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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry another DH texting one

34 replies

livinginlockdown · 16/05/2020 22:56

Changed username for this because worried it's outing.

DH has a woman at work who clearly likes him, he doesn't ever name drop at home or anything like that, absolutely not worried anything is going on with them, but it's quite well known at work she has a crush on him and he knows it too.

I have previously asked that he doesn't engage in any texting with her. She has texted him before and been quite over friendly in my opinion, he has never reciprocated to my knowledge and when I have seen their texts he just used to reply very succinctly and only to work messages. No kisses or anything. However I personally feel that they shouldn't need to text at all, yes they work together but any of these conversations could be occuring over work email.

Since lockdown she has been texting him quite a lot about work stuff, I wasn't actually aware of this until I saw the texts recently, lots of texts from her all about work but she is trying to be chatty with him. Annoyingly he has been replying to them all. Yes he is blunt and it's about work but AIBU to be annoyed he is replying to them when we have already discussed this and he agreed he wouldn't? Or do I need to calm down as they are just about work?

OP posts:
Neron · 16/05/2020 22:59

Calm down and start trusting your husband.

fuzzymoon · 16/05/2020 22:59

I think if he is replying the way you say then it's fine. He's not hiding the texts and isn't being chatty on them.
I can understand why you don't like it though.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 16/05/2020 22:59

Do you trust him? If you do what's the issue? She could spread eagle herself stark bollock naked in front of him adorned only with his favourite snacks and he still wouldn't go there. They work together he is only replying professionally, YABU

Mintlegs · 16/05/2020 23:01

If he is professional And he needs to reply due to lockdown etc I would leave it

Krazynights34 · 16/05/2020 23:04

Hi OP - is this the older woman with possible mental health issues that he giggles with over zoom/Skype calls and he is her boss?
Apologies if I’ve got that wrong...

Presuming I am wrong - what do you mean when you say “over friendly”? Because you also say “chatty”?
Is it a case of he knows her and that there is nothing to be concerned about but you want him to be more harsh with her?

How do you know she likes him? And even if she does, you’ve said he’s not encouraging it. So, I don’t want to be cruel but what would you really like to happen here?

Leicester5 · 16/05/2020 23:07

Is this his work phone? How do you know it's well known at work she likes him?

Original poster
livinginlockdown · 16/05/2020 23:08

Hi @Krazynights34 no not the same OP you are thinking of. I haven't mentioned this situation before on MN.

Over friendly - She has just sent messages before that you wouldn't send a married man IMO, hearts and little messages which just aren't appropriate for their relationship. She is younger than us and he has always ignored that stuff.

In terms of how do i know she likes him - I can't remember exactly how this came to light but I think she may have told some other people at the workplace she had a thing for him, and this got back to DH. He has admitted to me he knows she has a crush on him, although he doesn't like to make a big thing of it.

So I just feel that due to this situation he should not engage in any texting. That's it really. What I want to happen is no texting.. haha!

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2020 23:12

At my last workplace similar situation with a colleague. When he eventually rebuffed the female colleague who'd been chasing him you could cut the work atmosphere with a knife - she was so enraged and bitchy towards him. He ended up leaving but there were so many rumours around that. Also recall his wife coming to works Christmas do's and colleagues feeling sorry for her (+ gossiping). No evidence they were having an affair of course but swapping numbers & texting constantly = some people would think that way. I'm not suggesting your H is having an affair by the way. Just -

What work do they do that requires this constant texting, and him replying to work queries? Is it during WFH hours? & Would your H mind if a male colleague kept texting you?

For me, doesn't matter that it's only work talk. It's her need to constantly ping his phone and if it's unnecessary then yeah of course it should stop.

Leicester5 · 16/05/2020 23:18

So this is not work phones? It's inappropriate.

He needs to tell her to stop but probably likes the attention. They can communicate via work email I presume?

ConnieDoodle · 16/05/2020 23:18

I remember your previous thread.

Why can’t they communicate via work email?
Id be specifically asking that at this stage.

You both agreed he would stop replying but he hasnt. He doesnt want to stop. Or he would.

Ask him, seriously, why he cannot communicate, or tell her please email my work account, instead?

Original poster
livinginlockdown · 16/05/2020 23:25

@DeeCeeCherry thanks. Interesting situation and yes I do fear he doesn't want to be too blunt with her because he worries it would be awkward at work. He is quite a people pleaser.
I don't want to mention their exact jobs as I am worried this will be outing and I know a lot of people on here.

No not work phones, they don't have work phones.

OP posts:
Original poster
livinginlockdown · 16/05/2020 23:27

And not exactly even replying to work 'queries' some of it is questions or her just updating him on things she has done etc. It's certainly not necessary over text and could be over email. This is what I mean by her being chatty, half of it doesn't even need to be said and you wouldn't bother putting in an email.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/05/2020 23:29

If his replies are only to her work texts, then it's fine.
If she is texting at out of work hours and it's non urgent stuff, then he could say something to her about it.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2020 23:47

OP it's very disrespectful to you. Work colleagues know she fancies him, he knows she fancies him. & She's texting regularly to be in his mind and in contact with him. She doesn't have to text 'sweet nothings' it's the fact she keeps on texting. He has a ready made excuse tho hasn't he - it will be 'awkward' if he tells her to stop. I don't know how you'll get him to disengage with the ego stroke he's enjoying but tell him directly you find it 'awkward' and why isn't that important to him? You're both at home in your personal space so her texting about unnecessary unimportant work matters or for whatever reason, is an intrusion.

Krazynights34 · 17/05/2020 00:21

Sorry I mixed you up with a pp.
tell him (if you haven’t already) to stop replying- she will get the message.
He will do it, regardless of being a people pleaser - because he loves you

MadameMeursault · 17/05/2020 00:27

You asked him not to engage in texting with her? Imagine if this was a man saying this to his wife. Controlling. If my husband told me not to text a male colleague I’d tell him where to go. You need to trust him.

Mintlegs · 17/05/2020 07:59

If he doesn’t do this with other work colleagues then he shouldn’t be doing this with her. He is overstepping professional boundaries and could be offside if she made any accusations. At best, his ego is being massaged at worst there is more going on

GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 08:14

YABU. You said it yourself, you need to calm down it is about work. You sound controlling.

JudyCoolibar · 17/05/2020 08:22

If she's sending little hearts etc, he needs to do a bit more than ignoring her. A simple message saying this is inappropriate should be enough.

feliciabirthgiver · 17/05/2020 08:25

YABU he can manage his own texts and reply as and when he wants. If he is not sending anything inappropriate then you have absolutely no right to tell him who he can and can't communicate with.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/05/2020 08:29

Depends on the dynamics of testing within the larger team. If he gets texts from others, then yabu. If he doesn't, you're not but then why would she have his private number?

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/05/2020 08:48

His fear of awkwardness at work is walking him in possible dangerous territory. She hasn't got the hint so far that he's not interested. Is he hoping she'll get bored. Cos its not happening so far. She's upping the level of contact and familiarity in her texts instead. He needs to nip this in the bud.

What happens if her crush esculates to obsession? Or if she deludes that his polite responses are declarations of undying love? Or if she decides he's been leading her on and goes to HR as revenge. Lies about them having an affair and uses the level of text contact as 'proof'.

While it's unlikely, it's possible that this could end up with in major shite for him. He's being very silly to take risks just to be polite.

Original poster
livinginlockdown · 20/05/2020 10:47

Haven't been on Mumsnet in a few days and part forgot I had made this (lots going on in my brain at the moment),

@DeeCeeCherry I agree with everything you say and that's exactly how I feel about it all. She just seems to find any little opportunity to need to message him. She also emails him all the time but I can't really be so annoyed about that as it's on work email and I don't read them but
assume they are about work!

@JudyCoolibar She hasn't sent hearts etc for a while as far as I'm aware but has done in the past

He does text others but he isn't a big texter in general to be honest. Ugh I'm just not sure whether to raise it with him again.

OP posts:
Neron · 20/05/2020 13:05

If any one is to raise anything, it's about the insecurity issues you seem to have.
Your DH is doing absolutely nothing wrong. Find a way to get over this, for your own sake.

Colom · 20/05/2020 13:27

Hmm... initially I thought YWBU and a bit controlling especially since he was being quite formal in his replies, but then I applied it to my own relationship and honestly I wouldn't be happy about this. I have in fact asked DH to put a stop to a similar situation a few years ago. He understood my feelings and he stopped it.

If I knew another man had a crush on me and was incessantly messaging me for no good reason, the only reason I would reply to him is if I liked the attention. Otherwise I would just stop replying and assume he'd get the hint, which most people do eventually! Your DH knows she fancies him so he IS encouraging this by replying to her messages.

How do you know about the messages? Does he tell you or do you check? If it happens again I would definitely say something but without making it a big accusational thing.

I just told my husband straight out that I thought it was inappropriate and he would not be happy if the shoe was on the other foot.