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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let toddler finish nap in car

29 replies

WrongWayApricot · 16/05/2020 19:51

My son is turning two soon and still naps 1.5 to 2 hours a day. Everytime we meet up with his dad he doesn't let him finish his nap and finds a way to wake him. We usually meet him outside at the park or something and on the way back he falls asleep in the car. I feel that he should be allowed to finish his nap. On these days it is open ended with no time limit, neither his dad or me has anywhere else to be.

Before now we'd all be in the same car and his dad will kiss him or jingle keys or hum or something else seemingly innocent that wakes him. Even though I ask every time that he doesn't. He says he isn't trying to wake him up but it always seems to happen after one of these things happen.

Today with the social distancing we were in separate cars, so I thought he could finish his nap undisturbed today. We had been for a long beach walk and were getting some food on the way back, maybe have another walk when we were closer to home again. His dad taps on the window and asked what the plan is, I say wait for him to wake up. He says okay, then goes to open the door saying that he's going to wind up the window that keeps falling by a couple of mm. I say no, do it later, let him nap. He goes back to his car and calls my phone. I rush to pick it up and say please stop trying to wake him. He says he's not he just wants to know the plan. So now we are having a back and forth, with me telling him I already told him. And so bubs wakes up now because I'm talking. And now I feel annoyed because its every time I feel he finds a way to wake him up.

I say I don't know why he won't let him sleep. And he says because I didn't get out to talk to him while he naps (the car door sound usually wakes baby up), that he wants his time with us and that I can't stop the whole world for a baby to sleep.

I really don't know if I'm wrong here. I don't know that much about kids, should I wake him up at the next destination even if he has only had 20 mins? He never goes back off and often gets cranky if he misses his sleep. I'm struggling to see a good reason for waking him, it can be boring waiting for someone to sleep but isn't it part of normal parenthood? If we had tickets to be somewhere or a time limit I'd understand but we're all together for the day til it peters out, I don't get the rush? Am I being too precious or should baby be allowed to finish their nap?

OP posts:
Hedgehog26 · 16/05/2020 19:53

Is the solution not to just meet up with him after naptime?

opticaldelusion · 16/05/2020 19:55

I don't understand why you're not meeting at a different time.

MsChatterbox · 16/05/2020 19:56

In that situation I would transfer my son to puschair and go for a walk whilst he finishes. Or if at home transfer to bed. I'm guessing you're unable to transfer? If so it might be worth testing one time.. As I never used to be able to then just randomly I could! He's 2.5.

But to answer your question more to the point... I can see two sides. For me I respect sleep so I would let him sleep... And I have been known to sit in the car with my son so he can get an extra 30 mins or so. But I also know there a lot of people that view this as being a bit precious and would never do this!

TankGirl97 · 16/05/2020 19:57

Don't meet up at nap time? If my dh did this it would bug the shit out of me.

PowerStruggle · 16/05/2020 19:57

Meet after nap time? Dad sounds like a weirdo though If he’s obsessed with waking a child

avroroad · 16/05/2020 19:58

It depends. What is the point in meeting up with his dad if he is sleeping? Sounds like it's you meeting up with him, not his son.

blablablablablablabla · 16/05/2020 20:00

He is trying to wake him. I guess he isn't the one who has to deal with him being over tired later on in the day.

BertieBotts · 16/05/2020 20:02

Meet at another time. You could even set off early and drive around for a bit in order to get the nap in, if you can't help him falling asleep in the car. He's being unreasonable, but it doesn't sound like he is going to change his behaviour so I would change yours.

Are you in a relationship with him? It might not be relevant but it isn't really clear.

WrongWayApricot · 16/05/2020 20:03

I've offered to meet after nap time but dad says he wants the whole day. I don't mind a whole day but I think baby should still be allowed to nap?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/05/2020 20:05

I am also a bit confused about why you are meeting at naptime - or does your toddler not have predictable naps? I am not especially routine orientated but I would have thought most of them sleep at a roughly similar time every day. I have a 21mo and wouldn't go out over his nap time if I could avoid it, because if he couldn't sleep he'd be grumpy and that wouldn't be fun for anyone.

BertieBotts · 16/05/2020 20:05

So he's already spent time with him before the nap and he just wants to cut it short because he's bored?

BertieBotts · 16/05/2020 20:06

Xposted, sorry!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/05/2020 20:06

Why not set off esrlier, in the expectation that he will fall asleep in the car? Or arrange to meet at a different time.

WrongWayApricot · 16/05/2020 20:07

BertieBotts - It's a bit undefined for us too. We're living separately now, both would like it to work but scared to rush back sort of thing.

OP posts:
MushroomTree · 16/05/2020 20:08

Is there a reason why you're not just dropping him off with his father and picking him up later? If his father wants to wake him up, fine, but he'll be the one dealing with a grumpy toddler for the day.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 16/05/2020 20:09

Put him into a pushchair he will soon fall back over to sleep

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 16/05/2020 20:09

What happens if he doesn't get his full nap?.DS usually sleeps 11-1ish he's only seventeen months but he's driven the drop to one nap not us and is sleeping better at night for it, but when he was still going to nursery he would never nap more than 45-60 minutes once a day. He was having two naps 60-90 minutes at home then sometimes longer, but it didn't affect his nighttime sleep if anything he was earlier to bed , he was just excited to be there and as it was only one day a week I just let it be. If your DS isn't hugely affected and it's only one day let him have a shorter nap and spend more time with his dad. If you were going on a second walk he could always nap in the buggy if really tired

44PumpLane · 16/05/2020 20:10

My twins didn't transfer, so once asleep in a car seat I would leave them to finish their nap unless we specifically had somewhere to be.

If my husband had tried to wake them he would have been left to deal with the fallout....your kids dad is being a twat!

worriedmama1980 · 16/05/2020 20:14

I'm sorry but he sounds like an arsehole.

Making sure the toddler is well rested is the key priority in this house, generally putting her first is. And to be honest, dealing with a full-on child, getting to sit in the car playing on your phone is relaxing. It sounds like he's just getting to do the fun parts of parenting at the moment, and even that isn't enough for him. Honestly, waking a child because you're bored is just cruelty, I'd really be re-thinking making it work with him if this is indicative of how much he thinks about others. Its his own child ffs!

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/05/2020 20:14

Your ex should just have him alone (and face the consequences of his not napping alone). He sounds really selfish.

icklekid · 16/05/2020 20:17

I think you need to drop him off with dad and leave him to it if dad wants whole day with him that’s fine... or if you knew driving from one location to another would cause him to nap discuss that before you set off so you’ve already agreed the plan? It may be you need to decide not to drive to different locations if it’s going to mess up his nap time or plan timings so he can nap undisturbed

DamnYankee · 16/05/2020 20:18

Your DH is being weird. Your DS needs to sleep. Sleep begets sleep, so if this goes on, you may be in for some disturbed nights!

Your DH sounds like those grandparents who like to keep pinching and poking a newborn "so they can see his/her eyes."

forrestgreen · 16/05/2020 20:19

I think it's an element of control, ex wants to run the day. Can you not just drop dc off and leave him to cope with a tired child

ShyTown · 16/05/2020 20:23

Of course a young toddler needs a nap, but it’s not reasonable either to sit in a car park, in separate cars for up to 2 hours if that’s what you’re suggesting? Your DS’s dad is daft not to prioritise sleep but I think you’re both being a bit rigid. Either don’t spend the whole day together so meet up earlier and then leave when it’s nap time. He could also have his son on his own without you there and deal with whatever fallout from him missing a nap. Or if it has to be a whole day all together then have him nap in his pushchair instead whilst you both walk around somewhere. From what you’ve said it sounds like making a short car journey when you know he’s likely to fall asleep is the problem. Where possible I would plan the day better to avoid this.

Teacher12345 · 16/05/2020 20:33

Easy. Tell him you will see him at "X time". Get there 45 mins early and let child sleep whilst waiting for dad.