Child maintenance 50/50 shared care

[Sollay]

I need some help to a problem that just doesn’t seem to go away. My sons father and I split up 5 years ago. My son spends 2 nights one week and 4 nights another. Mon and Tuesday one week and Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday another with his dad and he pays £169 a month child maintenance. He has always hated paying it and keeps asking for 50/50 shared care. This means that I will not get any maintenance payments through CM. I told him I would be happy to do this if he agrees to pay half towards childcare costs, school trips and school uniform. He won’t agree to this but even if he does I don’t trust him because he agrees to things and then when he gets fed up or if it isn’t working out with his life he just tells me he won’t do it ( whatever it is) anymore. I was offered a new job the week lockdown was announced. He is currently working from home. I explained my situation with him and he agreed to look after my son while I could do two days at my new job. It wasn’t full time but it was better than nothing. After two weeks of this, he called and said it was too much for him to deal with and that he couldn’t look after him anymore while he worked from home and that he wouldn’t be able to see him as much during lockdown doe to him not being at school and being at home with him all day while he had work to do. I subsequently lost my new job so now I am living off benefits. He wouldnt tell me the new arrangement to see him. I can only imagine this is so I couldn’t contact child maintenance to tell them the new nights which would mean the payments going up. He has contacted me this morning to tell me he will not be paying me any child maintenance until he gets 50/50 shared care and if I stop my son from seeing him Because of this, I am a despicable mother. I just feel constantly bullied and controlled by him. I am happy to accept 50/50 shared care if he contributes towards childcare and such. I’ve said we need a court order because I can’t live my life like this. At the moment I don’t have a job and don’t know when I’ll get one but once I do I don’t think it’s fair to pay all the costs on my own. My question is, if I go and see a solicitor who my parents are offering to pay for because they are as sick of this as I am, can I agree a court order where he has 50/50 shared care and pays half towards childcare, school trips and school uniform because I will struggle financially if he doesn’t and it doesn’t seem fair if he doesn’t have to.

He can't have it both ways - either it isn't 50/50, so he pays maintenance (although I do have sympathy for people paying maintenance if they have a child 6/14 days as all the biggest outgoings re: child and home will still exist for them). If 50/50 then no maintenance but he would be responsible for childcare on his half - either doing it himself or paying for it. To be honest, even at the moment he should be responsible for childcare on his days.

If you dont have a job why do you need child care ? He should be paying half for uniform or buying one then you buy one when your child has out grown it.

Up until this week I have always worked. Obviously whilst I don’t work I won’t need Help with childcare but once I am Working again then I do.

Sorry your ex is being such a shit.

Has he missed a maintenance payment? If so, contact CMS now and ask them to take action. If he’s PAYE they can deduct from salary. Also you can say he’s said he will see them less and base it over the last week or so (or however long since he decided it was too hard)

Then ring round some lawyers. Some will offer free 30mins consultations - if go to a couple if possible to get a feel for them and weed out the ones that are over promising or don’t feel right.

Don’t engage with him in the meantime. He doesn’t get to decide. Tell him you’re taking legal advice and CMS will deal with him not paying and you’ll get back to him with the next steps.

It’s not only this, when he is responsible for him on his days if he falls sick and can’t go to school he’s ringing me saying you’ll have to have him and take day off work. I want that to stop too if 50/50’goes ahead. I’ve lost my job because of this lockdown And schools closing and he’s still got his. He’s always banging on about dads rights and everything should be 50/50 but when it comes down to the crunch I’m making all the bloody sacrifices which I wouldn’t care about if he just stopped moaning about paying £169 a month.

Oh and I’d definitely get a court order re paying childcare/clothes etc as it sounds like he’ll just back out once he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

Don’t agree to shared care. Let him take it to court. Contact the CMS. Keep very clear records of your agreements and now he keeps changing his mind. Keep emails, texts and voice messages. Refuse to communicate from now on unless via text or email so you have a paper trail. He is in this to piss you off, not work with you.

Assume you are on your own, work out childcare and work arrangements as if he doesn’t exist. That way he can never let you down and cost you your job. The financial cost is enormous - I paid full time childcare for 3 children for years whilst he swanned in and out and didn’t pay a penny but believe me, over 10 years on, the children know who made sacrifices and who didn’t.

Many men can’t get over themselves and don’t understand that 50/50 doesn’t mean giving the child an evening meal 7 out of 14 nights whilst the ex manages childcare, illness and appointments. It’s tough but if you refuse to rely on him, your life will be easier.

There is no such thing as a court order for childcare and clothes.

Go to court he is being very unreasonable.

I thought as much. Dads always complain the the system is on the mothers side but really it’s not. He will get 50/50 shared and he won’t have to contribute to any costs. So even on the days he drops him off to school to breakfast club because he has to go to work, I’ll have to pay and when he drops him off at my doorstep I’ll saying he has to get to work, I’ll have to take the day off and I’ll have to worry about extortionate holiday club costs every summer. I see. Then I think what needs to happen is I need an order in place so I don’t ever have to quibble over money. What are my rights? Can I enforce help with childcare and such if he is granted 50/50

I do 50/50 shared care. One week on, one week off. This was through verbal agreement when DS was 2. He's now 6 and I regret it all the time.
People change. Personalities change (or they meet someone who thinks they are DS actual mother )

Get it all done through the courts. Straight forward, no deviation, everything in black and white clearly.

However, from experience i don't think 50/50 is the best thing and if I could have my time again, I would be infinitely more clear and harder than I was previously.

I now look forward to DS being old enough to say what he wants to do.

I would go for 50/50 shared care with each of you paying for childcare if the care is 'on your watch'. Why would you expect him to pay for it?

School uniform is a different matter. Either both of you go out and buy a set each or come to an amicable arrangement between you. Why doesn't he go out and buy it and you pay him half, thereby splitting the mental load between you too?

You should both know about the school trips and, I agree, that, as long as you both agree the trip will be good for your DC, you should split the cost between you.

There is no such thing as a court order for childcare and clothes.

Also don’t take legal advice from us randoms on the internet. That’s what lawyers are for 🙂

"I now look forward to DS being old enough to say what he wants to do."
What happens if your ex and their new partner have children together and, when your son is 12, he decides he wants to stay with his siblings, his dad and stepmum?

Do you mean you look forward to him being old enough to decide what you want him to do?

Talk to the school/childminder when they're open OP. I did and they separated the bills. One goes to me, one to him - if he doesn't pay, it's on him rather than me... (mine was school, but I'd imagine a childminder would do this too).

In the meantime, contact CSA and explain that he is now refusing to pay.

I would not recommend your court plan. AFAIK, court ordered finances last a year and then he can apply for a variation anyway. Don't back down on this, he's already shown what a shit person he is.

I'm sorry about your new job, that's utterly shit .

And agree with PP. I solved the uniform dilemma by making him buy it and then reimbursed him for half of it.

Also don’t take legal advice from us randoms on the internet. That’s what lawyers are for

Oh absolutely. The biggest failure of the last child maintenance review coupled with the trend in ordering 50/50 is how that is being split between parents is ignored. There are people using this system to abuse their ex’s all over the bloody place with no recourse to the courts if they are the one doing and paying for everything.

50/50 would mean he pays 50% and I pay 50%. Isn’t that 50/50 shared care? Feel like you’re trying to pick an argument that isn’t there. If he wants 50/50 shared care he needs to pay 50/50 of. Childcare and school uniforms. I don’t think I’m being unfair asking for that.

So I need to see a solicitor about stopping the 50/50 he wants because he won’t contribute. I’m not sure how easy that would be.

FFS.

You need to see a solicitor. 50/50 can be court ordered in terms of time. The CMS will not get involved if there is a 50/50 court order. Child maintenance is the jurisdiction of the CMS. 50/50 split of costs cannot be ordered by the courts.

Why so rude? I’m going to see a solicitor? Calm yourself down

If its 50:50 he pays for his days and you pay for yours.

So if you are shopping on a Tuesday for example. You need to set a time. So say midday. He will need to provide breakfast club childcare on the Tuesday morning.

When you dont set a time you can get into 'well Tuesday is your evening so you need to do childcare that day.'

Then that's the swop over time in the holidays. He will need to provide childcare up until 12 and you from 12.

He will need to buy the uniforms and clothes for his own house.

School trips can be complicated and depends on how much of an arse they want to be. Me and exh do it adhoc. If ots a cheap one we take it in turns. If its a more costly one, we both put half.

You have to be clear about what times everyone’s part of the 50/50 starts and ends. So include day times when your child is at nursery, so that 50% of that time is his watch. He then has to pay for childcare during that time and any trips etc in that time.

You obviously therefore can’t pick and choose what he does for childcare or decisions he makes about school trips, but that’s broadly how you make 50/50 work.

Make sure he doesn’t have more weekend time, or whatever time you aren’t at work, than you do, as that’s your quality time.

My ex wife gave up work and refused to go back for 8 years. In the end we separated and have now divorced. She received over £217,000 in return for me keeping me pension. She’s now taken the money and is taking me to court for half my pension.

We have 50:50 custody and I pay maintenance that covers the balance of her mortgage. I’m being taken to court now for spouse maintenance in addition to child maintenance as my ex can’t afford her mortgage....

she’s now working 16 hours a week but refuses to work anymore as prefers the social with her friends.

On my “free days/weekends off” I take the kids to football, my ex wife has now started to do this and has asked for a new car in the final settlement.

It’s tough out there!! I don’t think you can ever really get truly divorced. You just need to marry better... I’ll 100% be advising my children to marry someone with an education and that’s prepared to work full time

You need to see a solicitor and go to court. He's taking the piss.