AIBU to not be especially sympathetic to my ex-wife?

[metalplaster]

Hello Mumsnetters,

My ex-wife (we are separated but, due to financial constraints, still live together with our 2 children (no, it's not easy!)), has broken lockdown rules and social distancing regularly over the last 6 weeks - visiting friends and acquaintances for drinking, drug and sex sessions.

She has reported this morning that she thinks she has Coronavirus. She 'has a sore throat and a bit of a cough'.

AIBU to not feel very sympathetic toward her - in fact a bit angry?

If she’s taking drugs you should notify social services.

YANBU she sounds like a delight!

Wow, she’s moved on then but not moved out. Drug sessions? Why hasn’t she moved out? I’d be pissed and wouldn’t give her any sympathy she’s living life as if things are normal and there isn’t a worldwide pandemic. Ffs. Tell her to gargle warm water and salt and to stop being so selfish. She’s putting all of you at risk.

How do you know about the drug and sex sessions? Has she told you?

Yes, she kind of delights in telling me what she's been to. She also insists I pick her up the morning after from whatever place she's ended up in.

Why?

She hasn't moved out because she thinks the house is hers even though both of our names are on the title.

Yes it is.

You need to protect your children and kick her out.

She is a disgrace and is putting you all at risk, in your shoes i would be plotting ways to (legally) get rid of her.

She can insist all she likes but that doesn't mean you have to go pick her up.

"You need to protect your children and kick her out." - if things were only that simple.

Please tell me you are not actually picking her up from these trips? Tell her to sod right off.

I would get a solicitor and plan how to break up properly. Sorry you have to live like this, it must be horrible.

Deadringer: no idea how to do that.

You can’t control another adult and make them do what you want them to. If you are really worried or you think it’s warranted, think about informing police or social services.

I wouldn't have sympathy no but i also think you both need to start thinking of the children.

I would be calling social services.

No need to ask why you’re getting a divorce !. But I would take the drug taking seriously, you can’t expose your kids to that.

She also insists I pick her up the morning after from whatever place she's ended up in.

What would happen if you insisted she make her own way home?

The house situation is difficult if both of your names are on it, especially if your divorce hasn't been finalised. (I assume it has as you say ex-wife, but wanted to cover all bases). If she posted here she would be advised to stay put with the kids and get you to move out.

I would be getting some proper legal advice sooner rather than later. About the house, financial arrangements, and DC. Look at going to court - if the DC aren't babies or breastfeeding, try to aim for at least 50:50 contact if possible. Document everything, including behaviour like this if she is putting the DC at risk, but try to avoid petty examples as they'll hurt rather than help you and will likely just result in tit-for-tat.

Re her symptoms - at the very least she should be self-isolating within the household as much as possible. Normally I'd advise you and the kids to go elsewhere, but as you might already have it you can't really do this as you would then risk it passing to someone else. And she can't go anywhere either. But she would absolutely be getting no sympathy from me. (I'd be fuming!)

And don't run around after her - lockdown aside, you can't stop her doing what she wants as an adult. But you certainly don't have to be her taxi.

If your living with her OP, make sure your taking all precautions. (As in clear OMG shared facilities etc) and limiting her contact with you and the children.

As your ex won't move out, and legally she doesn't have to, then you should move out with the children for their protection. Social services will not make her move out, but will potentially remove the children from the home if she's behaving in a way that is dangerous for them, regardless of you being there.
Why you're picking her up after her all night sessions I don't know. There's absolutely no reason for you to do that.

Who is minding the children when you 'have to' go and pick her up from her all night sessions?

Unless they are teenagers, I'd tell her that they are your priority and she can get home under her own steam. If they are teenagers, then she STILL should be getting home under her own steam. Does she just want you to pick her up so she can rub your nose in what she's been doing?

I’m sorry that you and your children are living in this scenario.
I echo what others have said about picking her up , the morning after a drink/drug session and, to a certain extent, you’re enabling her if you do. If social services feel that you’re enabling her , it will reflect on you too.

Definitely seek legal advice and document her behaviour.

What a complete lack of respect she is showing to you and your children. Do get a good solicitor ASAP.

She's completely rubbing your nose in it - getting you to pick her up after a night out, telling you about her symptoms despite being the one flouting the guidelines.