Page 3 | to take DS (2) out of playgroup because he has been bitten

Silvannah · 2007-09-19T09:33:06+00:00

by another child TWICE. All the children in my DS's playgroup are all aged 2. This one particular boy has bitten 2 other kids and bitten my DS on the arm you can see the bloody teeth marks. Anyway I told the nursery manager that she should have a word with the mother about it -whether she has or not I don't know. She is one of these that doesn't want to upset anyone especially now the numbers of children in nursery have dropped, she only has 2 yo's as the schools have taken all the 3 years olds. She used to have 30 odd kids now she only has about 15 - anyway I know this is irrelevent to this post but I personally don't think she will do anything about it because she doesn't want to loose anymore kids IUKWIM. It's a good playgroup and the staff are all nice and caring & DD went there so I don't really want to take him out but If it happens again I will have to AIBU?

lemonaid · 19/09/2007 11:21

I didn't mean to imply that DS only got bitten in arguments over toys that's just why he got bitten more than most kids. There were several incidents of out-of-the-blue biting, too (TBH those are more difficult for nursery staff to stop, anyway you can see a potential flashpoint building when two toddlers are arguing about a toy but when one is just walking past the other it's hard to predict that biting may be about to happen).

One of the worst offenders in his case was one of his friends who had a new sister arrive when he was 22 months old and who took a long time to adapt to the change -- he was a bit of a nightmare, aggression-wise, for several months.

Hulababy · 19/09/2007 11:21

I feel very lucky that my DD was never a biter or hitter. Must also be very stressful at times for the parents of the child doing the biting, and of knowing what they can do to stop it.

Seems a pretty common phase a lot of children do go through though.

mummytojess - your poor DD At 4yo then yes I would definitely expect the child to be reprimanded and for it to be stopped very quickly. Hope your DD is okay now.

At 2yo however I think it is harder.

Original poster

Silvannah · 19/09/2007 11:21

Hulababy - she didn't tell who the child was - she is a lovely Nursery Manager actually and all the staff seem nice and caring, this is why I don't want to take him out of nursery really, my DD went to the same nursery. I understand it was no ones fault it is just upsetting when it happens.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:22

Message withdrawn

oliveoil · 19/09/2007 11:26

when dd1 bit dd2, I don't know who was more upset, her or dd2 tbh

she was shocked at her feelings of rage I think

both needed a cuddle

alicet · 19/09/2007 11:26

Only read first few posts...

Ds (19 months) bites me occasionally at home - probably only about a couple of times a month. It bloody hurts even through clothes so I can understand why you would be upset. I deal with this (and any other things he does that hurt people which are rare) by saying 'No - you don't bite mummy because it hurts' in a raised voice and then I pick him up and move him about a metre away from me and ignore him for a minute or two. He knows he has done wrong because he cries and tries to get my attention which I don't give him (despite finding this very difficult). When I have left him for a couple of minutes I go to him and give him a cuddle and say 'Mummy was very cross because you bit her and it hurts. You Mustn't bite people.' This is kind of based on supernanny's naughty step approach.

Despite this we have been told twice in the last month that he has bitten children at nursery. Both times have been when dh is collecting him so I actually don't know what the nursery have done to ds when its happened. He did ask last time though if this was common or was ds unusual and got told it happens all the time at this age.

I am gutted by this and only slightly reassured that its not uncommon. Ds is a lovely little boy most of the time and doesn't (when I'm around) seemingly deliberately hurt other children. If anyone though has any suggestions as to how I can help him to realise this is wrong please tell me! I am hoping he will grow out of it and that that will hopefully happen sooner if we continue to take a strong stand....

So Silvannah I do sympathise but if it is common its likely it will happen elsewhere if you take him out of that playgroup. Plus the mum will undoubtedly be feeling just as bad as you!

potoroo · 19/09/2007 11:33

(ooh - I got noticed by Cod - am I officially "in" now?)

mummytojess · 19/09/2007 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

potoroo · 19/09/2007 11:34

alicet - my sympathies! Sounds just like my DS but he is over it now (fingers crossed)

Lorayn · 19/09/2007 11:35

Hmm, I have skimmed these posts and can understand why you are upset. When DD was in reception there were some horrid boys that were extremely violent and it made me very angry to hear her talk of how she had been hurt (kicked her in the head, stabbed her with a pencil, jumped of a chair kneeing her in the back, and to many other children too) after all she is my child and I don't want her to feel pain, none of us do.

Thing is the school were trying to deal with this but I once overheard the parents discussing how they allowed(forced/goaded) the two boys (cousins of the same age) to fight each other at home, and the one who cried first was the loser . Luckily I moved cities so my daughter had no reason to continue going to this school.

I think you should try and find out what methods the nursery use to combat the biting, it probably is just a phase, but keep your ears and eyes open for any other complaints regarding the biter, hopefully his parents are doing everything they can, but sadly not all parents give two hoots.

mummytojess · 19/09/2007 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 19/09/2007 12:02

potoroo - do you mind me asking how you resolved this with the nursery and your ds? Have just scrolled down and read your post where you said you had meetings with them to sort it out. I'd be very interested in what worked for you!

Unfortunately being noticed by me doesn't carry any streetcred but I will be veryappreciative!

rantinghousewife · 19/09/2007 12:05

Alicet, you sound like you're handling it really well, he'll grow out of it. Can't honestly think of anything you could do that would be better tbh.

lemonaid · 19/09/2007 12:14

alicet the only other thing I can think of is to try to figure out if there's something that sets him off i.e. does he bite when he's tired, when he's thwarted in some way, when he wants attention, or something else? If you and nursery can work out when he's likely to do it it can help in heading him off before he actually does. But otherwise it sounds as though you are doing all the right things.

alicet · 19/09/2007 12:17

Thanks lemonaid and rantinghousewife - good to know that you don't think I'm doing anything stupid!

I originally thought he tended to bite more when he was teething but the last few times thats not been relevant. I think it often seems to be when he's been excited and we're playing and he's almost doing it to be affectionate if that doesn't seem too odd? It doesn't seem to be in an aggressive or confrontational way to me. I would need to find out what the nursery think sets him off there though...

lulumama · 19/09/2007 12:20

DD was the biter of another child on two occasions, as she was approaching 2. It was mostly driven by frustration, as she was not able to talk at all at that age, and could not make herself understood. She bit one little girl at M&Ts so i apologised to the mum, the little girl, made DD cuddle the little girl, then took her home immediately.

DS never bit, but was bitten several times at nursery, always by the same child, and as he was not a biter, i could not really understand why this was not prevented... but now i can see both perspectives.

2 yr olds are self centred, and care not a jot for other childrens feelings, if they want a toy someone else has, they will do waht they can to get it. and unless there is one nursery nurse to every child, not every bite can be stopped

it is a phase, and it will stop

doesn;t stop you feeling awful for your child though.

Squiffy · 19/09/2007 12:20

Silvannah YABU and - as alicet will testify - it would be much much worse to be the mother of a child that bites than one that gets bitten. There but for the grace of god go all of us...

Alicet, good luck - as you can see form this thread people do understand. All our kids have at least one horrible habit I am sure, and I am sure it must be so difficult to deal with.

Lorayn · 19/09/2007 12:24

Alicet, my son used to bite DD (she is 6 he is 2) but it was only ever when he was over excited, Goodness knows why, he bit her many times (she really has been through the wars bless her!!) and one day just stopped.....Have no idea why!

rdk · 19/09/2007 12:31

To be honest you shouldnt know what child has bitten your child, as the staff at the nursery arent surpose to tell you ,or did your child tell you. i have been there in the same situation when my child got bitten i only found out cause my dd was at my mums playgroup when it happened and my mum said to my dd tell mummy who did that to you.......... as she wasnt allowed to tell me.
and ive also had to feel the guilt when i found out my child had bitten another child and i was upset to think my child was going around doing this, but i made sure she had time out. or if she bitten me or her dad we would gently bite her back and she learnt finally. i hope your child is ok

lemonaid · 19/09/2007 12:34

alicet, I think that makes sense. At 19 months he doesn't have a full understanding of other people as wholly separate, and biting feels good to him so he probably doesn't grasp that it hurts the other person. It makes plenty of sense for him to do it in an otherwise affectionate setting.

alicet · 19/09/2007 13:27

Thanks ladies for your advice and support! Much appreciated and also good to know that people understand - although I will continue to feel bad about him doing it to other children...

milliec · 19/09/2007 13:43

Message withdrawn

alicet · 19/09/2007 13:45

millie - just cut and pasted this for you from my earlier post:

Ds (19 months) bites me occasionally at home - probably only about a couple of times a month. It bloody hurts even through clothes so I can understand why you would be upset. I deal with this (and any other things he does that hurt people which are rare) by saying 'No - you don't bite mummy because it hurts' in a raised voice and then I pick him up and move him about a metre away from me and ignore him for a minute or two. He knows he has done wrong because he cries and tries to get my attention which I don't give him (despite finding this very difficult). When I have left him for a couple of minutes I go to him and give him a cuddle and say 'Mummy was very cross because you bit her and it hurts. You Mustn't bite people.' This is kind of based on supernanny's naughty step approach.

He still does it so I don't know if it will work but it was all I could think of to do - do something that he doesn't like and realises that what he did must be wrong without giving himn loads of negative attention as sometimes this can reinforce the bad behaviour (or so I understand!).

Take time to read back a bit further as there are some helpful and supportive comments on here... Good luck

tori32 · 19/09/2007 13:49

Yes YABU because lots of children go through these phases, they pass. You are right to be angry though.

Have you spoken to the manager since and insisted she calls a meeting with you and the other parent to discuss the problem before you take DS out? Have you asked her what the 'biters' mother said? The world is not perfect and bad things do happen in it, unfortunately ds needs to learn to deal with those situations or steer clear of the child.

JennaJ · 19/09/2007 19:06

Sorry to barge in having only read half of this thread..its a bit long and I have two ds to put to bed in a sec!

Silvannah- My son is a biter...he has just turned 3 and has severe speech delay and very slight developmental problems. To any adult he appears to be a normal happy 3 year old. However because of his problems he is unable to communicate and he does get VERY frustrated, for example if a child takes his toy he can't say' hey give my toy back' so he has a tendancy to push, hit or in severe cases bite. Now I 100% don't condone any of this. I understand that it is my job to teach him how to behave and how to treat other people and belive me I 100% try to ensure that he does not push/ hit or bite other children and when he does I ensure I reprimand him appropriatly. We now have the problem that he has started school nursery and I can't be there to watch out for him all day as I would usually do..I KNOW it won't be long before someone takes something from him and he lashes out in frustration. If I had been there I may have seen it coming and managed to avert it but when Im not there then I expect the nursery to deal with it. I guess through all my waffling is what I am trying to say is as well as being concerned that your LO got bitten try to show some understanding to the parents of the biter..we can all ONLY do our best with our children. Despite doing my utter best to teach my son appropriate behaviour he still has the odd slip up.
As an example: We were at playgroup a few months ago and there was a little boy who sat on my ds and wouldn't get off. I was on the other side of the room and in the time it took me to get to him he had bitten the boys arm to try and get him off. Now I know that he shouldn't have bitten him..we all know biting is wrong. But this kid was sitting on him and wouldn't get off..he can't say 'hey get off me, that hurts' so his only defence was to bite! The mum wen't mental at me...I had of course punished my son as soon as he had bitten the boy but the mum was so concerned about the bite she totally overlooked the fact that her son had indeed too done wrong in sitting on my ds and not getting off!
This parenting lark can be no fun!

I personally would only be concerned if it was something that was happening repeatedly.

Jen