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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take DS (2) out of playgroup because he has been bitten

80 replies

Silvannah · 19/09/2007 10:33

by another child TWICE. All the children in my DS's playgroup are all aged 2. This one particular boy has bitten 2 other kids and bitten my DS on the arm you can see the bloody teeth marks.

Anyway I told the nursery manager that she should have a word with the mother about it -whether she has or not I don't know. She is one of these that doesn't want to upset anyone especially now the numbers of children in nursery have dropped, she only has 2 yo's as the schools have taken all the 3 years olds. She used to have 30 odd kids now she only has about 15 - anyway I know this is irrelevent to this post but I personally don't think she will do anything about it because she doesn't want to loose anymore kids IUKWIM.

It's a good playgroup and the staff are all nice and caring & DD went there so I don't really want to take him out but If it happens again I will have to AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 19/09/2007 10:57

Try getting together with one of the other parents and talking to staff. It's not acceptable behaviour (as sn would say) and they have to find a way of dealing with it.

ScottishMummy · 19/09/2007 10:58

our nursery has staff-parent forums were you can raise issues of concern.

lemonaid · 19/09/2007 11:03

Yes, YABU (probably).

To answer your other question, DS did get bitten, quite a lot. In fact he got bitten more than most because he's a stubborn little whatsit and will absolutely not ever let go of something if another child tries to snatch it off him. I "minded", obviously (far more than he did, frankly -- by the time I saw him at the end of the day it was an interesting topic of conversation rather than something he was particularly bothered about), but I didn't blame the nursery or the other parents or the other child.

A lot of children this age go through a biting phase, and that means that in a group setting a lot of children this age are going to get bitten. They don't have a proper concept of why biting is wrong, and haven't developed the social taboos against biting that make it seem worse than other forms of violence from an adult perspective. Most nurseries seem to handle it pretty well. They will probably have an action plan in place which they are reviewing regularly with the biter's parents. Now they are all two and a half going on three the biting seems to have stopped (although DS did get bitten again a couple of weeks ago, but that was by one of the younger children when the classes had got together for a joint activity).

If you really think that your nursery isn't handling it well or you don't trust them to put an effective plan into place, then obviously move your child. You need to feel happy. But don't move him just because he's been bitten a couple of times, or because the manager is maintaining proper standards of confidentiality by not telling you the details of conversations she's had with the other parents. Frankly, if a nursery did happily give me that kind of personal information about another child I'd be appalled and think that alone was likely to be a reason to move my DC.

Nursery don't need to tell you who is biting once your child is verbal, though, NQC -- DS will give me a lecture on the subject of exactly who has bitten whom that day . And on at least one occasion he collared the mother of the biter when she arrived to pick up her DC and told her about that day's biting exploits .

chopster · 19/09/2007 11:05

do you know who the child/mother is? You could try getting the children together outside of playgroup so they can maybe build a bit of friendship and so hopefully stop the biting. My ds1 has had the same problem, been bitten several times, once so hard that I could count the teeth. He went round the boy's house for tea yesterday and they were playing together really well.

I know it is horrible, but it is a stage and some children are jsut worse. Unless the skin is broken, it isn't going to cause any real harm. I actually have a biter too, a 2 year old who bites anyone who gets in his way, and there isn't a lot I can do about it! Eventually he will jsut grow out of it.

Original poster
Silvannah · 19/09/2007 11:05

HonoriaGlossop - I thought about starting him at 3 but he is so ready to be around others kids and needs to develop his social skills. He only goes 2 mornings a week and I can crack on with the housework. He will only be bored stuck in front of the Television otherwise.

He does seem to enjoy going so if the Nursery can do something (I don't know what) about the biter then it wouldn't be a problem.

OP posts:
mishymoo · 19/09/2007 11:10

My DS was bitten twice in the same week by the same child (nursery wouldn't tell me who it was) but I asked my DS and he told me it was Xx. After the first bite, I thought oh well, kids do that but when he bit him the second time and just about drew blood, I asked the Nursery what the mother had to say and apparently it was... "not my problem!" which absolutely infuriated me. I was all ready to make a serious complaint against the child, etc... but then calmed down and asked the nursery to try and keep the two of them apart! My DS and X had a bit of a love/hate relationship so I asked the staff that when they could see things were getting a bit sticky, that they separate them for a while. It seemed to work, 'cos he never came home with another bite mark! Although I did have to sign incident forms cos my DS was hitting.

What I'm trying to say (like most other posters), it is just a phase and will pass.

Original poster
Silvannah · 19/09/2007 11:10

Lemonaid - the nursery manager said it was totally unprovoked, my DS was minding his own business there was no arguing over toys etc, I asked the Manager if this was the case but apparantly not.

Like I said because my two Kids have never bitten I find it hard when it happens to mine.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 19/09/2007 11:11

Biting is very common in young children. DD has been bitten in the past too. Not nice I know for child or parent. But sadly quite likely to happen.

I am suprised that the nursery has told you who the child was who bit. They normally don't pass that information on.

I think it is OTT to remove your child from the nursery.

Yes, the nursery and the parent do need to be working on strategies for avoiding the biting happening. Are you sure this is not the case?

Shoshable · 19/09/2007 11:11

Nurseries and CM's arn't allowed to tell you who the biter is, but should give a incident form to both parents.

chocolatedot · 19/09/2007 11:12

My son was continually bitten at nursery by one child. After about the 4th bite (which left a mark which took days to heal) I asked for assurances that it was being dealt with.

I was happy to accept that biting was a fairly normal thing for toddlers but did want assurance that it was made clear to the perpetrator that it was unacceptable.

mummytojess · 19/09/2007 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonoriaGlossop · 19/09/2007 11:13

But silvannah, he can be around other kids and develop his social skills in other ways than nursery; of course I WELL understand that two mornings a week gives you some time to catch up at home so of course that is not to be taken lightly, but if it really is him going purely for social skills then these can be developed in other ways and you can take him to lots of places where there are other kids around but where you are there to scoop him up if biters are looming

Whether he goes to nursery at two or three will not make one bit of difference to his social skills, I'd be willing to bet money.

mummytojess · 19/09/2007 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonoriaGlossop · 19/09/2007 11:14

God, mummytojess, that nursery sounds AWFUL. Your poor dd. Hope she's forgotten it all, bless her.

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:15

Message withdrawn

DumbledoresGirl · 19/09/2007 11:15

I object to the comment "they all do it". None of mine did!

But yes, YABU. If you want to act further, go in and ask what has been done about the incident and ask what will be done to curb the biter's actions next time. You can't deprive your child of the benefits of playgroup just because of this. Expect and demand that the playgroup does something about this and let your child carry on having fun and learning with other children.

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:16

Message withdrawn

ScottishMummy · 19/09/2007 11:16

Silvannah - i totally understand it is really horrible when your child is bitten.

it is a phase some children go through and it is sad your wee one got bitten

i guess try not to demonise the perpetrator.. because in all likliehood, unprovoked biting does not necessarily make that child bad. all times my wee one got bitten also unprovoked too

Step back deep breath - discuss with your DS allocated keyworker

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:17

Message withdrawn

DumbledoresGirl · 19/09/2007 11:17

Perhaps I fed mine a good breakfast?

claricebeansmum · 19/09/2007 11:18

In response to OP (have not read all thread) just to say biting is really really common in 2 year olds. It is not nice but they do grow out of it - both my DC were biters and were bitten.

It's a stage that LO is going through. Yours might start tomorrow !

NAB3 · 19/09/2007 11:19

My son was bitten in Reception.

I would def make the nursery manager take this more seriously or say you will speak to the mother yourself.

A lot of kids do bite but it doesn't mean nothing can be done about it.

Hope your LO is okay.

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:19

Message withdrawn

potoroo · 19/09/2007 11:20

Silvannah, I am the mother of a biter (although he has stopped). And yes, it is mortifying to be told that he had bitten someone again. It wasn't malicious, normally just over-excited. To little children biting is no worse than pushing or hitting (which obviously is wrong too!) but it gets a better reaction.

DS has never been bitten at home so we have no idea why he started - it is possible that he got bitten at nursery (which has happened several times) and thought it seemed like a good idea. And of course they have no impulse control.

When it first happened the nursery weren't worried because most children do it at some stage, and they have procedures to deal with it. But as it didn't get better we had a couple of meetings with the staff to put an action plan into place. So maybe to other parents it looked like nothing was happening, but believe me it was. It took almost 6 months of joint effort to overcome the problem.

It is NOT legal for the playgroup to tell you the name of the child. And please don't try to find out. I am a fairly confident person but I would have been devestated if any of the other parents had 'a word with me' about DS's biting.

You have to decide what is best for your DS, but chances are the parents are working as best they can with the playgroup to stop it. Please also bear in mind that it is not malicious behaviour.

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 11:20

Message withdrawn