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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or was my mother?

50 replies

littleblackdress04 · 15/05/2020 21:42

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother- she’s slightly narcissistic to be honest.

Today I sent her a one line what’s app message with a question - I was in the middle of working plus homeschooling and I am pretty stressed. The question was about an address.

The response ‘oh how are you mum would be nice’. And then a shitty response to the question. I spoke to her last week so it’s not like I’m not talking to her. And quite frankly, the crappy guilt is exactly why i don’t ring her more often. There’s always this ‘you are failing as a daughter’ underlying crap in everything she does or says.

Aibu? Should I have sent a longer text? I was right in the middle of work stuff.

OP posts:
Dknew · 15/05/2020 21:44

Yanbu. My mum does the same!

HotDogGuy · 15/05/2020 21:51

I don’t think it hurts or takes much longer to ask how someone is, especially in the middle of a pandemic. But then I have a good relationship with my mother.
I tend to be extra polite to people I don’t have a great relationship.
So I think you are being a bit unreasonable

Original poster
littleblackdress04 · 15/05/2020 21:51

@Dknew god, it’s so grim to be guilt tripped isn’t it

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 15/05/2020 21:52

Mine would always answer the phone with "Oh so you DO remember my number then." I had to bite my tongue to refrain from saying "Yes, because you clearly don't bloody remember mine."
It's a guilt thing, it's annoying, and it makes you far less likely to make contact knowing you'll have to deal with that shit each and every time.
Sympathies OP, but it's your call whether you bite your tongue or have it out with her.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 15/05/2020 21:54

Imagine how hurt your going to be in the future when your children grow up and do this to you. It wouldn't have hurt to say hello and ask her how she is before sending a one line question that you wanted her to answer to help you!

ThatsWhatHeroesDo · 15/05/2020 21:55

I have a good relationship with my mother. If either of us had a question to ask the other, we would just ask, we wouldn't need a song and dance around it.

rabbitheadlights · 15/05/2020 21:57

I know where you are coming from and YANBU however I'd love to get a snippy text from my mum, one day she will be gone, it wouldn't have hurt to say Hi mum, do you have so and SO's address please, hope your ok.

JazzyTheDog · 15/05/2020 22:00

It can be a difference in communication styles. I can send that sort of message to a friend with whomI haven’t been in touch with in a month, but my mum would get ratty about it and would expect mindless pleasantries too.

Scrumbleton · 15/05/2020 22:10

Sorry given that you hadn’t spoken for a week I think yabu-

ginsparkles · 15/05/2020 22:13

If you had spoken already today then no, but it's been a week I think a bit of chit chat ahead of the question would have been nicer and wouldn't really take that much longer.

Rose789 · 15/05/2020 22:19

1 line message asking a question to someone you communicate with constantly is fine. Otherwise it costs nothing to say “hiya how are you I’m busy at work at the minute but do you have X’s address please. I’ll ring/text you tonight for a proper catch up”

AvoidingRealHumans · 15/05/2020 22:22

If you haven't spoken to her for a week then yes I think a quick check on how she is before asking for an address is just polite.

If you had already spoken to her today then it wouldn't have been necessary.

I would have got arsey too if it were me.

MuthaFunka61 · 15/05/2020 22:22

As a mum if one of my adult sons sent a message with a question I'd answer. If I wanted to chat with them I'd ask the a question.
A relationship is built and maintained by both parties,as their mother I'm responsible for the trajectory.

Samtsirch · 15/05/2020 22:23

@littleblackdress04
As a daughter it’s always my mother’s fault.
As a mother it’s always my daughter’s fault.
🤣

Pixxie7 · 15/05/2020 22:23

My mother is narcissistic she has no perception of anyone else at all. YANBU forget it and move on.

BojoKilledMyMojo · 15/05/2020 22:24

Actually I think it's really rude to not even include some form of hello, how are you if you haven't spoken to someone for a week.

I'd probably ignore a message like you sent.

Mybrowneyedgal · 15/05/2020 22:27

YABU to ask a question without making any conversation (like asking how she is during the pandemic) especially if you haven't spoken to her a week.
If you know she's "slightly" narcissistic then surely you would know it would provoke this reaction anyway.

Coffeecak3 · 15/05/2020 22:28

My dm would ask me a question without preamble and vice versa.
Surely a parent and child don't need a Shakespearean lengthy greeting every time they make contact, forsooth.

understandmenow · 15/05/2020 22:32

I think after a week then a "how are you" message would've been appropriate.

My sister I hardly ever send a how are you message, as we message so much it's not necessary.

understandmenow · 15/05/2020 22:34

@Coffeecak3 after a week, a hi how are you is hardly a Shakespearen lengthy greeting, it's four words! 🙄

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/05/2020 22:38

I guess everyones relationship is different. I am in contact with my mum not every day but most days, usually just a couple of messages. If I've spoken to her or caught up via message within a few days I would just ask a random question but if not I'd probably ask how she was. I guess it depends on the person, I know some people still treat messaging like writing a letter and will be a lot more formal

R2519 · 15/05/2020 22:40

I speak to my mum several times a week. If I message her i always day hi and hope all is OK. Just polite. You were rude on this occasion OP, sorry

AnyOldPrion · 15/05/2020 22:46

Imagine how hurt your going to be in the future when your children grow up and do this to you.

Mine are grown up. I would text them like that and they’d do the same back. This is because my family love each other enough to know that on the occasions we forget the pleasantries, it’s just because we forgot and not because we don’t love each other.

The only people who correct other adult’s manners are rude people who don’t know any better.

Fairyliz · 15/05/2020 22:48

If it was a friend you were asking for an address how would you have worded it? That’s your answer

understandmenow · 15/05/2020 22:50

@AnyOldPrion how often do your children text you?