Aibu or was my mother?

[littleblackdress04]

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother- she’s slightly narcissistic to be honest.

Today I sent her a one line what’s app message with a question - I was in the middle of working plus homeschooling and I am pretty stressed. The question was about an address.

The response ‘oh how are you mum would be nice’. And then a shitty response to the question. I spoke to her last week so it’s not like I’m not talking to her. And quite frankly, the crappy guilt is exactly why i don’t ring her more often. There’s always this ‘you are failing as a daughter’ underlying crap in everything she does or says.

Aibu? Should I have sent a longer text? I was right in the middle of work stuff.

I call and text my mum multiple times a day so we both skip the niceties. But if you don’t call very often you should at least ask how she is first.!

I think you were rude. You can't say "Hi Mum, how are you" first? I bet you wouldn't even send just a one line question to a work colleague would you? And if you did they'd be right to think you were ill mannered. Your Mum might be a PITA generally but common courtesy doesn't hurt.

Very much depends on what’s going on in their lives. Sometimes not for a while, then we’ll chat back and forth as if there had been no break.

Guess I’m lucky. My mum is the same. I could contact her after a couple of weeks with a question and she’d respond as if she’s simply glad to hear from me. Once the conversation starts, we’d probably move on to chatting afterwards about how we are. She understands that life is sometimes tough and doesn’t expect me to stand on ceremony. We therefore have a great relationship.

My ex MIL, if my ex didn’t call for a couple of weeks, would answer crossly and moan about the length of time between calls. This has the inevitable effect of making it unpleasant to call her and increased the likelihood of her not being phoned often.

You reap what you sow.

I have just read the full thread and was going to say exactly the same as fairyliz. How would you feel if a close friend you hadn't spoken to for over a week sent you a message just saying, "Have you got John's address?" and nothing else. Would "Hi, you okay? Just wondering if you have John's address. We're all okay. Busy working , catch up soon. x" feel different.

Sorry, that was to understandme’s question.

@AnyOldPrion ok, but personally I find that no contact for two weeks is worthy of a "how are you", but we're all different.

I do it on emails to colleagues and clients after two weeks, let alone a family member.

Whenever I txt my adult kids,no matter what for, I always say 'Hi, how are you lot'? before the actual question.
They do the same.
It's only polite and takes no extra time.

I'm a straight to the point WhatsApp person. I probably start with a hi. But I dont ask how they are. Your dm will get over it.

YANBU OP.

It's not liked you swore at her and sent verbal abuse. I can't believe most people are up in arms over you not typing out the word "hello" to someone whom you don't have a great relationship with.

personally I find that no contact for two weeks is worthy of a "how are you", but we're all different.

I think it comes down to what’s usual in your relationship/family. My point really is not about politeness. It’s more about the fact that trying to guilt someone into being nice to you is counterproductive.

If you want your children to behave a certain way towards you, then teach them by example. If you never lift the phone yourself, but then moan when your child calls (my MIL and ImaginaryCat’s mother were obviously cut from the same cloth) then don’t be surprised if they hardly ever contact you.

And surely being patient and kind when your children contact you is the right thing to do, unless they are genuinely rude? Being in a hurry and therefore asking a question in a straightforward way without preamble is hardly the end of the world. Chat to them. Ask if everything is okay.

If they only ever speak to you that way, then perhaps there’s a problem. In which case, the best approach is to g talk to them about how it makes you feel and ask them to do things differently. But if it’s now and then, which from what the OP said, is the case here, then surely it’s better to cut them a bit of slack. Life is shitty right now. A bit of patience goes a long way.

You are absolutely not unreasonable! She'd clearly find some reason to be offended by you anyway!

And surely being patient and kind when your children contact you is the right thing to do, unless they are genuinely rude? Being in a hurry and therefore asking a question in a straightforward way without preamble is hardly the end of the world. Chat to them. Ask if everything is okay.*

How long does it take to message, hi how are you? In such a hurry you can't spare 15 seconds?

Understand, if you treat your children as you want them to treat you, you’ll probably have a good relationship regardless of whether you take the time to ask how they are. If you do that to them, they’ll likely do the same back.

Standards of politeness vary from family to family and even from nation to nation. What you do is right for you, but is unimportant to me.

But if you harangue them whenever they fail to meet your random standards of what must be said before you deem it polite enough, then they’ll resent it and probably contact you less and less. Wholly up to you.

@AnyOldPrion I was just commenting on if they're busy........ it takes 15 seconds or less!

It's not always the fault of the parents, sometimes the sons, daughters, SIL, DIL are wrong....

See it a lot on MN,

Guilt trips never work. They create anger and for a while might stimulate unhappy compliance, but they kill kindness and love.

The OP’s mother has employed guilt as a tactic. Regardless of whether OP was rude, her mum was ruder. Behave like her if you want to make your children dislike you. And yes, of course it can go both ways, but in this case, it is a mother’s response we are discussing.

That's your opinion @AnyOldPrion, mine is that the OP was rude 🤷‍♀️

And yes, of course it can go both ways, but in this case, it is a mother’s response we are discussing.

I though the title was AIBU or was my mother? OP sounds like the AIBU to me, probably a self centred, selfish person. It happens! @AnyOldPrion

Yup. I got that. I presume you guilt trip your children too and justify it to yourself by telling yourself it’s warranted.

Have a good weekend.

Sugarplumfairy Is trying to guilt trip the OP

@AnyOldPrion WTF!!! I presume you're an utter spoilt brat that is selfish to your parents? You also have a nice weekend!

Hope your children grow up and don't have the 15 seconds to ask you "how are you".

What a nasty horrible post!

Sleep well, but your parents don't have to like you!

I don't understand this stress with contacting people. I get in touch with the people who are important to me and whom I know like to have some contact with me. Why all these "must do" calls and then to be told what you should say??

Got to say the week bit stood out. Especially at this time. Doesn’t say a lot for the relationship. Of course that’s a two way thing and not everyone is the same.

Mother doing a martyr act but there’s a bit of dysfunction on both sides tbh. Who needs a poll to prove themselves right following a tiff with their mum or anyone else for that fact?

Your mum is most probably older than I am. This is relevant, because I know I am a bit old fashioned when I message/text. So your mum probably is too.
So, from my perspective, if it’s been a few days (for you it was a week), I would never text anyone, not even my next door neighbour, a blank question without first saying “How are you? All good?” And then I’d probably say “Really need so and sos Address can you send? Promise to catch up properly after work”

I would feel really rude and abrupt just sending “need address for so and so” it just reads like a demand, like I’m treating the other person worse than I treat my secretary in real life.

Depends on tour relationship. Also can depend if you are always expected to do the running with communication or if you sit back and get them to chase.

I know a few people that never ask how I am, they just send photos or talk about themselves. It really gets my goat! So it depends how often you do it really. If you did it every time with a text I could understand but not if it was a one off because you were busy.