To be annoyed DP viewing properties without me knowing?

[knickersinatwis]

Been with DP for 3 years and I’m 8 months pregnant.

We were planning on buying a house together this year until my financial situation changed. He now wants to buy a family home for us through his business. I’m not comfortable with this for many reasons including financial security, business is 50/50 split with his business partner and the house not being in my name should we separate. I have told him we will wait to buy until my situation changes and I’m happy where we are for now.

I just discovered he’s been booking viewings for local properties without me knowing and not even asking my opinion on them first or discussing it with me.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

Was he possibly viewing houses to find one and then try and convince you by then getting you to view it and come round to his way of thinking?
I think it depends on his motives, if you are currently renting or have a mortgage and when your situation will change

but in your case it gives you absolutely no financial security
No does renting which seems to be the alternative.

As for mariage, an unplanned baby is not a reason to marry any longer.

What has changed about your financial situation and how long will it take to return to a position you can afford to buy?. Can DP afford to buy on his own, or is he looking at doing it through his business and then buying it from his business when you are in a better financial position?

actually having a baby is a VERY good reason to get married, not on moral grounds but on grounds of financial protection for the mother.
Having a baby while not being married makes a woman financially vulnerable, unless she has substantial assets.

Would he expect you to pay to live in it?

The set up wouldn't interest me OP. If he wants to buy a house with his business partner he is welcome to but if that is more important that developing a life together, then I'd consider why I was bothering with him, especially as it demonstrates he cares very much about his needs/wants and financial security but yours are immaterial.

As an aside I would be equally annoyed that he was dishonest and selfish enough to be trying to enter other households (allowed or not) then coming home to me, during a pandemic, and not telling me .

@dontdisturbmenow did I say otherwise? Or did I suggest people lay off the OP for not being married?

@Pixieblu Why on earth did she show her abusive partner her future home?

How does that work if a business buys a property? Surely you can't just live there rent-free while the business pays the mortgage?

actually having a baby is a VERY good reason to get married, not on moral grounds but on grounds of financial protection for the mother
Why put yourself in a position to rely on a man to marry you for financial protection? Marriage is about mutual love and commitment, not about insuring the woman who doesn't want to be financially self sufficient can get money in case of divorce or death.

How about agreeing that both have an equal responsility to physically, emotionally and financially care for the baby?

The house is also going to be at risk if the business becomes insolvent.

Are you renting at the moment?

I suppose if he bought a property (by himself or through his business) there's nothing to stop you living in it with him. The issue is that it wouldn't be yours, you shouldn't contribute to the mortgage or any repairs or other work, and if you had relationship issues, he could kick you out and you'd have no legal right to stay (let alone a right to any share of it).

If he was truly committed to you, and to protecting your financial and housing security, he would want to get married and/or put your name on the house deeds.

The fact that he wants to do it this way and is viewing properties without you is very worrying.

Will you get maternity pay? Enhanced (contractual) or SMP? It will be essential for you to return to work (do NOT give it up!) and it would be wise not to take the full year of mat leave, not unless you have generous maternity pay.

You should give baby your surname, too (but then mothers should always do that )

"How about agreeing that both have an equal responsility to physically, emotionally and financially care for the baby?"

Unfortunately the number of men who are willing to take shared parental leave and split all childcare responsibilities equally - making career compromises if necessary - is very low. Many assume that maternity leave and the bulk of childcare are the mother's job. Meanwhile, he provides financially - but it's his money, not family money. This sexist and selfish attitude is still very prevalent.

But sure, let's blame the women for wanting financial protection. It's always the woman's fault

I wouldn't be happy with this, no. DH and I are also looking to buy, we do look at houses separately but only at the online advert stage, we'll then send the link to each other and we've never gone to a viewing separately (that I know of), it would be a bit odd.
You're right to want to wait until it's a joint effort and the house is in your name too. I've seen people be screwed over, 20 years together and after a separation man threatens to sell the house, woman has to fight to stop that or be entitled to part of the proceeds, despite paying towards the house over the years. Not married, so that complicated things. Make sure you get married.

Yes, you can of course agree that both parents will have equal responsibility for the financial costs associated with having a baby etc.
Because agreements without legal back up never get broken do they?
Having a baby seriously damages a womans potential earning power, often long term and without the legal protection if marriage women are constantly getting screwed over by the father of their children - a quick read of the Relationships Board will confirm that. I'm not talking about white dresses and a party, I'm talking about marriage - which is a legally binding contract that does give more protection to a woman having a baby than any "agreement" can.

And of course by the business owning the house rather than this man it ensures that OP can have no claim on it whatsoever whatever her status

And of course by the business owning the house rather than this man it ensures that OP can have no claim on it whatsoever whatever her status

But his partner will own 50%. In fact technically the business owns it, if it gets into trouble the house will be sold.

He’ll only get max 50% with the partner so I don’t really get what the benefit is, even if it can be done in a way that makes it financially worth it via tax/rates.

In fact putting it in a company makes it more vulnerable- the one thing about forming a company (if it is) is that your personal finances are not at risk should the company dissolve.

I’d let him and his partner crack on. But make it clear you will not be moving in, and you will be looking separately for a property funded by your personal finances.

I agree it would be the same for the OP financial as renting. Except

1. The BFs company/ partnership is the landlord. So if they split up, The OP and the baby are the ones who will have to leave.

1. She is paying towards the Mortgage but rather than then both benefiting , it’s only him.

1. She has no way of knowing what the business legal and financial arrangements are. If they bought together , she would know everything.

Also, if he’s self employed it’s very VERY easy for him to hide income and very hard to define assets. So he’s almost certain to pay no child support if they split up and would get little in a divorce.

So many many reasons to be finically wary and NOT stop work or go part time and make sure he pays his share of childcare costs and does his share of parenting.

Also, if he’s self employed it’s very VERY easy for him to hide income and very hard to define assets. So he’s almost certain to pay no child support if they split up and would get little in a divorce

Not if it’s a limited company.

If its a limited company which he owns , he can chose what salary to pay himself.

Or he can gift his shares to one of his family members and pay them dividends and they can give the money to him.

Or he can pay most of his salary as pension contributions.

Or he can hire his new partner and pay her most of ‘his’ wages.

Or he can move in with a new partner who has children.

There are lots of ways around things. Why do you think so many women are married to well off men and then on divorce suddenly are are on low or minimum wage?

I know someone who was an orthodontist ( oh yes, well known for being low paid ). On divorce he gave up his business and started working for a brand new company owned by his new partner. Apparently she then earned a very high wage as the company owner and only paid him a very small salary.