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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DP viewing properties without me knowing?

69 replies

knickersinatwis · 15/05/2020 03:39

Been with DP for 3 years and I’m 8 months pregnant.

We were planning on buying a house together this year until my financial situation changed. He now wants to buy a family home for us through his business. I’m not comfortable with this for many reasons including financial security, business is 50/50 split with his business partner and the house not being in my name should we separate. I have told him we will wait to buy until my situation changes and I’m happy where we are for now.

I just discovered he’s been booking viewings for local properties without me knowing and not even asking my opinion on them first or discussing it with me.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:

franfine · 15/05/2020 06:20

Why is it your financial situation? You're having a baby together aren't you?

LivingThatLockdownLife · 15/05/2020 06:24

Well if it was the other way around, I was pregnant and DH had his "financial situation change" but I was still able to buy a house then I would want to go ahead. Getting on the property ladder is hard but worth doing. Especially with a baby on the way I would want that feeling of security.

Not sure what would have "changed" to make you change your mind on buying a house. Maybe if you posted you could get some advice on that.

Marriage by the way.. you can do in the registry office for a few quid. Get it done if I were you.

0DETTE · 15/05/2020 06:27

You know you can get married now, don’t you ? Marriages are still happening in lockdown.

Because otherwise you are mad to take anything more than a few weeks maternity leave. He needs to divide the rest of the family leave with you so you can get back to work ASAP. You can’t risk buggering up your career and pension to protect his.

Make sure that you have childcare lined up too. I guess it I will have to be a nanny right now.

You are absolutely right not to live in a house owned by him and his business partner. Make sure you own it with him ( if you are married ) or own it alone if you are not.

Do not I repeat NOT give baby his surname if you are not married. It’s easy enough to change it later if you want to. But if you give baby his name, he will never agree to change it to yours if you split up.

You need to start putting your child and their financial security first, it can’t all be about your DP and what he wants any more. You’ve been a bit naive so far and you need to wise up a bit.

pilates · 15/05/2020 06:28

I can understand why you’re not happy with the set up. It sounds like he’s looking after number 1 in case your relationship fails. I would want some security especially with a baby on the way.

tara66 · 15/05/2020 06:39

Maybe the other business partner is putting in most of the money for the house otherwise there is no advantage for YP because of tax when selling.

isabellerossignol · 15/05/2020 06:51

You know you can get married now, don’t you ? Marriages are still happening in lockdown.

I think that depends whereabouts in the UK you are. Where I am, there are no marriages at present, although they said yesterday that exceptions would be made in future for the terminally ill.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2020 06:55

It sounds like he's ignoring you or planning to move out without you. What did he say when you asked him about it?

Pixieblu · 15/05/2020 07:18

I know a woman who secretly bought a house, furnished it and then took her DP for a viewing so they could rent the home. She was planning on leaving him and was securing her way out. He was financially abusive and if he knew she could afford to buy the house would have gambled the deposit in an effort to "double it" so their mortgage would be lower and she would have been back to square 1. She left before they moved out and he is none the wiser as although they weren't married if he knew he would insist on his "half".

Doesn't sound good OP

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 15/05/2020 07:19

You were very foolish to get pregnant without the security of marriage.

He has unfortunately proven already that he’s not seeing this as a ‘we’re in it together’ situation.

I’d push hard for marriage in your shoes, if he’s anything other than immediately enthusiastic about the idea, I’d be making plans to leave.

KatherineJaneway · 15/05/2020 07:33

His actions are those of a man protecting his money. No one I know would go visiting houses without even discussing it with their partner.

Are you currently financially dependent on him? Will you have to move into this house if he buys it?

Biancadelrioisback · 15/05/2020 07:36

Stop giving OP a hard time for not being married FFS. What year is this??

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/05/2020 07:41

Oh dear I have to agree with the others saying he's setting himself up.

He's done this when you're at your most vulnerable - you're 8 months pregnant!!!!

There is a type of man out there who is perfectly happy to live with a woman, get her pregnant, get his child cared for for free by a woman who loves it, get his domestic needs met for free and all this whilst feathering his own nest and focussing on his on career progress.

Sounds like he might be one of those men.

Think about it - of all the times to buy a house with you, he's waited till you were 8 months pregnant before he acted on this.

TerrapinStation · 15/05/2020 07:47

It sounds like he's trying to set things up to ensure that he gets everything if you split

I'm not sure that would be the case anyway as the property would belong to a business that he owns with someone else, surely that would be a very complicated way to go about things.

Where are you OP? I thought in England actual house viewings were still going to be the exception for time being, would it be right to say you live in another part of the world where maybe house ownership has different laws?

NoHardSell · 15/05/2020 07:50

What changed about your financial situation?

Be very wary of becoming dependant on this man once your baby is here. If you go part time, that is your personal future you are messing up, not his. You wouldn't have a share in the house or other assets unless you are either married or on the deeds.

recycledbottle · 15/05/2020 07:51

If you are not financially ready to buy a house maybe he wants to take advantage of the corona property market? It could be the case that when you are sorted/in a better position so too are a lot of other people and cant avail of bargains. Because it is through a business then that complicates matters and you would both be renting this property until the business decides to sell to you,if they do. Whats the difference between renting privately and renting from his business?

dontdisturbmenow · 15/05/2020 08:02

How is this worse than renting? I don't get why you'd want to rent as a couple when he has an option to buy.

The problem is you, you are not in a position to buy, that's not his fault. It sounds like you don't want him to be an owner of you can't be yourself which is stupid in your circumstances.

It bake complete sense for at least one of you to buy somewhere especially if it means paying less for the monthly mortgage than rent and you don't have to worry about being evicted.

In the end, if you are to remain together, he can always sell and buy something together when you are able to be included on the mortgage.

In the meantime, it makes complete sense to do.it the way he proposed. You won't be in any way worse off than you are now.

nowahousewife · 15/05/2020 08:13

Of course he can look at houses by himself but I'd be wary if he seems to be hiding this from me. I'd be very wary of him wanting his company to buy the house, in fact it would be a deal breaker!

I know someone who'd been with her husband since they were teenagers, married, had 2 DC's and just before he turned 50 he dropped dead. Their 'family' home was owned by his company which his brother was the other company owner. Whilst allowed to carry on living there for a while, my friend and their teenage children who had had their lives thrown into total disarray by his death were expected to move out eventually. I cannot remember whether or not he had a will but there was so much extra grief caused by sorting out this situation. She lost the love of her life, her home and all she believed her life was virtually overnight.

If you are not married you will be in an even more vulnerable position. I would seriously consider what his commitment to you is OP.

andweallsingalong · 15/05/2020 08:23

I don't really see the problem.

You told him you're not ready to buy.

He doesn't want to carry on renting.

He's presumably just looking at the moment getting a feel for options.

What's the difference in living in a house owned by his business v a stranger ? So long as he is still willing to buy together when you are ready.

I wouldn't want to waste money renting from a stranger if I could invest it in an asset instead either.

TheTeenageYears · 15/05/2020 08:34

Buying a property via a business setup comes with a different set of tax rules. Gains in value are subject to tax and i'm fairly sure there is no residents relief so would be chargeable on the whole gain. Buying as a business is usually done if the main purpose is to rent it out. There are pro's and con's if you own the business and rent the house from the business but in your case it gives you absolutely no financial security.

Tappering · 15/05/2020 08:43

It's a simple conversation.

He's welcome to buy a house with his business partner, but you won't be living in it.

Therefore if he wants to live with you and the baby as a family, then any house purchased will be in joint names between the pair of you.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 15/05/2020 08:47

Maybe the property isn't for you to live in maybe he and his partner have decided to invest in buy to let while the market is subdued

helpfulperson · 15/05/2020 08:50

How is he booking viewings in the middle of a lockdown? I thought they were still looking at how to get house moves up and going again.

You say he is not allowed to buy with you until your financial situation changes - do you expect that to be soon? Would you be happy for him to fund a purchase that was in both your names?

emz771 · 15/05/2020 08:52

Sorry OP - but he is lying to you. He isn’t buying a residential property through his business.

He is buying it himself and fobbing you off.

mistermagpie · 15/05/2020 08:58

You can't really tell him not to buy a house, but nor can he tell you that you have to live in it.

I own our house and DH isn't named anywhere on the deeds or mortgage, but that was something we decided to do together and for reasons that were best for both of us. We were also married when I bought it which makes a difference.

It doesn't really sound like you are on the same page as each other and thar would concern me at this stage the relationship.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 15/05/2020 09:19

@Biancadelrioisback

Stop giving OP a hard time for not being married FFS. What year is this??

Its the year in which the split of assets is governed by vastly more generous legislation the woman is married than not.

FFS, such an ignorant comment. The law doesn't just magically change because you think it should.

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