Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my new partner might be Autistic

72 replies

Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 09:47

I have been seeing my new partner for nearly 2 years. I love him very much and he can be very considerate and kind to me. He has told me others in the past have thought he may be on the spectrum.

He is very interested in Politics and the Environment and will talk for hours about these subjects. He is very knowledgeable on these subjects. He has great will power with exercise. He also says he doesn't like humans very much and doesn't really need them. He lives alone and only really sees me. This is unusual because he is very popular and always invited out in his work.

I care for him deeply however sometimes he can make very blunt and hurtful comments. Things like you have a very big forehead or what's this... Poking at a little weight gain. He seems genuinely suprised when I express hurt and is very apologetic.

He likes to disappear into a book or computer game. When stressed he cant see anyone for a whole weekend.

I really care for this man and genuinely don't think he wants to hurt me with the occasional hurtful comment. Could this be undiagnosed autism?

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 14/05/2020 16:18

It could be. Or he could just be rude and antisocial and looking for an excuse. It's down to him to go and get tested. Don't rely on an armchair diagnosis as a way to excuse things you find unacceptable. It almost sound like you're the concerned parent tbh. At the end of the day, diagnosis or not, he isn't going to change for you or anyone else.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 14/05/2020 17:35

Aren't all men a bit mean? Genuine question?

Are you "a bit mean"? You shouldn't have anyone around you or your kids who is mean-even just a "bit mean" You need to work on your self esteem if you don't think you deserve someone kind.

NameChanger94 · 14/05/2020 18:05

Ex would say something hurtful, then I’d try to explain why it was mean.
He’d give a fake apology and if pressed would concede he knew it was hurtful but “didn’t know why he said it” but then the next day/week he’d be making a similar comment again. By the 50th time you must concede that they know what they’re doing. You’ve explained it. They keep doing it. And when you stop explaining and pulling them up on it they’ll do it more.

I’m not referring to those who make a concentrated effort to stop doing/saying the blunt and hurtful things. But men who say similar hurtful things a hundred times, get pulled up on it a hundred times and continue on! Nobody autistic by adulthood thinks that calling someone fat or saying they’ve a big forehead is acceptable.
Anyway,

These comments ranged so much but could be aimed at my body, my music tastes; my interests. He would regularly make me feel as though I had to defend liking a film, genre or Band. Or not liking something he did like. It was a way to wear me down into watching what he wanted to watch, listening to his “superior” music tastes. Etc.
He would also use his “autism” as an excuse to hide away for a day, two; weekend or week. Even when I had surgery that could’ve left me disabled for life, I woke up alone afterwards.... because he was so stressed he just couldn’t come to the hospital to be with me. I didn’t see him for nearly another week after that.

It got too much, it’s still too much for me to comprehend.
I can also tell you gaslighting and general emotional bullying became involved. Among many other things.
My ex turned out to not be autistic as he initially claimed, but actually had an undiagnosed personality disorder (diagnosed after the split).

Many people haven’t experienced this and will tell you it’s just autism they mean no harm, they’re so loyal and loving apart from the odd autistic fuck up etc but sadly it’s not always the case.
Please, watch out for yourself OP.

JanMeyer · 14/05/2020 18:39

Even if by some miracle he tried to get diagnosed, autism is a spectrum, which to some extent most of us are on depending on how you interpret it. It's not a case of he either is or he isn't.

You mean if he got assessed, you don't go to get diagnosed. You go to get assessed and if you meet the criteria then you get diagnosed. Oh, and yes, it very much is a case of he either is or he isn't. Only AUTISTIC PEOPLE are on the AUTISTIC SPECTRUM 😡 Having autistic traits does not make a person autistic. I can't believe people are still spouting this crap.

JanMeyer · 14/05/2020 18:46

If they are down to autism then I view them as a gift that I wish more people had.

Oh my god, could you be more patronising about autism and autistic people. If autistic people want to call their autism a gift that's their prerogative, but an NT person has no such right. What a load of romanticising bollocks. You know autism is a developmental disorder and a disability for many people who have it right? What part of not understanding social interaction do you consider a gift exactly? And echoing other posters, i think he's rude rather than autistic. Some people just aren't sociable and have terrible people skills, doesn't make them autistic. And as an autistic person i find it really offensive that when someone is rude there has to be at least one person to say "oh, maybe they're autistic."
Same with abusive dickhead partners on here, "oh he could be on the spectrum." Yeah, because autism makes you behave like a selfish twat 😡

seltaeb · 14/05/2020 18:55

TBH he does not sound like a great long term partner to share your life and have children with.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 14/05/2020 18:57

If they are down to autism then I view them as a gift that I wish more people had.

If he's a good person then I suspect that he sees it as a "curse" because he's upset and angered people.

whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 19:04

For context, I'm diagnosed autistic.

Being autistic is not an excuse to be rude. I might say things not realising they are upsetting, but as soon as I'm constructively told, then I'm hugely apologetic and tend not to do it again. It's when I'm not told that it breeds resentment. Tbh, if anything I overthink things. If your partner is autistic, tell him to use this rule when commenting on something - is it something they can fix in five minutes? That is the difference between some food in someone's teeth and some weight gain. I know some people find it frustrating to have to explicitly tell me things I should already know, but that's the disabling part of the condition.

Oh and @BlackForestCake I totally agree. Some disgusting, ablist comments. This is why I don't disclose to many people.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:08

Janmeyer how can it be patronising to say some nice qualities that others have informed me are autistic traits on here that I really love are a compliment to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:11

I don't wish to upset you I'm just trying to educate myself on something they I don't know much about. Please don't make me feel like I'm walking on eggshells

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 14/05/2020 19:13

I can see that someone might not realise that commenting on forehead size is rude.
People on the spectrum might not be the first to realise that - but seriously, an adult man hasn’t managed to learn that whether he gets it or not, pointing at someone’s fat and saying, “what’s that?” is potentially hurtful?
My sister has 3 on the spectrum. All diagnosed. All different. All capable of learning some basic “rules” even if they think they’re pointless and don’t see why they would upset someone. All know, you don’t comment on other people’s bodies.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:14

Whenskiesaregrey thank you for the advice

OP posts:
JanMeyer · 14/05/2020 19:14

how can it be patronising to say some nice qualities that others have informed me are autistic traits on here that I really love are a compliment to him?

Because you aren't autistic, you don't get to label someone else's disability as a gift. Hell you don't even know if he's autistic. And the things you mentioned aren't necessarily autistic traits, they can be, but they can also be just personality traits. I repeat my earlier question, what part of finding it difficult to navigate social situations do you consider a gift exactly? You don't get to decide that anything related to autism is a gift when you don't have it and you don't live with it. You don't get to speak for autistic people.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:18

And do you get to tell me what my personal opinion is? Do I have to not like something just because you say so? The qualities I mentioned I actually said "if they are attributed to autism" I don't know if they are as I have said but I do know I view those actions as a gift whether NT or not.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 19:26

Does he believe himself to have ASD?

Has he done anything to manage his tendency to deal with:

  • work stress by lashing out at you verbally,
  • relationship stress by abandoning you,
  • life stress by hiding away in games and his room.

Tbh, if you are just dating, he won't meet your children, you won't move in together and you aren't looking for a new husband then you could be more tolerant of his annoying traits because you can just go home or chuck him whenever you want and little is lost.

JanMeyer · 14/05/2020 19:35

This is what you said: "If they are down to autism then I view them as a gift that I wish more people had."
So again why do you consider having a developmental disorder a gift? Are there any other disabilities you consider a gift? You can like whatever the fuck you want, but as an autistic person yes, i get a little annoyed when people start spouting crap about autism being a gift and romanticising it. And i find it even more annoying when the person doing it has no actual experience of autism. But you won't be out of place on MN, diagnosing your partner with autism because he's rude or selfish is all the rage on here.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:41

Hey Jan I don't want to upset you. I apologise as I obviously did Flowers

OP posts:
JanMeyer · 14/05/2020 19:46

Hey Jan I don't want to upset you. I apologise as I obviously did.

Thank you for the apology. I apologise if i was overly harsh. It's just there's been similar threads in the past and it's very frustrating. Then again attitudes towards autism and disability on MN are very frustrating in general.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 19:56

I can understand that I don't wish to add to that

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 20:04

Mesome keep in mind that you have no idea if he is autistic.

All you do know is that you are flapping around looking for ways to convince yourself to accept unacceptable behaviour.

BubblyBarbara · 14/05/2020 20:08

I teach autistic teenagers and we have to teach them what is and isn't socially acceptable

All well and good to teach autistic people how to mask their true selves in public or polite company but OPs partner cannot be expected to do this full time in his own home. I think OP should probably dump him and find a more compatible partner

Purpleartichoke · 14/05/2020 20:15

I’m probably autistic and my DH might be. We learned this when going through the diagnostic process for our dd. We didn’t pursue testing for ourselves because it really doesn’t matter for our adult lives. We are both happy and enjoy good careers.

I don’t think you should be more or less understanding if he has autism or not. This is who he is. If you think he is a good match for you, then that is all that matters. Every partner is going to have flaws. My husband is a picky eater. I am clumsy to the point of annoying the people around me. But in the grand scheme of things, those behaviors aren’t a big deal to the other person and are more than offset by our shared interests, friendship, and physical intimacy.

If he makes you feel bad about yourself, then he isn’t a good match.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread