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Original poster

To think my new partner might be Autistic

72 replies

Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 09:47

I have been seeing my new partner for nearly 2 years. I love him very much and he can be very considerate and kind to me. He has told me others in the past have thought he may be on the spectrum.

He is very interested in Politics and the Environment and will talk for hours about these subjects. He is very knowledgeable on these subjects. He has great will power with exercise. He also says he doesn't like humans very much and doesn't really need them. He lives alone and only really sees me. This is unusual because he is very popular and always invited out in his work.

I care for him deeply however sometimes he can make very blunt and hurtful comments. Things like you have a very big forehead or what's this... Poking at a little weight gain. He seems genuinely suprised when I express hurt and is very apologetic.

He likes to disappear into a book or computer game. When stressed he cant see anyone for a whole weekend.

I really care for this man and genuinely don't think he wants to hurt me with the occasional hurtful comment. Could this be undiagnosed autism?

OP posts:
bitofafunnyquestion · 14/05/2020 11:10

I'm in no position to advise on autism but would say that underlying reason for his comments or no, it sounds as though he is socially able enough in other areas (I.e. it sounds as if he has distinguished not to say these kinds of things to his boss or colleagues or he wouldn't be so popular at work) that he needs to learn not to make them, rather than you needing to learn to live with them.

I get the impression his solidity is a comfort in contrast to your unfaithful, flitty ex. But that doesn't necessarily make this chap the right one for you.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 14/05/2020 11:27

@Mesomeplace OP, I would want to know for sure. Uncertainty is quite unsettling.
I am not sure how best to get checked out, however you have been together for two years, so probably it is worth your time. Once you know, they can help you / both of you about moving on and understanding his comments / bluntness.
All the best, he sounds a kind guy, but you do sound hurt by some of his comments. It would help you understand whether you are being oversensitive due to previous bad experience or he is just a nasty piece of work.
Then you can make a sensible decision Flowers

LinManWellWellWell · 14/05/2020 11:32

My DH is probably autistic. We only realised when we started seeking help for our son (who is on a waiting list for diagnosis) and we suddenly realised that there were many many similarities. We nearly divorced about 3 years ago because of constant extreme examples of the things you mentioned - just the need to be in control of everything and the panic when it wasn't and that coming out in stress towards me. When it all came to a head DH took a long time to really understand why his behaviour would be hurtful to me - and like you part of my struggle was that he needed it explained! BUT having had it explained he worked really hard and things have been very different. In a house of 4 I am probably the only NT person and tbh that can be lonely at times as I am quite sociable and they would happily go for weeks without leaving the house! But the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Not saying that autism is negative but if you are married to an autistic person without realising it I think there are extra challenges! But then each autistic person is completely unique.

What a ramble, sorry!

Ellie56 · 14/05/2020 11:35

Hmm just because your ex was a number 10 abusive knob, doesn't mean you should put up with the number 2 or number 3 abusive knob who comes afterwards.

There shouldn't be any abusive/hurtful comments or behaviour.

And totally agree with Blanktimes.

Most of us are not on the spectrum "to some extent". Hmm. Autism is a lifelong disability, and only those diagnosed by qualified professionals using very specific criteria, are on the spectrum.

HarrietTheShy · 14/05/2020 11:37

There was a really good post on here a while back about how men 'hide' or manage their autistic traits until they get a partner, then revert to how they really are. Meanwhile, women hide/manage their traits their entire lives.

I think it's unlikely he'd change his behaviour even if he were diagnosed.

LorraineBelly · 14/05/2020 11:40

He's an arsehole not autistic.

RockThrills · 14/05/2020 11:43

Having a diagnosis of autism doesn't mean he can say rude things & not think of the consequences.

WaterWisp · 14/05/2020 13:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

BlackForestCake · 14/05/2020 13:35

The amount of abuse being given out on this thread is staggering, and yet it's autistic people who are supposed to be rude!

"Boring", "no fun", "arsehole", "rude".

How are you all coping with isolation and not seeing anyone? That's how people like you make autistic people spend their whole lives. Have a think about that.

Hopkinsscar · 14/05/2020 13:35

I would work on being less sensitive to hs comments if I thought it was autism rather than abusive.

Do you really want a relationship where you have to work so hard?

PotholeParadise · 14/05/2020 13:45

It would because I have previously been in a very abusive relationship. I would work on being less sensitive to hs comments if I thought it was autism rather than abusive. I don't really have a very good filter.

Stop right there. You are weighing this man up as a potential longterm partner, which means you might sometimes potentially spend 24/7 of your time with him. Recent events have certainly shown that.

Don't make excuses for him. Making excuses for someone else eases the way when you merely work with someone who you find rude.Trying to be less sensitive to someone's comments when you are going to be spending that much time with them is a non-starter.

If he hurts your feelings and it's so regular it's already a problem, maybe a relationship just doesn't work between you both.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 14:09

Thanks for the advice I agree. I am very attached to him and I find many of his traits just lovely. If they are down to autism then I view them as a gift that I wish more people had. I have had my feelings hurt though so I will really consider the advice. One thing he does if I cant sleep is he will read a book to me. He can be so kind. I have asked him about the comments he made. He said he didn't know why he said it. He said he was aware that It might hurt my feelings but the only reason he could think of is that he was stressed with work. He said he finds the whole of me beautiful and it was just a body part he mentioned.

For all of his lovely traits I will reflect on the fact that the reason for the comment was a deflection from work stress. I have had that before

OP posts:
Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 14:11

I wouldn't be having children with him as I have children and he doesn't want any. My dc have never met him as I didn't want hassle from my exdh.

OP posts:
IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 14/05/2020 14:14

OP: are you in a relationship with Sheldon Cooper?

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 14:15

He has also in the past dumped me because he couldn't manage the relationship. For example if we had a row and he thought he had let me down he would take it very much to heart. We always got back together. I am drawn to him I just hope it isn't a pattern of rejection and love that is keeping me hooked

OP posts:
LambDhansak · 14/05/2020 14:24

You're still repeating the pattern with guys who are mean to you. Crack on.

If they are down to autism then I view them as a gift that I wish more people had
No thanks! Being rude isn't a gift..there are enough people already. Having autism can be very hard, let's not romanticise it.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 14:26

Aren't all men a bit mean? Genuine question?

OP posts:
WoodliceCollection · 14/05/2020 14:30

The big forehead thing- maybe ASD related.
Poking at "weight gain" and asking what it is- not ASD related, because it's fucking obvious what it is to anyone with basic understanding of human anatomy (adipose tissue) and making unpleasant unwanted physical contact with someone is more an NT thing than an ASD thing (unless he's also cognitively impaired, which he's probably not if he's in full time work).
Being popular in work but choosing not to socialise- not ASD related, if anything the opposite (NT introversion/sociopathy).
Needing alone time- maybe ASD, maybe just introversion.

Really the only way to know is to get a referral for diagnosis. But you shouldn't put up with poking and childish rhetorical questions even if someone does have ASD- they're not linked and it's not an excuse. Some tactless remarks maybe, but not that. (Yes, I do have expertise on the topic, but I'm not willing to go into detail here- you're welcome to take or leave my advice.)

PotholeParadise · 14/05/2020 14:47

Aren't all men a bit mean? Genuine question?

Absolutely not. Whether they have autism or not. If we weren't in lockdown, I could go round in RL showing male friends your thread, and they would say, 'hmm, sounds like a git. Bet she can do better'. A couple of them actually have diagnosed autism, and they'd be the most outraged on your behalf about him poking at a little weight gain and asking you what it was.

(Sadly, none of them are single, so I can't introduce you. Sad)

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 14/05/2020 14:52

Hmmm this has really got me thinking now about my version of acceptable

OP posts:
PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 14/05/2020 15:33

A person with autism might need the obvious explained but once they've been told not to comment negatively about someone's looks they wouldn't repeat that mistake because they'd know that "negative comments about looks are hurtful"

The fact that you would tolerate negative comments if he had autism is very worrying. Would you tell your kids to suck up comments like that because he had autism? If someone at school said something about their appearance wouldn't you want them to stand up for themselves even if the other person had SN and might have said it on impulse?

People with autism want successful friendships and relationships so are grateful for these sorts of "tips" IME and might need to be reminded that while it's important to get their needs met, they have to contribute to other people's needs too. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to be teased about gaining weight or your forehead regardless of how much weight or how wide it is.

Hopkinsscar · 14/05/2020 15:35

Another thing is that autism and being abusive aren't mutually exclusive. Lots of people buy into the idea that autistic people are naive, loyal and never lie but someone who is autistic can be taught social rules and still choose to break them regardless. Then said person would have the excuse of their autism as a handy get out clause.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 14/05/2020 15:38

He has also in the past dumped me because he couldn't manage the relationship.

Together with the w the knees off if he stressed, it sounds like he is not long-term material at all. Who initiated getting back together? If it's you then you need to think about whether it's ethical to coax a man who struggles into being with you. It's good that the kids aren't involved yet as it would be hard for them to live with a man who needs these time outs and not to take them personally.

TeaAndHobnob · 14/05/2020 15:58

Aren't all men a bit mean? Genuine question?

No. I've known my husband for 11 years, married for 8. He has never said anything hurtful or mean to me, never made me feel bad about anything.

lazylinguist · 14/05/2020 16:12

Aren't all men a bit mean? Genuine question?

No, absolutely not! It sounds like you have a very low bar due to your previous experiences tbh. Does your partner manage not to make rude remarks to other people. I mean... he may be autistic, or he may be claiming he thinks he's on the spectrum in order to get you not to question his insularity and rudeness.

Whether he is autistic or not, there is no reason you should stay with him if he cannot be kind and respectful to you. And frankly, kindness and respect are the baseline expectations you should have of a partner, they're not icing on the cake things.