Asking ex to pay

[Nameisthegame]

Me and my ex live abroad, he want ds who will be 3 in December to go to the uk for Christmas (if possible with Covid 19) I have to go to I said we will go if he will pay for both of us or we can go next summer and I’ll pay as it’s lovely in the summer can take ds out hang in the family garden lots of birthdays aswell so probably be a big party.

If I go in winter we will be stuck inside with no where to go, Ill have to basically take care of ds the whole time unless he Disney dads and acts better for fam and buy presents for them as it would be awkward not too. So AIBU asking him to pay?

[justthatnaillady]

Do you have something like CMS over where you live?

[Nameisthegame]

@justthatnaillady I’m wary to get into it anymore on here as my ex has found me before. I just wasn’t sure if I was unreasonable asking for him to pay for my flight if he wanted me to take ds down with him to see his family.

[NamechangeOnceMore]

I really don't think you need to go. If your ex wants to do this trip, get him to do overnights beforehand so your son is happy staying with him without you there.

If you unilaterally moved away from ex and this made contact difficult, I don't blame him for resenting that.

[Stronger76]

If you moved 9 hours away you should absolutely pay for your own flights to facilitate contact!

I moved a couple of hours away and did the majority of driving fortnightly, why should you stop your dc having a relationship with their dad?

[Nameisthegame]

I’m not going to get into why I moved it was completely justified and reasonable. Paying for me to travel down to ds nanny and uncles for Christmas is not in my opinion helping to facilitate contact when I’m happy to do it in the warm weather when my ex wants to do it for Christmas.

[Nameisthegame]

I don’t drive, ex hasn’t paid anything towards ds I’m paying everything. I am expected to look after ds when he’s working and would have to stay over as he has never looked after ds over night, done night feeds etc.

[june2007]

You can,t have it both ways, on one hand our saying ex has never doe nighhts, but yu mooved away and are unwilling to facilitate nights.

[Nameisthegame]

Oh I didn’t realize that I had to facilitate contact after suffering financial ad emotional abuse and had to flee my home while I was starving because I was paying for everything and leave my job and go live with my mum across the country.

He has not paid anything towards ds this whole time I don’t have spare money to pay to take ds down there right now. I do want ds to see his father hence why they video chat etc.

[Nameisthegame]

Btw we were evicted because he hadn’t paid the rent or bills for over 4 months my question was AIBU to ask him to pay to fly to the uk for Christmas not for contact which would be unlikely to happen as we can’t travel around the country due to the virus.

[GrapefruitGin]

You don’t need to go. Dad can fly back pick up your child and take him with him. Same for return journey.

[Nameisthegame]

@GrapefruitGin I don’t see how ds spending a week alone with ex at just 3 in a different country with people he barely knows when he has never spent a night away is healthy.

[Nameisthegame]

And I am afraid ex wouldn’t return ds probably unfounded fear but it could happen.

[GrapefruitGin]

@nameisinthegame then go with him but pay for yourself. It’s not his responsibility to fund you. Sorry to be blunt.

[SonnyRobes]

I think you're being unreasonable. Either he's enough of a parent to take your son on his own or he's not enough of a parent to take him at all. If you want your son and ex to have a relationship then you need to let them have one without you being there all of the time. It's shocking that your son is three and not spent more than eight hours away from you with his dad. If that's because dad can't cope for more than that then you need to work together to build that up in a way that's beneficial for your child. Christmas is seven months away - that's seven months for your ex to build up his parenting skills and his time alone with your son. Your ex can potty train your son as well as you can - I assume your ex doesn't wear nappies!?

[Nameisthegame]

Fund me for what? Happy to pay in the summer when there is stuff I can do and we can leave the house not for the middle of winter to be stuck inside.

[SonnyRobes]

There's plenty to do in winter. You're the one insisting on going so why should your ex pay for you to go. He wants to take his son on holiday. If you want to go then why should he pay for you? If you don't want to go then don't go. I'm not sure what you're asking?

[Nameisthegame]

I’m not happy about him looking after ds and drinking but also time he worked a lot or was asleep, refused bath or take ds out and rather than pubs took him to the pub.not sure if restrictions will be lifted before July August

[Helenluvsrob]

Worry about it when you know if it’s even possible - 14 days quarantine on arrival in uk with a 3yr old Wouk be a no go , especially if there were then 14 days back home as well 😱😂

[Nameisthegame]

Really is nothing to do everything will be shut for Christmas the house is not in town there will probably be none or very limited service during the time, there is no internet no play parks nearby, no cafe we would be most likely be stuck inside with a toddler the whole time.

[Nameisthegame]

@Helenluvsrob that is a big worry for me would definitely put my foot down and say no if that’s the case that’s why I’m not going this summer as I planned.

[GrapefruitGin]

I’m afraid you’re another one of those ‘I’m going to ask a question on aibu board but I’m going to argue every bit of advise offered to me’ posters.

[Nameisthegame]

Tbh I thought I was being nice saying I’d go at all, the whole thing would be expensive and stressful thing which I definitely would get anything from and I’m not even sure ds would enjoy it.

[Nameisthegame]

@GrapefruitGin okay I’ll accept the advice and say no you can’t take ds and I will pay next summer to go rather offering another option as more visitation and over night is impossible due to time and finances.

[Stronger76]

whole thing would be expensive and stressful well yes, a 9 hour trip to visit a parent who you've made it so difficult to maintain a relationship with WOULD be stressful...

If there are no reasons why your child should NOT have a relationship with their father, you should have included the cost and inconvenience of maintaining this relationship into your decision to move.

If your ex took you to court for access (which he should, and definitely would have a good case imo) you would be expected to facilitate and finance REGULAR contact between them, not arguing over Christmas and trying to justify waiting another 10-12 months just because it might be a bit cold and rainy over Christmas

[GlobalNobal]

I think if your relationship is over he has zero financial responsibility for you and if you feel you have to go you should pay. It also sounds a very negative situation. 5 months of your ds not seeing his father is terrible and if he works, as you say, 6 days a week then you need to find a way to let them have a relationship ,video calls and photos are not the answer. None of this should be about you or him but about your son.