to want a divorce because husband doesn't clean

[resentfulsecondwife]

I have lived with the man for six years.
Married because I was pregnant.
In that time he has never picked up a hoover unless we have people round and he is angry with me for not cleaning.
we have been to couple counselling where he banged on about my not keeping house and moving things when he was away.
he controls the money, I don't know what we have coming in or going out.
he buys himself a Porsche and diving holidays without me.
takes his oldest daughter to the Maldives while I'm at home with our two young girls.
I have not worked for six years because I have moved with him every two years for his career or his whim.
I have many reasons ok.
but yet- he brings me tea in bed sometimes, and bought this house for me where I wanted to live although it has just made me a bigger prisoner.
yet still when I see him just want to hug him and try to cheer him up, all our friends think he is a saint. even the councillor did.
he was very emotional man she said when I asked her she thought he was a narcissist.
so I'm confused right. I am trying to make a solicitor apt but don't even know what to say. I don't want a divorce I want him to change but I know he won't probably. unless he does. because if I am nice to him he is nice to me but it always has to me from me first,
Im no angel. I don't spend all my time cleaning and cooking and educating my kids, I watch Netflix and you tube too much.
trying to clarify my. mind here.

What

Another thread about another arsehole who exerts control over women. How depressing.

Go for independent counselling. You need to increase your self worth and self-confidence.

Once you have done that you will see he is an a-hole, which is why he had an older daughter with an ex, then you can make concrete plans on how to be more independent so you can more easily leave and divorce him.

If you don't he will ensure he makes leaving and divorcing him hell for you.

Well it’s not just because he doesn’t clean is it, although you would be perfectly entitled to divorce him for that alone if you wanted to.

He won’t change. Only you can make a change and that would be to get out.

It really is depressing how many stories like this are on here, you are not alone, but you can have a better life and so can your girls.

Go on now, tell me how he’s a great dad. Because you know he isn’t really.

First of all, there’s no point wasting the rest of your life desperately hoping that’s he’ll change into your ideal partner.
He won’t change.
He’s happy with the way things are.

Now ask yourself, are you willing to put up with living like like this for the foreseeable or do you want a fresh start?

I don’t know anyone amongst my circle of friends that spends their time cooking, cleaning and educating the kids. I do know plenty of women whose husbands love them unconditionally, including mine.

I also know my ex was an arsehole and I’m very happy not be stuck spending lockdown with him.

You can choose a different path. That’s your superpower.

You can end a relationship for any reason that makes you not want to be in that relationship.
Some things to think about though:

• If you don't work then are you both contributing to the household equally? If you don't work then how are you planning to support yourself if you leave and will this result in just as much cleaning plus work?
• Why did you marry him if this is an issue? I assume he didn't stop cleaning once you got married so what's changed?
• If it's his money then why shouldn't he be buying himself a porsche or holidays? If it's your money then why are you allowing him to spend it on those things? Does your money go into a joint bank account?
• If you own your house then I assume that you aren't planning on moving again soon so you could get a job? That would allow you to have control over your own finances and it would be fairer to split housework equally. Alternatively, you could just change jobs every two years or not move just because he wants to.
• Did you ever discuss who should be doing the housework or working before you married? What was that arrangement?

I would recommend trying to genuinely calculate how many hours per week you spend cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. Then add up how many hours he works, think about any chores that he does do (bins? cleaning the car? etc), does he do any DIY, does he spend time with your children, what about time he spends commuting to/from work? Compare each of your hours and see if it's close to equal. If it's roughly equal then that seems fair enough.
Then I would think about how much you're costing. Add up everything you've spent in the last month. Split the bills in half, food, meals out, clothes, birthday presents, car expenses, holidays etc - don't forget to include half the costs of your children because they're half your responsibility too. Take that total and divide it by how many hours you're doing and see how much you're "earning" per hour. If it's more than you'd be earning doing a job that you could get with your skills/experience then you're doing pretty well.

I understand that it's hard to be a SAHM because you don't get time away from your "job" and you feel unappreciated. Then you compare your husband's housework contribution to households where both people work and feel that it's only fair that he should work full time and do 50% of the chores and it all just gets a bit intense. It also feels like you have no control and you're a bit trapped and it can be overwhelming. Try to step back from that. Ask yourself a) based upon the number of hours I'm working and the number of hours he is working, am I doing a lot more than him? b) based upon the number of hours I'm working and the amount that I am costing to live my lifestyle, am I "earning" a reasonable amount? and c) would I be better off/happier/easier if I were a single mother, supporting myself financially?

I hope this helps. To be clear, I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful or unsympathetic. I just think that sometimes it's important to think things through as rationally as you can because emotional decisions often end up being decisions that people regret.

Divorce him if you want but my dh works hard and I just have a very part time job and I clean and cook all the time . We are a team so it works for us . The fact is I guess that he is demanding but I imagine he expects you to do that as he is working but is not going about it in a nice way .

If you think he might be a narcissist, the website Out of the Fog and the YouTube videos of might be of interest.

He doesn't sound like much of a catch from what you've said. Porsches and diving holidays you don't have any say in? It's not a very equal relationship, is it? And you describe yourself as a prisoner: listen, you do NOT have to stay anywhere where you feel like a prisoner. No matter how much tea you get brought.

I think you need private therapy.

It’s fine for him to take his older dd away as long as he does the same with / for your D.C. This doesn’t sound the case. If he wants cleaning done and neither one wants to do it, you could have a cleaner. If I’m not mistaken, this isn’t what he’d want.

It seems to me he is enjoying having you down trodden and beholden.

So you sit and watch Netflix/YouTube all day,

I'm a sahm...my dh works. I do 99.9% of all cleaning, cooking and shopping. I consider it my job. If I worked, I'd expect a more even division.

Do you have access to money op?

I was a SAHM (still am, actually, though no longer choice).

The housekeeping was my responsibility, though if I hadn't done it because the baby kept me busy my husband would put in the same amount of time as I did during evenings and weekends. (He did come home once and say "oh you haven't even washed up!" - at which point I handed him the baby before he'd taken his shoes off, walked into the kitchen without saying a word, and washed up. He never tried that again )

Anyway (ahem). My point is that it's not so much that he doesn't do anything. It's that he gets annoyed if it's not done to his liking (moaning because you moved things?) and - far more to the point - that he controls all the money, to the extent that the OP doesn't even know how much is there.

Go to the solicitor and say you want a divorce because he's emotionally and financially abusive. (Is there any way you can find out his income and capital without his knowing?)

Please read the book “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. I think it will answer a lot of your questions.

The lack of cleaning is the least of your worries OP!

Just be done with it. Your marriage sounds catastrophic for you both and your children.

A father of daughters has no business treating his wife like this. End of story.

I had a marriage like this. I wish I had hired someone to do the cleaning and gone back to work myself. We are now divorced

hi,
great range of answers, that's what it's like inside my head! of course I can't write out all the details or it would be a novel.
I have had individual therapy ad it just ends up with me going on about wanting a divorce and then getting scared that it might actually happen and stopping therapy.
I have a cleaner normally - not during lockdown- it's more the facial expressions and tone of voice about me being the cleaner the housewife.
he does the dishes, he cooks on Sundays.
when I think of divorcing his I can't sleep.
I think my girls (3 and 6) will hate me if I divorce. I am child of divorce, father beat mother so it was a no brainer.
I think, like me someplace I will be looking at getting into work.
He is taking DD to the Maldives though, that is the killer, not taken me there. Sais when kids are older we will go. I just think that's unfair.
I used to think it was fine when we lived in a flat an when we lived in a new build and when we lived in a cottage but the last two have been old buildings, renovations that I have overseen and I am just so bored of putting toys away.

He does sound controlling, and I won't defend that, but you seem to have a pretty easy life otherwise.

I don't think anyone reasonable would expect you to spend your entire life cleaning, cooking and educating your children, but to be honest I'd expect the stay at home parent to do the bulk of the cooking and housework, especially with the help of a cleaner. He does the washing up, and cooks on Sundays, so is not refusing to do anything at home.

Presumably in lock down things are a bit different, but you must normally only have one child at home during the school day, and possibly none some of the time if the three year old goes to nursery. Assuming no special needs, at 6 and 3 they are old enough to amuse themselves some of the time (with light-touch supervision), and they are definitely old enough to put away their own toys.

It sounds like you are jealous of his relationship with his older daughter. The comment about it being 'unfair' that he won't take you to the Maldives is quite telling I think. I agree with him that your children would enjoy a similar holiday far more when they are older.

Finally, your children will not hate you if you get a divorce. Children are better off with divorced parents than living with unhappily married ones.

You dont have to be married. It isnt mandatory.
So if you know you would feel less resentful and therefore happier, do it

Your latest post suggests he is thinking of you (if he were controlling I doubt he would have paid for a cleaner in normal times as it helps you not him). Maldives I can understand as it’s not really a place that young kids can have a good time. I think before you divorce you need to weigh up everything not just one thing (the cleaning) that you are focussing on.

Just to point out I usually work long hours in the city and DH does all the cleaning. Since mat leave coincided with lockdown he has carried on and added all nappy changes to the mix too. He does get snippy about it sometimes but then he also gets snippy when I do them as he’s territorial about it being his job. He’s fine in every other way and a great husband / dad

The Maldives isn't a place for young kids. If you want that type of holiday, then you need someone to look after your kids at home. He doesn't sound bad tbh....but if you are not happy with him...then you can split.

He cooks regularly and you have a cleaner.

Do you have access to money? Do you get a break from the kids? Not in lockdown obviously...but before.

Do you think you'd be happier without him?

You do

Grumpy sounds utterly clueless about the life of most sahps (as do so many main bread winners working long hours). The cleaner does not just "help" the OP! The cleaner cleans up the mess and dirt left behind by all the people living in the house. If they divorce do you think this man is going to carry on without a cleaner? Of course he isn't! He'll probably add in some extra hours so that she can do some of his laundry too.

Op it sounds miserable. Just be sure that it is the marriage and being tied to him that is making you so unhappy (rather than unrelated depression) before you throw the towel in.

You are a sahp and have a cleaner. Your husband does the dishes and cooks on Sundays. He doesn’t sound to bad. I think he has a point re the maldives and it is nice for him to have some 1:1 with his older child. Presumably you will still have a holiday? Do you have access to money generally or is he controlling in that way? It sounds like you are bored so why not look for a job or study? You don’t need to be at home all day once lock down ends. I understand his frustration if he has to clean when you have visitors when you are home and have a cleaner. I think it’s fair you do this (and not spend so much time on netflix and youtube) if you are not going out to work and he is.

Now you’ve come back I am struggling to think of him as a complete ogre. You sound jealous of the Maldives holiday. Will you be going away as a family sometime soonish? With the pandemic right now very few people will be this summer I believe. As for not knowing his income, this isn’t normal.

You’re either not explaining this well or else you just dislike him anyway.