to want a divorce because husband doesn't clean

[resentfulsecondwife]

I have lived with the man for six years.
Married because I was pregnant.
In that time he has never picked up a hoover unless we have people round and he is angry with me for not cleaning.
we have been to couple counselling where he banged on about my not keeping house and moving things when he was away.
he controls the money, I don't know what we have coming in or going out.
he buys himself a Porsche and diving holidays without me.
takes his oldest daughter to the Maldives while I'm at home with our two young girls.
I have not worked for six years because I have moved with him every two years for his career or his whim.
I have many reasons ok.
but yet- he brings me tea in bed sometimes, and bought this house for me where I wanted to live although it has just made me a bigger prisoner.
yet still when I see him just want to hug him and try to cheer him up, all our friends think he is a saint. even the councillor did.
he was very emotional man she said when I asked her she thought he was a narcissist.
so I'm confused right. I am trying to make a solicitor apt but don't even know what to say. I don't want a divorce I want him to change but I know he won't probably. unless he does. because if I am nice to him he is nice to me but it always has to me from me first,
Im no angel. I don't spend all my time cleaning and cooking and educating my kids, I watch Netflix and you tube too much.
trying to clarify my. mind here.

Just to add. Think about how you want him to change and what you want to be different. Is it fair? Is it realistic?

It sounds like you like each other and you have a relatively easy life. Do you love him? You don’t have to stay with him if you are unhappy. Think about what your life will be like if you separate. What do you want?

I don’t think him ‘controlling’ the money is wrong in itself if he is earning it but you should have access to what you need. Not have to ask permission etc. How does it work in practice?

Why does OP feel so stifled then?
Obviously a dynamic where he is master, he has benevolently granted a cleaner. I dont think that that proves he isnt that bad.

In the OP, i read
"He is very angry with me for not cleaning"
AND
"He controls the money"
AND
"He is very emotional"

And "i feel like an even bigger prisoner".

@resentfulsecondwife, does he make YOU responsible for his negatve emotions?
Is he a blamer?

You need to take the spotlight off the supposed proofs of how good or bad he is?

How do you feel
Like a prisoner?
Blamed?
Responsible for his criticisms?
Controlled?
Financially dependent?

Ca n you make a list of the good and bar things you feel.

My father remarried and had 2 more children. His wife doesn’t work and they have cleaners. If he offered to take me away while she looked after the kids when they were younger and she threatened to divorce him over it while she watched tv and expected him to bring home all the money and clean I would be telling him to divorce her.

What would his reaction be if you told him you were going back to work & expect more of a 50/50 split with chores?

Go to work

Earn some money

You seem very 'he buys me this' he buys himself that'

Be able to buy your own things and be independent. Take your dc on holiday if he's taking your step daughter.

Do you love him?

YANBU. Sounds very controlling. Borderline abusive.
Why does he buy himself a Porsche but not pay for a cleaner?

You clearly want a divorce but be careful and be clever. You need to look into divorce proceedings and how to protect and maximise your share of what you have. Presume DC is five or six years old?

Ideally you would enact the divorce after seven full years of marriage to fully consolidate your legal position (but take advice from a really good divorce solicitor)

I want him to change but I know he won't probably. unless he does.

I also don’t think you will actually split up with him. Unless you do.

Honestly, reading this all through again, I think this is a classic case of thinking that the grass is always greener and you've just got stuck in your own head. My mum does EXACTLY this.
My parents and my parents friends all have roughly the same social and financial standing. One family earn less but the woman doesn't work. One family go on very extravagant holidays. One family have very nice cars (he works high up for a car company so it's cheaper through that anyway).
My mum wants to not work like one of her friends, wants nice holidays like the other friend, wants nice cars like the other friend and so on... She can't have the best of everything with no compromise but the way that we learn to compare our lives means we can't see the wood for the trees and think that everyone else has it better.
You're a SAHM - the positive here is you don't have to work. You have two children - this is a lot less work than having three, four, five children... Your children are three and six - they're at school/nursery (outside of lockdown) and can occupy themselves a lot of the time. You have a cleaner - you have help to do your fair share where a lot of SAHM's are expected to do it all. Your husband does do some chores - You aren't doing everything all on your own, it just feels that way sometimes. You're financially stable and have nice things - that's an awful lot of stress off your mind to know that you and your children have security. Try to focus on the positives here.
Regarding your husband's older child, try to remember that how you encourage him to treat her is how he will treat your children in a few years time. You can't argue now that he shouldn't take her to the Maldives and then expect him to take your children there in ten years time. Him being a good father to her encourages him to be a good father to your children and trying to reduce anything there will only hurt your children.
Talk to your husband about how you do feel frustrated and unappreciated but be aware that just because you feel that way doesn't mean it's his fault. He may well also feel frustrated and unappreciated - and that isn't necessarily your fault. Just because your feelings are true does not mean that they are rational.
Personally, based on what you have said, I don't think that divorce is the answer - but I know a lot less that you do. From my experience, I think you're bored and I think you're spiralling down a bit which makes you less productive and more bored. It'll suck but, if I were you, I would make sure I'm cleaning/tidying/childcare non-stop for the next week. Take pride in it all, show off to your husband, your children, your family and your friends about how clean everything is. Make extra-extravagant dinners and offer him cups of tea. Do really fun and new activities with your children. Don't watch any TV. Pretend for one week that doing the cleaning and the cooking is what you want to be doing and your perspective on it it likely to shift a bit. People aren't happy because of what they do, they're happy because they're proud of what they do - regain the pride in what you're doing, that comes from doing the best job you can.
I know I sound like a gross motivational speaker or a primary school teacher but just try it?