To worry I wont love second baby as much as first?

[SqidgeBum]

I am 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. On DC1 I was elated. The love I felt from the moment I saw her was overwhelming. I loved her from the moment my morning sickness stopped. However, with this one, I feel no excitement. Nothing. From the moment I found out all I have been feeling is fear and panic.

I have no family support bar DH who works 12 hour days (but when he is home he is amazing), my parents live abroad, my teaching career is now basically dead because I cant afford childcare for 2 kids under 3, and when they are in school I cant stay after work for meetings or extra roles because there is nobody to help pick them up, give them their dinner etc.

I had post natal psychosis on my first. I completely lost myself for about 6 months. I hated being a SAHM, but then I also ran myself into the ground trying to convince people I had it together because I didnt have any choice but to have it together. Nobody was going to help me if I crashed.

With this baby, I cant talk to it, I cant think about it, I just see its arrival as the end of my sanity, my happiness, my career, everything. I am terrified I wont love it.

I worried when carrying my second, that I couldn't possibly love them as much as my first. Believe me I adore that child.
Good luck with the pregnancy, we are living in dark times

I didn't bond with any of my babies before they were born. Its weird isn't it?

Nonetheless, I love all three of them enormously.

I really would try not to worry. I think many 2nd time parents have the same fear but your love will just grow so there is enough for them both.

I thought the same, there was no way I could have a child as wonderful as my PFB. I was wrong, and loved my second immediately as I saw them. My MIL told me you don’t have a finite amount of lice to share, when you have another cold, it just doubles. Good luck x

FFS, lice & cold are typos ! that should read, you dont have a finite amount of LOVE to share, when you have another CHILD it just doubles.

I wouldn't worry about loving the child - I'm pretty sure it will happen, even if it's not an instant thing,

However, your MH is a different matter. Are you being monitored by your midwife? Were you hospitalised for your post natal psychosis? Looking after a toddler and a baby by yourself is pretty difficult - can you afford help? When you've finished your maternity leave, why can't your DH do his share of pickups/drop offs from nursery and after school club? Why is it your career that has to take the hit?

@Susie6789 I was thinking your MIL has some strange sayings haha

It is not surprising you are worried as you had a hard time with the first. You know the signs of getting ill now though and you should be able to flag your worries with a midwife now so they can put extra support in place for you.

Everyone worries they wont love the second as much as the first and it always turns out ok.

Dont throw your career away for the cost of childcare as it's a shared family cost. Maybe you could go part time for a couple of years, or get a childminder and negotiate later days a couple of days a week, or look into a nanny share, or ask to dial into meetings from home. It will be a hard and expensive 2 or 3 years and then suddenly the 30 hours will kick in and your children will entertain themselves a bit more after nursery and you will manage to still have a career. Also is there any way at all your husband could help a bit? Are there no single parents in his role? Does he have to physically be in his office 12 hour days or could he for example leave on time or early to pick them up on day and log in and do a couple more hours from home later?

I could have written this. I’m 32 weeks with my second, I’m not excited, I just want the pregnancy to be over. I had pnd with my first , and am just so stressed and nervous. The second baby was very much wanted and planned.

I thought that with my second grandchild, how on earth could I love anyone as much as I love this precious boy. Each subsequent grandchild has a place in my life in different ways and I love them all as much as number 1 .
You will be able to answer a similar post in years to come.

@MsVestibule my midwife has CV and is basically non existent. Not her fault obviously, but pre natal care is at a bare minimum. Scans are basically the extent of it.

I wasnt hospitalised but I did seek medical care, and then freaked out and refused it because the doc mentioned they 'wouldnt take my baby away' which hadnt occured to me could even happen and then I just shut down. I just muddled through the rest myself.

DH works in a job that starts at 7 and ends at 7. He tries his best, but he just cant take the slack from me. He also drives far away as part of his job, and works with gas, so he doesnt have set times for coming home. During the weekdays its on me. With regards to affording help, we can afford to put the eldest into childcare once a week to give me some time with just the baby. Thats about it though. Other than that I get one weekend every 8 weeks where my parents visit from Ireland and my mom really helps. We usually go out just the two of us for the day.

Really, its all on me, and bar moving countries and changing careers for DH, we cant fix it. I moved away from home in the first place because DH's qualifications werent recognised in Ireland. It was him or home, and I chose him. My inlaws arent much help, so they arent an option. It is what it is.

I'm a couple of weeks behind you and feeling similar. I was excited when I got a positive test and excited when I told my parents and made plans to tell the in-laws the same week but then social distancing happened closely followed by lockdown. We told my in-laws over the phone as we couldn't go and see them any more.

I loved my scan and seeing the little thing wriggle all over the place. I think I might have felt a flutter this afternoon which was cool.

But mostly I'm anxious, and afraid for the future and feel very alone. Really don't feel like I'm bonding even with the idea. With DS I was so excited and spent hours and hours making plans and researching what equipment to by and thinking of names and just generally being obsessed. We had an early scan, didn't feel like an option this time. My husband was at scans last time.

Everything is different.

I'm just sticking with it. I am sure I'll love the baby when they are here.

I felt like this, but I do love them both exactly the same. Did you get any help for your psychosis?

@Suzie6789 Your typos have really made me laugh.

I've now got 4 but I worried about this a lot between numbers 1 and 2...I found a little saying that has stayed with me...

Love doesn't divide it multiplies

It's true and has become my unofficial mummy motto - your heart grows an extra size every time a little soul comes into contact with it.

I was the same with my Ds. I loved that child from when I was first pregnant. When he was born, I just ‘knew’ him instantly. It was like I’d been waiting my whole life to be reunited with someone it was such a strange feeling. I’ve had this amazing connection with him since the second I saw him, still do 17 years later.

With Dd, I didn’t have that. When she was born there was no instant connection either. It took a few days to feel as thiuggg I loved her (don’t get me wrong, I’d have jumped in front of a bus for her the second she was born). It was just different. 6 years along I do love her, but it’s still a different connection to what I’ve always had with Ds. Not that I’d ever show it or say it. I love the bones of her and we have a wonderful relationship but it’s just different.

I’m pregnant again and this time I am slightly more connected but still not overwhelmingly. But I’m less worried this time as I know it’s perfectly normal.

In the nicest possible way - you really need to seek professional help with this. You had post-natal psychosis with your first, and your emotions at the moment sound very distressing and not very rational. I think you should talk to your GP and get referred to a psychiatrist (hopefully they should be willing to do this, especially with your history of post-natal psychosis).

I understand your feelings and I suffered from similar emotions myself when I was pregnant with DC2. I got referred to a psychiatrist and it was really helpful. I love DC2 just as much as DC1, and I'm sure you will love your DC2 just as much as your DC1. But right now I honestly think you need professional help to deal with your current emotional distress, to equip you for looking after the new baby, and to put you in a position where it is easier for you to access help this time round if you have any post-natal problems.

You don't need to suffer like this. There really is help out there, but sometimes you need to ask for it.

Sorry if this sounds silly but it could help. Try writing a letter (on paper) TO you, FROM your baby. Write it from the perspective of the baby about what they might hope for their future life and what kind of home they would like to grow up in. Or even what they would like to experience the first few weeks of their life. I imagine it would entail cuddles, kisses, happy voices, smiling faces, a warm cozy bed etc etc You can also write what they might worry about if you wish. Sometimes writing worry thoughts down and trying to approach things from an alternative perspective can help you feel happier. Good luck x

I was more attached to my first pregnancy, and then it took me some time to realise how much I loved him when he was actually here. Just had my second, I struggled more during pregnancy and called him an It up until I gate birth despite knowing his sex and having a name for him, but now he's here the love was instantaneous. I love my newborn because he's a tiny little person who needs me entirely, and I love my toddler because he makes me laugh and makes me proud every day kind of thing.

If anything I actually felt guilty that o struggled more with my first as a newborn and like I didn't show him as much love as the new baby is getting but I got over it after the first week.

I'd highly recommend The Second Baby book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

Oh of course you will adore this child! But you have a history of postnatal psychosis (I had this after DC2) and this can leave its mark. Talk to your midwife! Get all the support you can. You may have antenatal depression (which I had with DC2 but didn't recognise). Just get all the support you can right now. These are difficult times and this alone will affect how you're feeling. With DC3, I was really open about my mental health history with DC2 and got a lot of support.
Start making those phone calls (midwife and GP). Just knowing there's a hand to hold will help you feel so much better.

With DC2, I put on such a front, it was exhausting. I felt ashamed of my psychosis. I felt ashamed that I wasn't doing well as a mother after DC2. I felt ashamed of where my mind went. I was suicidal and psychotic. With DC3, I did the absolute opposite. By this time, I had become very honest with myself about my mental health. I 'owned it' I guess you could say. I was very open about my previous psychosis. No shame. I wanted to be mentally healthy and in order to do that, I had to lift the veil and quit pretending I wasn't vulnerable. I was very vulnerable going into my pregnancy with DC3. I had that history of postnatal psychosis and it was a shadow. I reached out for help, disclosed everything to the midwives.

This sounds really corny, but knowing your weakness/es gives you the strength to overcome it/them. You don't have to fight this or fear this by yourself. You just don't. There's support available. Look after yourself. Cherish yourself, OP. You will adore your baby. It's ok that you're not 'in the zone' right now. Don't worry about that. Worry about you and get all the help you need to feel better in yourself. and hugs.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with no2 after two miscarriages. This baby is incredibly wanted but I don't feel excited either. When I was pregnant with DS1 I bonded with him as soon as I found out I was pregnant, talked and sang to my bump, I loved being pregnant and when he was born despite an awful labour, I fell head over heels. This time I am stressing about how I'll juggle everything with a boisterous toddler, and feeling guilty it won't just be me and him anymore. I haven't had chance to speak to bump because I'm either running round after DS, working or sleeping. But I'm hoping they know that despite my fears I will love them just as much.

I think we all go through it, it's only natural. You should call your antenatal team and ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team, their support will be invaluable.

My MIL told me you don’t have a finite amount of lice to share, when you have another cold, it just doubles.

This, OP, should be your mantra!

Suzie6789 You win best typo award! I'd just stick this up on my mirror to cheer me up. This is brilliant.

I had ante natal depression with my 1st and 2d then severe one with my second. I also worried that I couldn’t possibly love anyone as much as I loved DC1. I couldn’t have been more wrong. As soon as DC2 arrived I knew that I loved them both infinitely. When DC3 arrived it there was even more love to go around! Wait until you see them interacting with one another and your heart will burst!

I was similar. DC2 was much wanted and actively tried for, but I didn't bond with him through the pregnancy at all. Mixture of hyperemesis and running after a 2 year old I suspect. With DC1 I felt I loved him from early on in the pregnancy. For the entire time all I could think of was this little baby inside me. I often forgot how many weeks I was with DC2 which would have been unheard of with DC1!

But I absolutely fell head over heels in love with him the night he was born. He totally took me by surprise. He was nothing like his brother (for some reason I just expected a second DC1 to pop out) and he's now 1 and the absolute apple of my eye!

In regards to your situation, I empathise with lack of help. DHs family live abroad and my all live far away. We get an afternoon to ourselves every 2-3 months when MIL visits and that's it. I hope you get the mental health care you need. I can imagine not working may have a significant impact on that too :(

I think most people feel like this. I certainly did, and worried just like you are. My mum said to me ‘love stretches’, and it’s amazing how it does.

Congratulations

I gave birth to a dc when I was 43.
26 years after my first..
Dc in between.
All loved so so much.
Love is endless op.