To worry I wont love second baby as much as first?

[SqidgeBum]

I am 15 weeks pregnant with DC2. On DC1 I was elated. The love I felt from the moment I saw her was overwhelming. I loved her from the moment my morning sickness stopped. However, with this one, I feel no excitement. Nothing. From the moment I found out all I have been feeling is fear and panic.

I have no family support bar DH who works 12 hour days (but when he is home he is amazing), my parents live abroad, my teaching career is now basically dead because I cant afford childcare for 2 kids under 3, and when they are in school I cant stay after work for meetings or extra roles because there is nobody to help pick them up, give them their dinner etc.

I had post natal psychosis on my first. I completely lost myself for about 6 months. I hated being a SAHM, but then I also ran myself into the ground trying to convince people I had it together because I didnt have any choice but to have it together. Nobody was going to help me if I crashed.

With this baby, I cant talk to it, I cant think about it, I just see its arrival as the end of my sanity, my happiness, my career, everything. I am terrified I wont love it.

You’ve had such a hard run of it with your first and now pregnant again at one of the scariest times it could have happened. Don’t give yourself such a hard time.
I’m 29 weeks with DS2 now and I’m even more excited than I was with DS1 because I know what’s coming. My heart can love more than I ever would have thought it had room for - as proven by my gorgeous sons birth.

Your heart has the room OP, I’m sure of it, and you will wonder why you ever doubted it

My experience was similar to Connie222
With my first I felt I knew and loved him before he was born. My second was more "a baby" and my love for him has grown day by day as I got to know him until I adored him - but this has happened over the first months and years (now 2 years). Just a perspective that if you don't feel an enormous/overwhelming rush of live don't panic - just care for your baby the best you can and grow to live them instead and you will get there.

Love for your children isn't divided, it is multiplied.

live = love!

You'll love them all in different ways. That first born love is different to the second and third but in no way butter. For instance my second is as mad as a box of frogs and I love him be wise of that. PFB is more serious and we have great chats.

I was very nonchalant about second DC when I was pregnant, it was 3/4 days later that I went to pieces absolutely terrified that I couldn't love two children equally. Milk coming in and hormones obviously had a big part to play but it was awful. But it's true what other people have said, love doesn't divide, it stretches and multiplies. You will be fine - there may be wobbles and it might not be plain sailing always, but you can love infinitely.

I think this a common fear ,you have one child that you love uncconditionally it seems impossible that you can love another child as much but you do ,my mum has a similar saying to previous posters ,she said you get a bucket of love for every child.

I never believed in my second. I felt no excitement, as he never seemed real. Then, when he was born, he could have been anyone’s baby - I hardly recognised him as my own. He was nice enough, but I had no deep feelings for him. But our bond grew and developed over time, and by around 6 months we were utterly inseparable. Still are.

I worried about the fact I couldn’t love another baby as much as I did DC1. As soon as DC2 was born, I had an immediate bond and she was absolutely the (other) best baby ever!

Honestly, thank you so much. I thought I had problems worrying like this. Its clearly a very common situation. And as many of you have said, this is hardly a time of excitement in the world in general. Its a scary time without throwing a baby in the mix.

I will try to go easier on myself. From reading all your responses I can see that the love will come. DC2s seem to be very different from the euphoria and naivety of DC1s.

Thank you.

I couldn't imagine feeling the same overwhelming love I had for my first when I was pregnant with my second. My sister's and friends all reassured me they all worried about that too but you just do.

In my case the bonding was instant with the second because I was an experienced mum. With my first I think I was in shock for the first few days.

Ah don't worry OP. Babies bring the love with them when they come.

Ha - I adored my DS1 - loved him to the moon and back - so so much - I dreaded that second baby - how could I ever love another with such force. But ....... I did - I didn’t have to share the love , it doubled , and tripled again with DC 3!

After severe sickness, threatened losses and a loss, i think i went into survival mode with one dc. Nothing much in pregnancy but so much love at birth. With another it was the other way around, so much love in pregnancy but with a traumatic birth i went into survival mode again and felt nothing.

Definitely seek support. It made all the difference in my latest pregnancy.

I love all my dc equally but the baby is obviously throwing up even more instinctive protectiveness as they are so tiny.

YABU and YANBU
You will love the baby as much, possibly/probably more.
But YANBU to feel like this, as I think we all did at some point.

My last comment wasnt meant to imply theres a favourite child 🙈

I had exactly the same worries as you OP. For me, the love I had for my first child was instant. I knew we were meant to be together the minute that I held her. The love for my second grew over time, as I was trying to adjust to loving two children instead of one. I love both of my children equally, but the love is different somehow.

Maybe you're not letting yourself because you're worried? I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder, I did but it was a needless concern. :)

Off course you worry. Espcially with your husbands crazy work hours. And no family and your career being the way it is...
Plus:1 kid is a breeze. 2 under the age of 3 is hectic. So you probably just worry. Not about loving your kid the same. But for your life never being the same. And it won't. But I guess you made the choice to have 2 kids and now will just have to make it work. All the bad but also all the good. It will be OK. Just really tough. But this has nothing to do with loving your kid more or less. You may find your love will grow a bit more slower with the second because this one will throw your life upside down. And I can imagine in your situation you will def sometimes feel like 'what have I done'. But life goes on. Love goes on. And you are not the only one feeling the way you do or dealing with the situation you are in.

Try to find the light in it all.

Like every one else said, the love just springs up like a wee flower. I was the other way round from you though. My first pregnancy was an unsupported nightmare of hyperemesis, SPD and pre natal depression. I had a pretty tough time actually giving birth. I was a bit wrecked mentally and emotionally. Being honest I don't think I felt 'love' right at the start. Its sort of gradually snuck up on me. Today, I love the wee, skinny maniac with every bit of me, fiercely, proudly, from the top of his lockdown hair cut to the soles of his wee feet.
When I had my 2nd I was frightened I wouldn't be able to do it again but I did and the depth of love I have for the both of them is awesome.
Thanks for letting me talk about this, it was a bit of a journey but we made it and its wonderful. You will make it too and when you get there it will be lovely. Be kind to yourself x

I’ve just had number 3 (on Sunday) and she has been by far the easiest to bond with of the three after birth although the hardest to bond with during pregnancy (stressful job, lockdown, COVID etc). My first two had tongue ties and were awful feeders, I spend most nights in the early days crying in frustration - this little one is an excellent feeder.