What is the come back to...

[Swan2019]

‘I pay all the bills’ ...?

Husband is working from home. High stress, high paid job. Working normal office hours.

I am taking care of our three very young children (youngest 6 months). High stress. stat mat pay. No break for the past eight weeks.

Whenever we have an argument about him ‘helping me’ with the children (who are also HIS children...) all I get back is ‘I pay all the bills!’ As in, that’s his job and the children are my job. He never asks me for help with paying a gas bill, so why should I ask him for help putting the children to bed.
It’s driving me crazy.
There must be a better comeback than ‘you’re a dick!’ Or AIBU? Should I not be asking or expecting him to help me?

Thoughts?!

"We can swap at any point, just say the word"

We can’t. He earns ten times what I earn sadly.

You don’t work 24/7 so why should I?

"I want a divorce" is the only comeback needed. What an insufferable, misogynistic, selfish arsehole. He couldn't have less respect for you if he tried.

Your comeback is divorce, because you're in for a miserable life with this man.
He doesn't value you, or seem to particularly like his own children. Life's too short to spend with an arsehole.

What @missyB1 said. 24/7 childcare would require 4 full time nannies to cover. He expects you to do that alone.

"and if you push me to the point of divorcing your chauvinistic arse you'll still be paying all my bills, but I won't be cleaning your house or cooking your meals".

It is fair that he works eight hours and work eight hours caring for the children. Outside of “work hours” it’s even. You did your eight hours of solo child care just like he did his eight hours of work.

Calculate how much it would cost to have the children in childcare.
Do this as if you are working say 40 hours plus commute, then do it again for how many hours you are actually working to look after them.
Calculate how much it would cost for other tasks you complete e.g. cleaning.

Total it all up

Sit him down and say yes I appreciate you work hard, however your job is x hours a week, mine is y hours per week. In order for us to be able to live the life we have ... this is what I do. Please help me find a balance because this isn't working for me.

If he still doesn't get it I'm afraid you married the wrong man and you have decide your future.

You work 40 hours per week to pay the bills, I work 112 hours per week looking after the house and children.

I'll happily do everything while you're working, but when you stop working it should be 50/50.

Give him a 24/7 childcare bill...

@ToTrueToBeGood yours is my favourite come back 👍

Ask him to start paying you a childcare salary.

Once the children are in school or childcare I would get a job. Then he is responsible for 50% of home childcare and housework. It's also very useful if you decide to kick his sorry arse out of the door.

Yeah, the comeback is:
if I wanted to marry someone just for the money I would have picked someone who could afford a nanny and a cleaner.
If he has mistaken you for either of these he can start paying some wages...
oh and nannies and cleaners time after hours is their own.

@RainMustFall I do have a job. It just doesn’t pay anywhere near as much as his. I’m on maternity leave at the moment. We have this argument regardless of me working or not though...

if I wanted to marry someone just for the money I would have picked someone who could afford a nanny and a cleaner.

^^this

I'm not sure there really is a 'comeback' to that. Is he always like this, or is he particularly stressed because his company could go under/he worries for his job etc.?

I personally find it quite grating when SAHPs complain that their partners aren't doing anything to 'help' whilst WFH in lockdown. But that ends at the end of the work day, at which point everything should become 50/50, or even slightly tilted towards him on the children front since you've had them all day.

"why does everything have to have a monetary value with you?"

Divorce.
I couldn't be married to such a misogynistic twat.

Unfortunately, I really think a divorce might be the way forward.

Many years ago, this was me. I did absolutely EVERYTHING. Didn't complain at first, when I was younger I honestly thought this was my lot, woman at home looking after the children. It was the model my parents gave me, I had no other model. As I matured I realised it wasn't on, the children were his children too, I did absolutely everything, got no thanks, only criticism, he got to come and go as he pleased....

I started to ask him to help, he was either angry or had an excuse. One day I was absolutely past it, ill, children needed help (one had special needs) and I needed some support. Went to find DH. He was sitting at his desk, looked up and just said "but I keep the roof over our heads" and that was it.

I walked away. At the time I didn't want to, and felt perhaps I'd failed. But once I'd sorted myself out I realised I have never been happier than since I left the marriage, and wonder why I put up with it so long....I should have gone much sooner....

Ask him how much his last childcare bill was?
Or which half of the week he wants 24/7 sole care of his DC if you separate because of his attitude?

If he earns 10x what you do, he must be on a fair whack. Why don't you go back to work and then you can pay for the childcare out of the family pot (assuming there is one) and share the childcare when you're both not working.