AIBU: "It's your baby, you can do what you want."

[Lelophants]

Is this an entitled thing with us brits? I've seen so many posts about people who either think this (or argue against people who think this). I also had a conversation with a health visitor recently. I 100% listened to her but even she said "you don't have to listen to me though, you can do what you want with your child". "No! I most definitely should not!"

Weaning at 14 weeks, putting your tiny baby in a forward facing car seat, putting them in their own room on their front at 5 days old and letting them cry it out until they're vomiting (I don't agree with CIO ever but even American doctors argue it's unsafe before 6 months old!) All of this isn't "it's your baby, you can do what you want."

If there is actual health and medical advice saying you do these things and you will DAMAGE your child in any way, it's not up to you to decide whether to do it or not! You are responsible for their welfare, you don't own them and have your fun picking and choosing when to care for them properly. There's a difference.

(Adoptive parents go through so much and yet if you can have sex and have a baby it's like you can do whatever you want to them! Awful).

Gosh @sqirrelfriends isn’t that uncanny and aren’t you lovely for wanting your child to have the best outcome. Not like all these bad formula feeding, weaning big hungry babies before 6 months mothers.

What sort of research do you do?

@CayrolBaaaskin

There's a difference between parenting styles and abuse/neglect. The later is always wrong but the former change, professional opinions change and rarely is there a 100% consensus eg some medically trained people advocate for crying it out from very young and don't think putting baby in the nursery is an issue if you have a monitor. Personally I bedshared, breastfed, used cloth nappies and stayed home with them full time until the youngest was in school but plenty of people would disagree with my parenting style - my now dp is pretty bemused! (my kids are adults now). My cousin put her kids in the nursery from coming home from hospital, they slept through the night at 8 weeks (mine rarely achieved this before attending school) they are also healthy grown adults.

@CayrolBaaaskin I'm only stating that I made my decisions independently of what the health visitor advised but it still followed official guidance as it made amends to me to do so.

I did research (mainly online, speaking to other mums, HV etc.) before I made parenting decisions- advice has changed a lot since I was a baby and I wanted to know the pros and cons instead of just doing what my mother did with me, I'm sorry that offensive to you but that was my decision and it's worked out well. I did actually wean DS a few weeks early as he was showing all the signs of being ready, so I'm not 100% by the book.

• made sense

As a first time mum I was so overwhelmed with all the 'rules' surrounding caring for newborns and babies I was scared to do anything with my son for fear of getting it wrong.

As long as people are making safe and healthy decisions for their baby, its no concern of mine. I havent gone along with all the guidelines for my baby, but i have done research and made safe, informed choices.

I also think theres a lot of judgement surrounding parenting choices from other parents, which gets on my nerves. This thread is an example of that.

medical research always has counter arguments. Yes, there is lots of research to back up health visitors suggestions but children are not a one size fit all.
What was relevant and up to date in 60s is not accurate or safe today and in a few years time we'll learn more to benefit our children.
Making an informed decision about your family's welfare is always the best way forward.

This is what I'm talking about. The people on this thread who are angry seem to think I'm saying people can't make informed decisions on things where they do have evidence and research straight away. Some things, such as controlled crying before 6 months, forward facing carseats, weaning before a certain age (and I'm talking ridiculously young here) DO have strong research to suggest damage to child. It's like running in front of a car. Yes many of you will survive, some will not. Doesn't make it safe.

It's parents who just do things because they want to despite KNOWING it's unsafe.

We're all saying the same thing right?!

But many things have counter arguments, I agree.

To some it all up, "it's your baby, you can do what you want" isn't as black and white as it looks.

Apart from on some points!

I had five.

With the first I was very much 'I know my baby, I will do what I think is right' and I read all the books and weighed up advice and was very forthright about how I wanted things to be (I was breastfeeding but he cried a lot. HV suggested giving him bottles, I refused and continued with a crying baby...)

By number five I'd pretty much have handed her over to anyone. She was largely brought up by her brothers and sisters as I physically didn't have time to do much more than feed and change her.

They all seem to have turned out all right. Having a lot of children puts quite a bit of advice into perspective.

@Lelophants that's what I'm saying, I made have been a bit clumsy in making my point though.

Some people will make the decisions they want to make, despite all the evidence in the world that it could be harmful (like with FF car seats) as they're ok with the risk - I don't agree but its not really any of my business. Also, some decisions which may not be harmful to one baby, could be harmful to another, parents have to weigh up the risks.

I think it should definitely be up to a parent to decide how they raise their child but it wouldn't hurt in some situations for HV's to push parents in the right direction - my cousins toddler has a rotten tooth, her HV said diluted squash was ok as she didn't like water but never said anything about not going to bed with it.

the advice changes literally all the time any way so it's very difficult to follow the exact advice given for every single child?

I don't believe any parent deliberately makes any choice that they know is dangerous. Parents may make choices against current advice but that doesn't make them maniacs.

Well, a few years ago it was claimed that "Britain has had enough of experts".
In addition, now people seems to believe that doing research is checking the first bunch of pages that appear on Google (Science Direct, peer reviewed articles, what is all of that?).
That combined with inherent misinterpretation of risks, statistics, scientific research methods and lower infant mortality rates explain the current situation and statements like "cosleeping is completely safe". No, it's not. Not even babies sleeping on their backs in their cribs are 100% safe from SID.
I remember a recent thread about cosleeping. There were comments like "many cultures around the world and mammals cosleep with their babies and nothing happens". Then a lady said that she was from "one of those cultures" and that "babies do die". It didn't change a thing and people kept saying that it was "safe" and "do your own research". Risk assessment, what is that?

Health advice is just that. I can give you information, tell you about risks, show you credible research etc etc but I am not the state police and cannot act unless there is a child protection issue. Parents make their own risk assessment, often badly. There are many people who dont engage with health professionals because they see them as people who will tell thaem what to do, the rhetoric about saying You make your own choices is trying to work with that negativity

I think some people can be a bit tunnel vision and can't think outside the box about why others may do things differently despite what the fact says.

Parenting views do change the more you have in my opinion

My son's father used to feed him food which was unsafe in terms of a severe allergy that the boy had. I was terrified every time he went to stay with him. The family court weren't in the least bit concerned, even when ds had a couple of reactions. They said that nothing could be done unless he ended up in hospital - and potentially dead, in which case it would be a moot point as there would no longer be a child to worry about.

Parents are at liberty to do all manner of harmful things to their children.

What's the benefit of shoving them in their own room at 5 weeks?

At eight weeks my baby was getting too long for the moses basket, and our room was too small to fit a cot in, so we had to move her into a cot in another room. Nothing to do with me just doing it because I wanted to (I didn't) but to do with room dimensions.

With my second the hv made a referral to ss about my parenting as when she visited ds asleep on the floor on his front (he was about 4/5 months old). She was horrified
I explained that he had horrific reflux, screamed for hours and she didn’t seem to care. He had fallen asleep in his play at that day during tummy time just before she arrived and I hadn’t left his side !

Playmat

My daughter went in her own room pretty quickly, she was a very noisy sleeper, however I then ended p co sleeping so wan,t much point in the move.

Parenting isnt purely about only meeting one babys needs. Its about balancing needs of the mother/family too, so its a bit ridiculous to paint weaning at 14 weeks or putting a baby in its own room as actively harmful.
I think that health visitor sounds like she is trying to empower the new mother