AIBU: "It's your baby, you can do what you want."

[Lelophants]

Is this an entitled thing with us brits? I've seen so many posts about people who either think this (or argue against people who think this). I also had a conversation with a health visitor recently. I 100% listened to her but even she said "you don't have to listen to me though, you can do what you want with your child". "No! I most definitely should not!"

Weaning at 14 weeks, putting your tiny baby in a forward facing car seat, putting them in their own room on their front at 5 days old and letting them cry it out until they're vomiting (I don't agree with CIO ever but even American doctors argue it's unsafe before 6 months old!) All of this isn't "it's your baby, you can do what you want."

If there is actual health and medical advice saying you do these things and you will DAMAGE your child in any way, it's not up to you to decide whether to do it or not! You are responsible for their welfare, you don't own them and have your fun picking and choosing when to care for them properly. There's a difference.

(Adoptive parents go through so much and yet if you can have sex and have a baby it's like you can do whatever you want to them! Awful).

Exactly as whenwillthisbeover says.

Current guidance is to wean at 6 months. Our little whopper (who has always had a big milk appetite) was climbing the walls at 4 months and I have never seen a child lunge at a spoon of puree as he did at just over 17 weeks.

I know what you mean but there does have to be a fair breadth of individual judgement.

Sometimes the rules can contradict each other and you have to work out the lowest risk option. For example I had a baby who after the 4 month regression wouldn't sleep away from me. I couldn't follow the guidance to put her down alone on her back because she wouldn't sleep. Eventually I started to struggle to keep my eyes open but cosleeping is dangerous but CIO is cruel and yet accidentally falling asleep holding a baby is also dangerous. I had no choice but to risk going against something.

Advice was very different when I had my baby, but I weaned him at ten weeks because he was obviously hungry. A lot of the guidance these days seems to be geared towards getting parents to spend more money. Children are out of nappies much later, most were trained by about 2 1/2 yrs back then. And what the hell is follow on milk? The day mine was 6 months he was on cow's milk in a cup. Parents these days must spend a fortune on such shite, probably pushed on those issuing advice by the companies making it.

OP, I get where you're coming from, and there is often some disastrous "It's your baby, do it!" advice online (MN tends to be quite sensible I think, though I stay away from the weaning boards and try to never dip a toe (or a nipple) into any breast/bottle feed threads because they always descend into shouting, but think about how mandating rules would actually work—

What if someone in power was from the militant "breast is best" crew and said what you're saying, that even though it's your baby, you can't decide? Establishing breastfeeding is REALLY tough and if you have trouble it only comes good, imo, if you have a very supportive partner and, frankly, cash for a lactation consultant. But what if the government mandates every woman must breastfeed for X number of weeks?

What if dummies were banned, or women were forbidden to cosleep even when their demon child adorable toddler still wakes up 8,000 times a night, or someone retro arrived in cabinet to say, actually, scratch the six months thing and you MUST traditional wean at 12 weeks, no BLW.

Motherhood is about choices, and the worst part of motherhood is people side-eyeing those choices because it's not what they would do. I had a crap start with DD until I decided I was happy cosleeping, and carrying her round in the sling almost permanently; and a lot of my misery could be blamed on NCT bitches telling me they would never use a sling, or mad old coots in the park judging it, or ancient aunties querying why I wasn't shoving rusks down her gob at eight weeks.

Do what you want, be sensible, understand the risks and guidance, keep your beak out, secretly judge if that floats your boat but keep it to yourself, most children turn out more or less OK whether you're a pouch person or BLW, Moses basket or bed, boob or bottle, dummy or not.

We live in a society with a massive sense of entitlement and possession driven. Sadly it extend to children.

I've never considered my kids as my possessions. I saw myself gifted with a responsibility to give the best to my kids even if the best has meant at times not following what was best for me and accepting that other people had a lot to give them too if not as much.

I don't agree at all that mum is always best. My kids have greatly benefited from being cared by people very different to me. I also let them build bond with a couple of family who had been terrible with me but who my kids had aright to bond with and indeed, their relationship was very different to mine with them.

Of course safety comes first whether if it means mum or professional knows best, but it saddens me to see kids whose mum sees to only see them as her possession very much like handbags rather then the individual brings they are.

A lot of the guidance these days seems to be geared towards getting parents to spend more money. Children are out of nappies much later, most were trained by about 2 1/2 yrs back then. And what the hell is follow on milk?

2 - 2 2/2 is still the recommended age and follow on milk is not recommended. What guidance are you referring to? @caringdenise009

Idk, MIL has been living with us and our 8 week old since lockdown started. She is a highly educated and capable lady who is great with DS.

She’s made a few comments now along the lines of ‘I’m surprised any babies survived the 80‘s’ because she raised DH and siblings then and the advice was often the complete opposite of what it is now. They were all weaning WAY before 6 months and slept in their own rooms often on their fronts. No vitamins, hardly any of the safety precautions we have now and in fairness they’re all perfectly healthy adults.

MIL encourages me to follow all the current advice but does add ‘by the time they’re having kids the advice will be totally different again and their upbringing will sound like abuse’

I think it is up to the parent, just because they don't follow the guidelines doesn't mean they are harming them. Every family is different and ultimately everyone is trying to do the best for their child.

My daughter went in her own room at 6 weeks and had a forward facing car seat, we knew about the guidelines but made a decision as her parents.

I couldn't be that worried about what other people do with their children as it's not my problem and I've got enough to think about.

To say flippant things like ‘I was out to sleep on my front and I’m fine!’ or my kids are or whatever is just ignoring the fact that the reason we have guidance such as babies sleeping on their backs is because babies DID die. Not just one or two but thousands. Maybe not yours, but someone’s. We can only do the best we can do with what we know now.

I have no issues with dummies, bedsharing, formula, in fact I like all of these things ànd agree with logic and reasoning they can all be great for child's health. Weaning a few weeks early I agree is no big deal. In fact I despise the baby led weaning groups that say they need to start 6 month birthday on the dot, not a day before (ds had well over readiness signs by 5 and a half months btw and we were advised by 3 professionas to start early!) You then get loads of babies starting 6 months on the dot who are clearly not ready, which drives me a bit nuts.

However, a lot of babies actually died in the 80s and 90s. A lot of us also have terrible stomach problems. So ignoring that advice for purely boredom or stubborn reasons is awful.

@CountryCasual My mum says exactly the same thing; she basically now assumes that she should do the opposite of what she was told to do when I was a baby!

I think you have to be far more nuanced when it comes to most decisions about babies. Is it better for a baby to sleep on their front if that's the only way you or they will get any sleep or for you to continually try to force them to sleep on their back until you (and they!) are so sleep deprived that it's dangerous to make a cup of tea? Realistically, the vast majority of babies survive even the most stupid of parenting. Obviously abuse is a whole different matter.

I don't think it's about "doing what I want with my baby" but rather "doing what I feel is right for my baby in this situation".

My friend's baby had bad reflux and her GP advised her to put her baby to sleep on her side, whereas my baby didn't have bad reflux, I had no need to put him to sleep on his side so I carried on putting him on his back as per the guidelines, because I believed those guidelines were correct.

I couldn't have held off weaning until 6 months with DS, they were around 5 and half months, yet my friend's DD showed now interest until nearly 7months, so friend held off until then. I do not believe either of us were in the wrong, we just do what we felt was right at the time for our babies.

Well, it is their choice. It doesn't really matter if the majority of people think it's a bad choice unless it's causing harm to the child.
Unless people are actually causing harm to the child, there is fuck all that can be done. People make decisions for their children all the time. Some of them people may think are unwise/against guidance.

Last thought I'd that mental health of the mother is too often discounted as unimportant or a selfish consideration when actually, you could follow the perfect nutrition and sleep hygiene plans (were there any such thing) but if your primary caregiver is miserable I'd say that's going to impact on you significantly too. Everything's a balance.

Your health visor sounds realistic.

They have the guidelines they have to give out but realistically they are just guidelines and people will do as they feel is right. Far better to have a health visitor who you feel comfortable bringing up early weaning or co sleeping with if you are unsure than one who you know will just repeat the guidelines at you so you don’t bother to ask advice.

There are things I don’t like seeing people do with small babies, I am firmly in the rear facing. co sleeping, no crying it out camp but I also realise my way is not the only way to raise a child.

To bring it back to your HV, it's not in their interests to come over as judgemental as that just puts people off being honest with them. Saying "your baby your choice" might reassure some people enough to reveal that they're doing something ill advised (like very early weaning) which then gives the HV an opening to gently share some of the risks that they might not know about. The last time I saw my HV I told her I was still breastfeeding my 18 month old and she was sooooo judgemental. Went on about how it would ruin her sleep and stop her from eating properly - neither of which are things I have any concerns about as my DD sleeps and eats just fine. But I immediately made a mental list of other things not to tell her about, like that we are a vegan family (well, the kids eat mostly vegan but not 100%) and that we bedshare. Now, I don't think there was anything she could have told me on these subjects that would have been helpful, as I know how to bedshare safely and how to provide a balanced vegan diet. But if there had been anything I didn't know, like advice on supplements or whatever, then I still wouldn't know it because her judgemental attitude put me off being open with her so she missed out on getting that information about our lives.

However, a lot of babies actually died in the 80s and 90s. A lot of us also have terrible stomach problems. So ignoring that advice for purely boredom or stubborn reasons is awful.

Otoh, infant death rate is higher in UK than in Sweden where weaning advice has remained 4-6 months rather than 6. So how would I have explained to Swedish relatives that UK advice must be right?

And there are also studies suggesting babies weaned later might be more prone to allergies. So it's not cut and dried. Very few things are.

Since having babies I have become a lot more sceptical about official “advice”. There are so many rules about things which are Unlikely to do your baby any harm. And them shaming of the mothers who do it differently.

Think of how differently we are with our second v our first. We learn how to o do it our way and that’s fine imo (obviously excluding abuse or neglect).

There’s no way I would have waited till 6 months to wean dd2. She was a bit baby and wanted to eat (and had teeth) at 4 months

A one size fits all approach is out of fashion as all children are little individuals.
Keeping my lip buttoned as my sister would allow her finicky over food children to crunch their way through a huge bag of dry pasta took some doing . But hey - they were her kids .

Actually follow on milk is another bee in my bonnet. The official NHS position is it’s not recommended after 1 year. Instead you’re supposed to give your kid cows milk and vitamins when they’re used to drinking formula. formula is most nutritious drink my very headstrong and fussy toddlers had but was the only thing I was criticized for giving them. It’s ridiculous and dogma based.

@Majorcollywobble - I used to eat dry pasta as a kid! No idea why but I loved it. I wouldn’t allow dds tho.

Health visitors don't just see nice families with no issues, they see kids in all sort of chaotic environments so as far as there concerned as long as the child is safe, loved and fed then they don't really care about the other choices we make.

Personally, I want my child to have the best outcome he possibly can so I do my research and make decisions based on what I think would be best for him, this is pretty much always in line with NHS advice.

There is a big difference between parenting styles and neglect/abuse.

You are responsible to keep your child safe. Things such as breast vs bottle and appropriate safe controlled crying are parenting choices that people have different opinions on but ultimately don't harm the baby. And yes I do think there is far too much judgement and superiority surrounding these debates. For things like this I do believe we should each do what suits our family best and it's nobody elses business.

If it comes to unsafe practice like unsuitable car seats, weaning months too early and so on then I probably would have an opinion on that because it's potentially harmful to the baby.

I don't agree with gender stereotypes or racism or Tory politics but how can you stop other people enforcing their views and beliefs on their kids? It's the world we live in.