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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how often you have sex

39 replies

Needtosleep4days · 12/05/2020 13:57

I don't mean this in a weirdo way. Me and oh have been through months now without it. We actually love eachother and get on really well. But the kids are poor sleepers. We were starting to get them into a routine and then this happened. Now they seem to wake up in the night. Take forever to sleep. I'm always worried one will walk in on us. It's just hard to relax.

I'm not asking for any advice on bedtime. I'm asking you how you find the time for passion. I'm aware we need to "get back into it" I just have forgotten how Blush

OP posts:
yelyah22 · 12/05/2020 14:08

In your case, I'd have a very honest conversation about what your options are - schedule in regular babysitting nights (when lockdown is over)? Are there are times when both children are napping if younger, or out at clubs if older (again, post-lockdown)? Can you agree to have a couple of nights a week where you go to bed early OR mornings where you set your alarm extra early - not necessarily definitely scheduling sex, but giving yourselves the time to if you want to and if not it's just time to be generally intimate and keep the spark there? Are the kids young enough for baby monitors, or old enough that you could lock your door for a quickie occasionally and unlock after?

We (OH and I) are at about every 3-4 weeks at the moment, but we don't have kids and it's because one of us has MH issues that lower sex drive. We've talked about it a LOT, and we make an effort to maintain intimacy if not sex - making sure we have time just to snuggle up in bed together and chill out and talk etc, so we don't feel like the emotional and physical closeness is missing even if sex itself isn't happening.

Windyatthebeach · 12/05/2020 14:09

We have a little block of wood for under the door for such rare occasions!!
Wink

Original poster
Needtosleep4days · 12/05/2020 14:14

Hi thank you. There are no options for babysitting. We don't have the family support and our friends have kids, hobbies etc at the weekends.

They are 5 and 2. The toddler will nap. Evenings are ideally when id like us to have time to be closer. I'm not a morning person really with sex etc.

I just don't no how to approach it. He will give me a cuddle or flirt with me in the kitchen lol. Its just got to the point where we don't schedule it in. I definitely want to try! I just need to tire the kids out and put something againts the door. It's hard to relax knowing a child is likely to pop in.

I have had some troubles with the mini pill this year. I bled for weeks so that's not helped. I just wish I could focus on us for an evening and truly relax!

Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Fluffybutter · 12/05/2020 14:14

Dd is going to bed later but has always slept well and dh and I are finding we aren’t sleeping too well so always find the time around 11pm once we know dd is fast asleep so usually around 2-3 times a week .
Was much less before I stopped taking the pill and moved to another contraceptive method

Original poster
Needtosleep4days · 12/05/2020 14:15

@Windyatthebeach haha brilliant. How are are your occasions Hmm

I am starting to feel like a nun lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Needtosleep4days · 12/05/2020 14:17

@Fluffybutter wow 3-4 times! That's how it should be shouldn't it? I really want to get back to being more than just a mum. The kids have taken up so much time. But then I'm also guilty of feeling tired and falling asleep by 1O

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 12/05/2020 14:17

Dh would happily every day - usually once a week at least. We have a dpuppy that is killing our sleep!!
Thought we were past that stage!!
Grin

Lifeisconfusing · 12/05/2020 14:20

Having a teenager is worse as they are more aware and stay up very late 😏

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 14:22

I've got a 5 month old and as I spent many years having fertility treatment, I find it hard to enjoy it as normal, without it being about TTC. I think it's ruined it for me. Sad

Original poster
Needtosleep4days · 12/05/2020 14:27

Kids basically kill the passion at all ages then. We had sex on the sofa last time but it's not the same as being in bed and able to fall asleep together afterwards. I also never had sex when I was pregnant so I feel for three years now we've barely had sex. Maybe 6 times. That's actually awful isn't it! It's purely because life has been so busy.

When we do have sex i always think we should do this more. But life just gets in the way. I envy people who do it several times a week.

OP posts:
brentwoodbaby · 12/05/2020 14:29

We have a teenager and a toddler in the house.... Hmm

Lockdown has been particularly bad as both kids are always here and DD1 is going to bed later as no school commute...

Fluffybutter · 12/05/2020 14:30

@Needtosleep4days 2-3 ,I’m not a sex maniac Grin
It is only a very recent thing though after feeling absolutely devoid of any sexual urge for about 10 years due to the pill .
It has improved our marriage though and my mental health of I’m honest as I was deflecting,massively .
Dd is also older than your children so probably much easier !
Good luck !

Fluffybutter · 12/05/2020 14:32

Oh and we live in a town house so dd’s bedroom is down quite a long hall and the teen is on another floor .. that helps massively !

DuploTower · 12/05/2020 14:33

I'd be happy if I never had set again anyway. I don't have time. I just want to read my book or mindlessly scroll through shit online. It's just another thing that appears on the top of my to do list.

Maybelatte · 12/05/2020 14:35

3-4 times a week on average, some weeks more and some less. Older DC have slept through for many years and the youngest is a pretty good sleeper.

We take it when we can get it though, I wouldn’t dismiss morning sex if it was the only opportunity. If we went months without sex I’d be worried about our marriage.

Lailaloo747 · 12/05/2020 14:36

Probably 5/6 times a week. We have 4 DC at home now all over 10 years old. Our bedroom is the extension part of the house and they never venture down that way so no worry about them walking in!

Curiosity101 · 12/05/2020 14:38

Can you get a little bolt/lock for your room? Mount it high on the doorframe so the kids can't accidentally lock it but it's there for extra privacy?

Also, if I asked you when the kids are likely to be asleep would some specific times come to mind? It doesn't matter if you do schedule yourselves into those times, but they probably exist and it'd probably be useful for you to both know of a 'good' time. That way if the mood takes you during that time then you both know it's a good time to go for it Smile

Also...
wow 3-4 times! That's how it should be shouldn't it?
Maybe 6 times. That's actually awful isn't it!

Try not to judge yourselves by other people. Work out what the right amount is for you both as a couple and aim for that.

Lifeaback · 12/05/2020 14:40

Before lockdown it was about 2 times a week but during lockdown we’re staying up later and it’s went up to 3-4 times a week Blush. I have (and have always had) a very high sex drive, and we’re incredibly luck to have 4 really good sleepers who very very rarely wake during the night. Similar to @Fluffybutter our bedroom is on the opposite side of the house to the kids rooms, and we have old wooden floorboards so it’s quite easy to hear when any of the kids are out of bed.

Dangermouse80 · 12/05/2020 14:40

Couple of times a month. 3 young kids who are up till 9pm now it is light in the evening! We normally work opposite shifts so get rare evenings together.
Being at home with the kids 24/7 definitely means come bedtime I'm all about watching the tv and having some food!! My only tip is stay downstairs - I can't relax being that close to them when they still occasionally wake up!
Ps. I was the same in pregnancy that we didn't have sex (high risk and lost all urge and was the same whilst breastfeeding till 6/8 months). Think it is just a stage of life with hectic schedules!

Curiosity101 · 12/05/2020 14:41

Sorry, some of my post didn't make much sense...

Also, if I asked you when the kids are likely to be asleep would some specific times come to mind?

Should be...

Also, if I asked you "When are the kids likely to both be asleep", would some specific times come to mind?

Noti23 · 12/05/2020 14:42

Probably once a week. I haven’t felt like having sex since I’ve had the implant but I make an effort. We have once dc (17 months) and he sleeps well now but was up most of the night until 14 months. I think not having sex became our new normal and then we had to push ourselves to get back into it.

KindnessCrusader · 12/05/2020 14:45

I'm recovering from Covid so nothing for the last 12 days! Usually we have sex or at least sexual contact (what a phrase Grin) every day. We've got 4 kids. That's probably why we've got 4 kids Grin

Samtsirch · 12/05/2020 14:47

About 3-4 times each month, but sometimes less, rarely more!
Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and can’t be bothered, but every time we “ make the effort “ lol, we always say “ we should definitely do that more often “
Then it just goes back to the normal amount though 😀

MizMoonshine · 12/05/2020 14:51

Most nights.
Kiddo has a bed time, he's in bed by the bedtime even if he's not sleeping. The door is closed, the covers are on, if he walks in then excuses can be made.
It really is about making it work.

Rosebel · 12/05/2020 15:09

Usually every day but since I've got pregnant this time sex has been painful so it's been a while. Are you both working? I'm just thinking from tomorrow you can take unlimited exercise, so if you have time you could take the children out for a long walk/ bike ride. If they're tired out it might give you the chance to have sex with your partner. Or could you stick a DVD on for your eldest while your youngest naps?
Or as someone said get a lock for your door.