Can we can split "amicably" while all still living together?

[Mothermusings11]

Really need advice. It's definitely over. He has very deep rooted issues, we have 2 young DC together. He is working full time from home these days and I have suggested that while he is working weekdays, he keeps his distance from me and the DC as he would if he were in the office until evening time, and on weekends either Sat or Sun he can look after them by himself (he has never done this eye roll) and I will busy myself with other things. DC are too young to even notice any difference (toddler and baby), but obviously before I get bashed I am well aware that I need to limit damage, that's what I'm trying to do.

He says he cannot leave at the moment with everything that's going on. He also has absolutely nowhere to go, so will eventually end up in a b&b or something I'm guessing. I'm in a vulnerable position financially because I'm currently on unpaid maternity leave which is due to end in a couple of weeks, but I can't return to work as there is no childcare open. He earns very well and we live comfortably off his salary alone, but money is not enough to keep me in this relationship.

I don't earn nearly enough to cover the mortgage and childcare anyway, so he will be paying significant maintenance, which he acknowledges. That part is very painful for me as I have worked since I was a teenager, always paid my own way, but had to compromise hugely when I became pregnant with DD1 at 26. Stayed in a job with a very average wage and no progression.

Am I unreasonable to think this is a viable way for us to live until he can move out and we can sort finances? I have a very good, supportive family who I know would help me out in these circumstances, but they have no idea whatsoever that I am so unhappy, the thought of even telling them is so painful.

Whether it's viable or not will depend on your personalities. In theory, yes, but you both need to respect eachother and find a way to work together to make it work. Only you know whether that's likely.

I know people who've lived "together but apart" for years, even to the extent of having other partners, but they were all well adjusted people without underlying issues, and stayed living together either for financial reasons or for the sake of the kids.

Obviously, in more volatile relationships or where one party or both have "issues", then it's not going to work.

I don’t think it will work. It didn’t for me, but then exh is a hugely difficult person whose narcissism was a big cause of the split.

You don’t say if you’re married - this would make a different to the financial arrangements you envisage.

But @user1497207191 is it a well-adjusted thing to do though, really? I mean surely it's unhealthy to say the least, and the kids will pick up on these things when they are a little older. That's my worry.

@Stannis we are not married, no. I realise this makes a difference in terms of what I am entitled to for me, I don't want anything from him in that regard but he would be responsible for maintaining the children financially.

We managed for over 6 months. We have decided for him to move back in now to save money (I'm moving out but not yet due to work). It works if you are still friends just don't want to be partners anymore

Have you tried the CMS calculator to see how much he has to pay? It’s worth seeing if the minimum is enough to allow you to pay the mortgage etc

Also, who owns the house?

It can work if both sides agree that being together in a sexual and romantic sense makes no sense and you just live as roommates and co parents. If one disagrees or is bitter about it, no no

I had to do it but we didn't have kids and that was hard enough tbh.I lived with exH for 4 months after splitting it was very very weird.I wouldn't recommend unless you absolutely have to.

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches we both own the house, it's a joint mortgage.

I wouldn't even consider him any kind of "mate", @BubblyBarbara, but I can see what you mean. He would be more likely to mope around the house like the victim, which he has done in all scenarios as long as we've been together in a bid to garner sympathy from everyone so he can feel more in control. He does this to me to stop me from living with any kind of independence and unfortunately he has succeeded. You can imagine what the last 6 years have been like.

If he's going to mope round the house like a victim then it won't work. The tension and resentment will build and you'll feel like you're living in a pressure cooker.

@MattBerrysHair that is my fear, I refuse to raise my children in a hostile, resentful environment, so I suppose we would have to make some kind of agreement on what behaviours are ideal and acceptable if we were to cohabit until we can separate properly.

It seems so sad writing all of this, but I think a clear sign that it's over for me is the fact that I am looking forward to a future where we are not a couple, I'm starting to feel energised by the thought of moving forward in whatever way necessary, even though it will be as a single parent.

The reason I felt it would maybe be a good route is that I know if I cut ties immediately and he moved out, when he'd be looking after the DC on his own (at weekends or whatever) I know he'd struggle so much to get things to run smoothly. Then at the same time, I think well f*ck him, should've stepped up earlier and maybe he'd have an idea how to manage them.

We've spent the last couple of days sort of living separately and he's moved to doing his work in a room upstairs where he stays all day and has taken DC out to spend the evening with them and I already feel so fucking free.

Fingers crossed that he surprises you with being mature about this. There’s every chance that he would ultimately prefer this arrangement as well. Not every couple is meant to stay together forever but I think men find it harder to pull the plug and instead turn into axxxholes!

I don't suppose you have the space and funds to put an insulated summer room in the garden for him to use until the winter?
May I ask why you had children with him so recently? Obviously you don't have to answer and hindsight is a great thing, but it sounds as if you haven't been happy for 6 years. It might help you to understand the situation better going forward. Did you think you could fix things perhaps?

@DianaT1969 if I had the funds for that, I'd be the one going into it and locking the door behind me

I am due back to work after mat leave in about 4 weeks. We'd had a discussion and said I wouldn't go back at all, as his salary supports all of us comfortably, but now that it's getting closer to my return date something is just screaming at me not to give up my job. We had thought it would be impossible for both of us to WFH with a toddler & baby, but I asserted myself earlier today and told him straight that we would stagger our workdays to alternate between doing a couple of hours work, then swapping so the other person can work. Pretty proud of myself to be honest!

I hear you on retreating to the garden 😁. It does sound positive that you hung onto your job. Your instincts were kicking in.

I think you need legal advice before anything. If you give your job up you I'll be on benefits with maintenance which he may need feel like topping up above CMS amount.
Why would he want to pay a mortgage for you to stay in the house while he lives in a B and B? I can't think of any relationship breakdown amongst my friends where the man has left himself in a shit position while paying above the odds for the woman.

Ugh so many typos. Gist is - seek advice .

I absolutely will be seeking advice, of course. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage and childcare by myself, he would either have to continue paying his half of the mortgage or pay the majority of the childcare (through maintenance). I simply can't afford to buy him out.

He earns a very good salary but when you look at what the new normal is going to cost him, between maintenance and expensive rent in our area, he wont be much better off than me at the end of the day. I discussed some of this with him earlier, he did look very upset and shaken at how much it's going to cost the two of us, to leave the comfortable life we have. I told him it would've been a lot cheaper just to have been a nice person for the last 6 years.

Op you need a plan for if he decides not to be generous with maintenance.
Sorry to be pessimistic but check the CMS calculator to see what he'll actually have to pay and see if that's doable.

I think you need to prepare yourself to have to move to rented and him not paying the mortgage or the childcare. Obviously now is not a good time but I honestly don't think a lot of men would pay for their ex partner and kids to live in a house while staying in a B and B.

Also he could meet someone else and buy a house with her etc and stop paying anything over the minimum. Anything could happen so you may have to prepare yourself for being completely financially responsible for the little ones (as wrong as that is )

As mercenary as it sounds, I’d stick it out for 18 months more and try to get married. You’d be entitled to far more as a former wife than a former cohabitee.

@plunkplunkfizz but surely married or unmarried I run the same risk of him just pissing off eventually and not paying. Also 18 more months of playing happy families would just feel so unhealthy and draining, I think.

There was further discussion last night, during which I asked him to put together some information I need on finances from his side. Then he said something about not wanting to live alone, that he'll just disappear into a hole and die etc. And I said well there's no way anyone will die from a separation, unless you are planning to off yourself, and he looked me in the eye and didn't deny that. I told him how utterly selfish of him. This is not the second time he has started talking about not wanting to live when I have finally told him to f*ck off. Only this time I'm really going through with it, I couldn't previously as my position was too vulnerable so we attempted to make amends.

*this is the second time, I meant.

I am stuck living with my DH . No young DCs as we are married 30 years. The finances at the moment make it extremely difficult to seperate.It is doable as the house is pretty big and there are other people living here to be a buffer. It works because I neither love or hate him , just indifferent.
I still do all the " wifework " as I just think of it as my job , which he pays for . Like you, he was a big earner, so I was a SAHM , then worked PT sometimes.
Please don't give up your job .It is my biggest regret .It is so important that you are able to support yourself as you can not rely on him .