Can we can split "amicably" while all still living together?

[Mothermusings11]

Really need advice. It's definitely over. He has very deep rooted issues, we have 2 young DC together. He is working full time from home these days and I have suggested that while he is working weekdays, he keeps his distance from me and the DC as he would if he were in the office until evening time, and on weekends either Sat or Sun he can look after them by himself (he has never done this eye roll) and I will busy myself with other things. DC are too young to even notice any difference (toddler and baby), but obviously before I get bashed I am well aware that I need to limit damage, that's what I'm trying to do.

He says he cannot leave at the moment with everything that's going on. He also has absolutely nowhere to go, so will eventually end up in a b&b or something I'm guessing. I'm in a vulnerable position financially because I'm currently on unpaid maternity leave which is due to end in a couple of weeks, but I can't return to work as there is no childcare open. He earns very well and we live comfortably off his salary alone, but money is not enough to keep me in this relationship.

I don't earn nearly enough to cover the mortgage and childcare anyway, so he will be paying significant maintenance, which he acknowledges. That part is very painful for me as I have worked since I was a teenager, always paid my own way, but had to compromise hugely when I became pregnant with DD1 at 26. Stayed in a job with a very average wage and no progression.

Am I unreasonable to think this is a viable way for us to live until he can move out and we can sort finances? I have a very good, supportive family who I know would help me out in these circumstances, but they have no idea whatsoever that I am so unhappy, the thought of even telling them is so painful.

surely married or unmarried I run the same risk of him just pissing off eventually and not paying

No, you really don’t which is why you need professional advice before you have any more discussions. A wife in your position may be entitled to spousal maintenance and potentially to stay in the house (at least for a transition period). A cohabitee, which is what you are, is entitled to minimum child maintenance and a property share reflecting ownership. The difference could be substantial. Additionally, any award of maintenance or capital share awarded to a spouse can be an enforceable order. Voluntary arrangements for enhanced child maintenance are just that, voluntary. As someone else said above, do you really think you’ll be sitting pretty in the family home funded by him when he’s in his sixth month in a grotty B’n’B with nowhere to have the children to stay overnight or when he wants to buy with a new partner. You need to get up to speed a bit.

I understand there is no legal requirement for him to pay maintenance if we are not married. But I cannot even consider marrying someone who threatens suicide as a means of garnering pity so that I will stay in the relationship. He is an unstable person and regardless of whether he pays up or not after a while, I'd rather be rid and have to call on family for help than live with him and have the children suffer for it.

Then that’s a choice for you to make but my point still stands: you need proper advice in relation to your situations so you go into the future with your eyes open, not labouring under any misconceptions as to the long—term security of your position.

I'm doing this now and have been since January when I told stbexh that I want a divorce. We have older DCs who are at home, which helps, and I have a bedroom to myself that I have turned into a calm space. We need to sell our house to both move on and it needs some work to make it sellable, hence the delay. Neither of us are willing to move out and it's just bearable.

Some days are better than others but I've found it possible as long as I keep looking ahead to better days when I can be on my own.