To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[Lulooo]

@OP, just want to come back to the thread to say your dad sounds like an amazing, kind, loving and generous hearted man and you've definitely inherited his kindness and compassion. I love your response to the whole issue and think your magnanimity reflect the values your dad has bought you up with. I think your dad would be proud f you and you definitely should be proud of your dad.

[Yeahnahmum]

Don't ask your dad. He is from a different generation where men didn't talk about feelings.

Just tell him. Tell him it was super racist and wrong. And that he should have been featured in the photos and the fact that no one in the family acknowledges this is absurd.

Just tell him. And don't wait.
Xx

[IDontLikeZombies]

Your dad sounds lovely, what an amazing man to come out of a childhood like that as such a good man.

There might be an element of 'sign of the times' in the treatment of your poor dad but it wasn't inevitable - the very rural, very Catholic branch of my family had several mysterious babies and aunties/uncles who turned out to be cousins.They just got tucked in under the wing of whoever was the matriarch in that generation and that was that.
My grandfather (not the same family), born in 1918 had a really lovely step father who cherished him. He seemed to actually more protective of my grandfather than his own biological children.
A far out relative had a baby out of wedlock back in the 50s. The big scandal wasn't the pregnancy but the ruthless way her parents hid her away and disposed of the baby out of the family. They were pretty effectively cut off but their daughter was still welcomed at family gatherings until she died in the 90s.

We're all as pale as milk though, I have no idea how it would have gone down if different races were thrown into the mix.
I think what I'm trying to say is that regardless of the prevailing social mores of the time people could still make choices.

[Zandathepanda]

OP what a loving lovely post (your update). Very dignified and gracious. I think to lovebomb your Dad is the way to go. There’s no point in bringing history up as it would hurt him that it’s hurt you.
I would perhaps, in time, send a similar letter to your relatives? It’s tone was perfect and may help you. I would tell them a bit about your dad as well. Say how much you love him. They may have had a very different narrative that they have used to justify their actions so beware of a defensive reply.

[Jux]

What a lovely person your dad is, and you sound very like him too! His best legacy is you, and your best answer to the rest of your family is to live the best life you can just like your dad has.

Thank you for posting. You've brought light to a world that seemed dark to me today

[TeaAddict235]

@user1471565182 most people on this thread are most probably white (emphasis on 'most' not all, for those wanting their pound of flesh), and as such they will not have experienced racism from birth: from childhood up, teenage, adulthood; the exhaustion of always trying to conform and desire acceptance from the majority race who set the status quo. Most people on this thread who refuse to accept racism may also show symptoms of White fragility. This symptom would not allow for race to be looked at face to face, and acknowledge that for every action there is a consequence: lhow I treat someone PLUS how they are treated by everyone else of a majority race = an impact on their life. It would take too much conscientious thought and action, and, well, think about it, why should i change?

[XingMing]

I am white, and middle class to boot, but I lived for many years in inner cities where white people were in a minority. I know that young black and native American men in particular were happy to chat on buses and mass transport. One of the questions I got asked often (because I was obviously a foreigner) was "how are POC treated in London?" All I could say was, I really don't know because I am always treated as white. It's probably not very different in London or New York. It's visible from the outside. But, that said, because I tried to give the straightest answer I could and wasn't stand-offish and didn't fudge responses, even at midnight, I very rarely felt awkward, or unsafe. My apartment block was very mixed: black, Latino, Asian, Irish and white, but generally younger and older, and definitely not many people who gave dinner parties. But as this was in the US, where there is a substantial black degree-educated professional middle class (I worked alongside many) the issue was rarely race, although there was a great deal of class and religion involved.