To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[Wheresthebiffer2]

Cherrysoup -To ignore the lack now tho is odd. Have you raised it?

OP said her Dad was absent from photos of the family as children - she didn't mention if there were any recent ones or not.

[Zisforstripyoss]

My grandad was treated the same by his family due to his illegatimacy, so it may not be completely down to race. Still a sad situation and I feel for you.

[Cocobean30]

This is so sad OP

[SleepingStandingUp]

The whole 'different times' argument is a lazy accepting and advocating argument if op had spoken about any language that was used etc then yes we'd know it was racist and then you could argue that people still know it was wrong, but there are multiple examples on here how people were treated like this just because they were illegitimate. He would have been treated differently because he was a "burden" and "baggage" that his step dad generously took on because his mom had had sex outside the marriage.

[DC3dilemma]

@HumptyDumpty1947, my grandad had a similar experience, although race was not involved.

He was born in 1919, while his father (Navy) was in a submarine which was sunk by the Russians.

His mother remarried and he had two half sisters. His stepfather never allowed him to call him Dad, even though he’d been the only father he knew. He was essentially the household Cinderella, cleaning and tidying after everyone. I remember him telling me that he wasn’t allowed to eat with everyone else as his step-father told him that he couldn’t bear the sound of him eating.

He had a miserable life and ran off to join the Navy himself at 16.

Seems like some men just don’t accept other people’s children?

But as far as I know, this treatment didn’t extend into adulthood for other family members.

If race is the underlying issue justifying how these people are behaving, that’s just absolutely horrendous.

[howrudeforme]

@HumptyDumpty1947

So very sad. I think it’s his ‘illegitimacy’ and racism.

But way too many excuses on here. Times have changed (a bit) but seems like your dad’s family (two generations on) apply this as their normal in relation to him. That’s hurtful and ‘others’ you both.

I like ideas upthread of casually loving the photos/comments of family posts (I’m guessing this has all come about because of VE Day?) and asking does anyone have any of him?

Your dad is unwell - I would not bring this up with him. Love bomb him instead, and you can form your own conclusions about his family (and your mum’s) without him knowing.

I’m not surprised you feel bad.

[OhTheRoses]

It's due to a variety of reasons and I'd say race is the least of them. Illegitimacy, step child, eldest coming first.

MIL was the eldest and at 84 still mewls about having to look after the five younger ones.

I am nearly 60. Mother married in an Empore line frock and she and my father were sent to a coastal town to allow the shame to die down me to be born.

My parents hated each other and I had to call first step "uncle John", 2nd step (I was 21 when they married) I was expected to call uncle Gerald and refused. He and my mother thought my dc would call him grandad and had to be disabused.

My head mistress in 1971 looked me up and down and spat out "only time will tell if you have more substance than your mother". In 1991 I forgot to take my pills with me when I went home for my wedding and made an apt with the local GP. He said ever so nicely "well dear, I can see you are more cautious than your mother".

I don't think it's racism op. It was because he was illegitimate and marked by ypur gran's reputation. Wholly wrong bit it's as it was.

Remember now I am decades younger than your father. A generation before me he was lucky not to be sent to an orphanage. Jad yr mother been my mother's class she may likely have been sent to an asylum and your father adopted.

On reflection I think his people were brave and he he knows it. I think you should back off.

[XingMing]

An illegitimate child, with a POC, would have been a catastrophic event that stigmatised the girl unlucky to fall pregnant forever. Please don't judge the social norms back then through the lens of today. That way lies tragedy and sorrow, for you. When it happened, it was likely that most people married with a ten-mile radius of where they were born. ANYONE outside the clan is a stranger. Where I grew up, West Cornwall, early 60s, it would have been the same. The lass would have been sent to relatives as far distant as the family could manage, and the baby would have been adopted.

I do understand that it is horrendous to write anyone out of your family story now, but then it wasn't.

[howrudeforme]

@SleepingStandingUp - racism isn’t just about language. I fact, I’d say it’s less about language but more about belonging.

Yes, illegitimacy was a big ‘thing’ but it isn’t now, there’s something else that sets him apart and it seems to have been accepted by subsequent generations.

Op will form her own conclusions at some point.

My mother married a man not from her culture - huge issue at the time, now it’s very common, but I feel like I was always treated differently in her family. Not badly, but differently. And that can hurt, too.

[Susanna85]

How sad. I'm sorry for your father and for you. Personally I do think you should raise this. 'Why is dad not in any of these, why wasn't he there?' Or similar.

[Runmybathforme]

You can’t apply our standards, this would have been the norm years ago. To be illegitimate would have been a dreadful stigma, to be of mixed race would definitely have made him something of an outcast. Why don’t you talk to your relatives about your concerns ? A different world back then.
So sorry your Dad is unwell.

[TheMistressQuickly]

Definitely think he was a victim of his time and I feel desperately sad for him and you reading this. No advice really but sending a hug x

[Alicemovedtothecity]

@HumptyDumpty1947 wow that was a really upsetting read your poor Dad. I have no idea if it was done because he was a different race to everyone else or because he had a different father but it was horrible thing to do to a child.

What kind of relationship did your Dad have with his mother? Obviously I take it he had a bad relationship with the ‘step father’ if you can even call him that.

[dellacucina]

I think it's reasonable to feel sad about how your father was treated, but I think you would do him and yourself a disservice to assume it's mere racism. Other posters have already said plenty about the other factors that may have played a role in his mistreatment.

Also, I think that your father has handled it gracefully and admirably. You don't know what internal struggles he may have gone through to reach this state of acceptance, and I hope you will allow him to hold onto that.

I do understand that this might make you feel resentful of your family, and that's completely reasonable. However, I would focus the most on how they treat you and your father now

[OldCow1]

Sorry to say it does sound absolutely racist. Dont know how mischievous you feel, but if you contest the will, it will be ages before they get anything and may all go to lawyers. Depends on how the beneficiaries of the will get on with you, of course.

[Notverybright]

As pps have said racism with a side of illegitimate children being treated badly.

I don't know how harshly I would judge his mother though it depends if she treated him lovingly or not. If she didn't have help from family/friends she couldn't have worked and there would've been no welfare state to lean on. She couldn't buy a house without a man and not many landlords wanted to rent to single mothers. So it was a choice of meet another man or starve for many women with illegitimate children. Which very much meant his stepdad held all the cards and could treat her and her son any way he liked.

Or she could've been as awful as him, like I said it depends how she was with your dad.

Since it seems like your dad doesn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't push it. It always amazes me how many wonderful people had awful childhoods.

Have you asked your dad's siblings why there are no pictures of him? It might make them uncomfortable enough not to share pictures that upset you at least.

[VladmirsPoutine]

OP, I am really sorry and I sympathise. I will add please be cautious believing (especially on this website) those that seek to tell you that him being mixed race is a red-herring and it might be because he was illegitimate / eldest etc. I am mixed race with a parent who is also mixed and though not a similar story to yours I certainly am familiar with dynamics within interracial families which aren't always very healthy. Even today there is rampant racism so to believe that in your fathers life / upbringing racism wouldn't have been a factor in how he was treated is fanciful.

I really feel for you. It isn't easy being non-white even in 2020 - so I can't imagine the shit your dad must have gone through

[Pomegranatepompom]

That's bloody awful, sorry you and your Dad are going though this.

[VerticalHorizon]

The prejudices of the time were were all deemed 'normal' views back them... homosexual, interracial marriages, unmarried mothers etc, they were all condemned.

It is absolutely right to describe those prejudices as homophobic, or racist, or sexist etc but we can't ignore the context of the era in which they happened.

I wonder what the future will think of the things we do today?

[MintyCedric]

It’s very sad but could be as much to do with him being illegitimate as non-white.

I would also suspect this, given the time at which your dad was born.

That doesn't make it any less painful for you, of course. I would feel heartbroken at the thought of anyone treating my dad like that too.

I hope one way or another you can make peace with it. How's his/your relationship with the other siblings/cousins etc?

[MMN123]

I know a family where the first child was illegitimate (long time ago) and when mum re-married, his first name happened to be the same name as her first child.

So when their first son was born, the new husband insisted the child be named after him. So second son was given the same name as the first and the 'new' children (3 in total) were treated as the 'proper' family and the first son as if he was some sort of charity case that the father had reluctantly agreed to 'take on'. He was called by a different name to avoid confusion, even though he was 8 years old when second son was born.

Oddly enough, oldest son didn't stay in touch as an adult.......!

The social stigma associated with being illegitimate back then was immense. Hard to imagine now.

[Hunnybears]

Could also be down to the fact he had another dad and he was the oldest (although shit either way) calling the step dad Mr is awful, your poor dad.

The fact she slept with your grandad and then had his child and the fact the step dad still got with her, makes me wonder if it’s a combination of the above, rather than simply being racist.

[OldCow1]

I know it doesn't help you, but if I do have any grandchildren of different race mix, they 100% will be treated the same in my will as any other grandchildren.

[feelingverylazytoday]

My Mum was illegitimate (born in 1933), father unknown, it really was a massive stigma then. My Mum was haunted by it her whole life, though to be fair her stepdad seemed to accept her.
My Dad was also mixed race (one grandparent was black) and it was literally never talked about. I didn't even know until after he died. I think it's impossible to say, OP, it could be both racism and the stigma around illegitimacy.

[OldCow1]

As will any "illegitimate" (is that still a thing?) Children.