To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[Persiaclementine]

I feel bad for your dad after reading that its realy sad actualy

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

Of course it's racist. My nan was "illegitimate" and nobody in the family treated her differently. It's not a sign of the times, it's a sign of fucked up, bigoted gits.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

These stories are making me love my Nans side of the family even more. They just accepted what was and got on with it. Family is family.

[TheRealMrsKeanuReeves]

YANBU op. But try to be sensitive towards your Dads feelings when you approach talking about it. They are his family & he presumably loves them. Perhaps he comes from a generation who find it hard to talk about their feelings? I would be led by him on this x

[TheRealMrsKeanuReeves]

It is really sad. But think about what you want to come out of your actions.

[Notapheasantplucker]

I feel really sad for your Dad too OP
YANBU for feeling hurt on his behalf.


Please can any one explain why it was just the children who faced the backlash of being illegitimate? And not the mother also? Just curious as I wasn't around in those days but it seems really harsh on the children 😞

[lyralalala]

@IfNotNowThenWhenever That says far more about your Nan's family than the times. Illegitimate children were often treated appallingly, or sent to live elsewhere.

There are even cases on the family trees I've done where children whose father died were treated appallingly with regard to their names or were sent off to live with the grandparents when Mum remarried because her new husband didn't want them.

There racist element will have made the treatment of the OP's father worse, but the fact he was illigitimate and had to call his step-father Mr would likely have still happened because of that stigma.

[Pukkatea]

Sounds like a combination of factors that all carried stigma in the past. Race would definitely have been a factor, if only because it emphasised that your dad was the 'different' child. So sad that he had to go through childhood like that.

[lyralalala]

@Notapheasantplucker The mothers very often faced backlash as well.

Men who married a "fallen" woman, especially if he took on her child, were heroes and the women were expected to put up with anything. I've seen recorded cases in the poor law records where families refused to help their daughter or niece because she was "disreputable" or bluntly called a whore just because she had a child.

Women often had no say on what happened to the child. It would be taken from them and given to a relation to bring up no matter what they wanted. They were seen as dirty and cheap.

The women copped the shit as well.

[Standrewsschool]

@notapheasantplucker - a lot of mums were treated awfully also.

They were often sent to ‘Mother and Baby’ homes and then the baby adopted immediately.

Alternatively, they were chucked out of the family home, especially if they wanted to keep the baby.

Sometimes, the grandmother or another relative took on the baby, assuming the role of mother (and being called mother), and the bio-mother was just big sister/cousin etc.

This thread reminds me of the film, Philomena, starring Judi Dench. A superb film.

[Notapheasantplucker]

@lyralalala
Oh my lord, that sounds awful and unjust
I am glad things have changed over time, but that must've been truly awful and scary for the people who went through it.

Thank you for taking the time to explain

[MitziK]

To be brutal and use the sort of terminology racists I was unfortunate enough to have known, if his colour had been a problem, his future SF wouldn't have touched his mother with a bargepole - she would have been seen as 'soiled'.

It was about being somebody's else's child. His skin colour would have made it obvious, but that would have been secondary to his being from a different father.

[lyralalala]

In one of the examples on my tree the 17-year-old had her baby taken on by her father and step-mother and she was sent for a 'new life' in America with her Aunt.

She was forbidden to come back for any visits or an occasions. Even when the entire American family came back for a trip (there was two Aunts and their family) she wasn't allowed to come back. She was also forbidden from telling her daughter their true link and it only emerged after she died (for other sad reasons).

[RoisinD]

So sorry OP. Whatever 'excuses' or 'justifications' there might be for what happened when he was young there is absolutely no justification for how the family are behaving now. As you said there are hundreds of emails flying around and yet his exclusion from family photos is ignored. That none of them have mentioned it but carried on is of course hurtful to you. You are bound to feel excluded and also hurt on behalf of your Dad. It is like history repeating itself and deciding to ignore the very big elephant in the room. Call them out, time it was addressed.

[Paintedmaypole]

What a sad upbriging for your Dad. Being illegitimate could definitely have been enough of a stigma for him to have been treated like that but I would think the fact that he is mixed race would have made him stand out even more as being a step child. I guess racism would magnify the stigma and be part of the reason for the ill treatment.

[Frankola]

Wow that sounds awful for your Dad.

Could it potentially be that he was actually being "punished" by his step father for not being his child?

Of course, it could also be racist but being illegitimate back then was a huge no.

[Thinkingabout1t]

To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

That would break my heart too, OP. Your dad sounds like a truly wonderful man. He was rejected by both his father and stepfather, so he had lousy role models, yet he became a loving father in spite of them. He was treated unfairly by his own family, but he shows no self-pity at all.

Your grandmother was in a weak position as an unmarried mother, and may have thought herself lucky to be allowed to keep her 'shameful' child. But I wish she had been able to show him more love.

Your dad sounds like the best of the whole family. Luckily, you sound like the loving and appreciative daughter he deserves. You must have brought him so much happiness. I do hope he gets well and you can help him enjoy the rest of his life.

[Notapheasantplucker]

@Standrewsschool

Gosh, that really is awful. So unfair and scary for the mothers and children

Thank you for explaining

[Ipadipod]

That’s so sad and definitely racist, are any of the family members that are sharing these photos the ones that were responsible for him being left out ?

[XingMing]

As late as the 1960s, illegitimate birth was FAR FAR worse than mixed race (which was unusual). Either dad did the decent thing and you married in an Empire line dress or he was an absconding scoundrel. For much of history, once you were a couple, pre-marital sex wasn't frowned on, but marriage happened once the lass was pregnant. In an agrarian society, which large areas of the UK were until then, a farmer didn't want an infertile wife any more than a barren ewe or heifer. It was an economic decision.

We have a very tenuous connection to the fragility of life in times gone by these days.

[Lynda07]

That is so, so sad. It's beyond me how people can be so mean to children, I wonder what was going on in your grandmother's mind while her husband was excluding her eldest child.

I'm glad your dad at least had you to care for and now you can show him how much you care for him. You and your dad both sound great.

[Willow4987]

I would imagine it’s a mixture of the fact he was illegitimate and also a racial aspect

Times were very very different then. Not to excuse it in anyway, just to explain that people’s views were very different and would have contributed to the situation.

However that doesn’t explain your comment r.e your gran and the inheritance. That does sound slightly off to me

[21Newnames]

It’s very sad but could be as much to do with him being illegitimate as non-white.

It is absolutely horrible the way he was treated but I agree with this.

[Stinkycatbreath]

That is shit OP your poor dad. Sign of the times my arse its out and out racism. Im sorry OP.

[lyralalala]

One thing I've thought of @HumptyDumpty1947

Your Dad's mother obviously loved him to have kept him. Lots of illegitimate children went into orphanages or were given up for adoption.

To keep a non-white illegitimate child she probably had to fight quite hard to keep him. And she probably had to accept the first man willing to marry her.

What was his relationship like with his Mum? It may be that he doesn't have bad feelings to her because he knows she did her best in a shit situation.

Also if those passing the photos now are nieces and nephews they may not realise the actual reason. There are very few photos of me after the age of 5 or 6 with my eldest brother because there is a 10 year age gap. They may not realise that their Uncle was treated differently from their parent.

If they said to their Mum or Dad "Here, how come there's no photos of Uncle X?" they're far more likely to have been told that he was working, or at school, or visiting his father's family than being told "Oh because Grandad was a racist prick and hated him because he was illegitimate".