To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[Dishwashersaurous]

It’s the being born out of wedlock and therefore illegitimate rather than necessarily the colour of his skin. He would probably have been treated the same even if he was white

[Chillipeanuts]

No you’re not BU, but it was a very different world then. Illegitimacy may well have been the foremost problem.
How does the rest of the family behave toward him now?

Sorry that you’re dad is so unwell.

[rvby]

It could easily have been racist, likely made worse by the stigma of illegitimacy. Difficult to know what the people involved were thinking (consciously or not), but YANBU for suspecting racism.

Perhaps bring it up in terms of simply asking where he is in the photos. And then let silence do the talking.

Be prepared to hear dreadful, racist, and/or dismissive comments though. White people in particular often suffer from an incredible fragility when it comes to racism and act appallingly when accused of it, they may insult you with every excuse under the sun and if that doesn't make them feel innocent enough, it can turn to mud slinging to get you to shut up.

That possible bad reaction may compound the feelings you have. I don't want you, personally, to suffer because of what they say to you - you're having a difficult time as it is.

[isadoradancing123]

Its probably mainly because of the colour of his skin and partly because he was illegitimate and because the new husband “took him on”, like it or not thats how things were then, however the childs mum is the main one to blame, , she Had sex with the man went through with the pregnancy and then allowed her child to be treated in a disgraceful way

[lilgreen]

I’d ask on his behalf “Any photos of Dad? “ things may have been different back then but they’re not now!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Of course it's awful op but you're using today's values and judging people's actions in a different time. Your Gran didn't just have an affair with a married man, she had sex outside of marriage and kept the child. That would have been a massive scandal regardless of her partners ethnicity but yes, him not being white is obviously a confounding factor at the time. You're gran then went on and married again, a man taking on another man's child in the 1940s/50s was a totally different thing to now. He took on her and her "bastars" "and u use that phrase with its original meaning. He might not have been a great man, she may have thought it better than being a single mother forever and that finding someone who would put a roof over their heada trumped someone who would consider her son his own. The fact that would be obvious on sight would have been much more significant a thing than it would now.
There will be a degree of "oldest child" to the giving up school, helping put money in the pot etc, and there seems obviously an issue of parentage in the photo thing. However you will never know on its own if it was because if you're dad's dual heritage or his being another mans child.

I think you'd need to look at their behaviour wider than your Dad, are they racist in other respects?

[Standrewsschool]

I suspect it was more because he was a ‘bastard’ (Ie. Illegitimate ) than being mixed race. Being born outside marriage was severely frowned upon.

I think what you say about him being the eldest and expected to help out more is probably true also. You see that in large families today when older siblings help to look after younger siblings.

Did your dad feel loved growing up? If so, that’s the important bit.

If you ever watch Long Last Family, you can see how many 50 year old plus were put up for adoption as their mothers/fathers were unable to keep them due to family pressure.

[2bazookas]

My mother always referred to her second husband, my stepfather, as Mr Surname; and so did we. In his working class Northern background it was pretty common for married couples to refer to each other as Mrs X or Mr X when speaking to a third party. Never, their forename.

Incidentally my stepfather (eldest of a large family) also left school at 12 to start work and be the sole support of his newly widowed mother and sibs. That wasn't unusual either, before the welfare state.

[NQT2020]

I’d say it’s more to do with him having a different father than him being mixed race

[LouLouLoo]

I suspect that it was the illegitimacy as well, we all know the horrendous name that children born out of wedlock were called. That's not to say that your suspicions are not also correct.

Whatever the truth, it is absolutely awful and whilst your Dad seems very matter of fact about it I totally understand it hurting you. Times were different then though, my Dad wasn't allowed to go to University because his older brother had and they needed my Dad to work and bring some money in. My Aunt on the other side of the family was sent to work full time at the age of 14.

[1Morewineplease]

I was very sorry to read your story .
The thing is, it’s very difficult to apply current social thinking to 1940’s thinking.
Illegitimacy was considered to be a very serious ‘faux pas’ and interracial relationships were really frowned upon. I expect your father struggled a lot.

My own dad , who fought for this country was subjected to enormous prejudice, as he wasn’t ‘English’ and consequently I suffered as my parents weren’t ‘English.’ Please note the use of ‘English’ as that was what we were accused of not being... never British but ‘English.’

I think, somehow, you might need to find a way to let go of this hurt, else it will become all consuming.
We now live in different and more enlightened times. We cannot change what went before.

[fromheretonowhere]

That’s so awful for your Dad, and it could be because he was mixed race or illegitimate, or something else. As a pp said, I would ask the family casually about photos of your Dad and see what they say.

My grandmother had a wartime affair with an American Serviceman which resulted in my uncle. He has a very dark olive complexion which my grandmother was apparently so ashamed of that when he was about 10 years old she put him in an orphanage for a year, and then later took him home again. Her other 3 white kids stayed at home. Needless to say he was very badly affected throughout his life, and now in his 70’s you can tell he is bitter.

Repulsive behaviour by my grandmother and I’m glad that I never met her (died before I was born).

[HannaH021]

i'm sorry you feel that way, to have less than ur cousins is just plain nasty... It wouldnt have made a difference if she treated you all the same. As for ur dad, it was common amongst my family that the eldest went out to help with money making but thats usually when the dad is absent. And it seems the step dad didnt want to pay the living of ur dad cuz its not his child, which is obviously sad and hurtful. Excluding him from photos is just horrible, some ppl are vile, the trash bin wouldnt even host them.

[gromberry]

That is really, really sad. I know it's difficult at the moment with social distancing but I would be doing everything I could to show him how much I loved and treasured him x

[TeaAddict235]

I agree that the illegitimacy of his birth played a significant factor, but equally his ethnicity. The whole 'different times' argument is a lazy accepting and advocating argument. There were many people who knew that people of colour fought in both world wars for the freedom of the motherland, ie Great Britain. There was ample propaganda informing the public that Sikhs and Caribbeans (and black Americans) were in the RAF etc, being an army member was an admirable profession. Most of those members did not remain in the UK after the war.

The fact that your dad grew up without a dad of his own, supporting him, guiding him, loving him as a gift from God (as all children are), and then appears to have gone on to be such a humble and honourable chap, deserves recognition. He would have had to experience daily racism at school, in the workplace, in society at large, and still remain gracious to his siblings. Your dad is remarkable @HumptyDumpty1947 . Find a photo of your dad from a more recent time, where he is happy and embracing you, and post it. Stuff the lot of them

[IcyWind]

Is there a big age gap?

[Cherrysoup]

Bloody horrible, OP. Trouble is, during that era, having a child out of wedlock was (quite common!) socially ostracising and to have a mixed race child would have been doubly difficult (is his dad an American GI?) so the lack of contemporary photos is understandable. To ignore the lack now tho is odd. Have you raised it?

[Katjolo]

So sad OP😕

[Kalifa]

That’s blatant racism.

[Rumboogie]

This happened to my GF. He was very badly treated by his stepfather, though close to his mother. He was dogged by his illegitimacy throughout his life and constantly anxious that he would be 'found out'. It was a huge stigma in the past.

It may or may not have been racial in your DFs case, but is just as likely to have been simply due to illegitimacy. This is often compounded, I think, when the illegitimate child looks very different from the legitimate children - not necessarily due to skin colour, but in your Dad's case that will have increased the difference in appearance.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

How horrible for your Dad.
It was probably because he was illegitimate, the only step child and a different race. Things were a lot less tolerant back then.

On your Dad’s, mother, your GM. Did she outlive her husband, your dads stepdad? If so, the difference in inheritance could be that when the stepdad died, he had a provision in his will that made his biological children primary beneficiaries of whatever was left from what his wife inherited if she died before spending all his estate. So what looks like GM giving you less than your cousins is really same share to you and your cousins from her, only they get a bit more passed on through her but originally from her husband, their bio GF.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

How very sad for your Dad. His mother may simply have felt that she had no choices: better for her child to grow up with an unloving stepfather than to go hungry.

I hope she at least showed your a Dad plenty of love and he found love as an adult. Sounds like you are very close and loving OP.

[Rumboogie]

I forgot to add that women who had children after wartime affairs with black soldiers were often subjected to a lot of abuse, as were their children.

[MrsRobinsonsHandprints]

I've voted yabu as my family is the same although race isn't involved. My gran was a war baby, father unknown and was treated just the same.

[lyralalala]

The situation with your Dad could be race, but could also be that he was the illegitimate child. When I did my family tree my Grandad's eldest sister, in a similar situation to your Dad, told me about how differently she was treated to the rest of her siblings. Three nights a week she wasn't even allowed to eat dinner at the table as her step-father wanted a family meal. She was expected to be extremely grateful for food and a bed even though she was a child. She was very matter of fact about it and said it was just the way it was. Her step-father didn't have to take her on and many men didn't so she views it as just one of those things.

The inheritance from your Mum's Mum sounds very unfair. Unless there were reasons for that (my siblings and I got more than our cousins from our GP's as we got out father's share as well, whereas their parent got their share) that's a very harsh thing to do.