To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

This is really sad and I echo other posters - definitely keep asking for photos of your dad as part of the family unit. At the very least it will shame them into asking after him.

[xSaro]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Whether they treated your dad differently due to him being born illegitimately or due to him being of different colour or not having the same dad as his siblings, either way, it is unacceptable. I feel so sorry for your dad and I also feel sad for him that he just accepts this as is. However, if your dad isn't feeling too fazed by it all then I wouldn't worry too much either. I can see why you're upset there may be no photos of him as a child though. Maybe you could ask your dad's family if any do exist and if you could have them? Xx

[daytriptovulcan]

I feel sad for your father. He's a brave and dignified man. In the 50s and 60s, with mixed race kids, the mum would often come under huge pressure to get him adopted, even basically forced into it, he could have been easily sent to work on farms in the outback Australia. In a sense, he was lucky to have remained with his mum. Its a shame there's not more warmth from his half siblings.

[Lollypop4]

really feel for your Dad and you.
I'd ask out right " There doesnt seem to be any photos of Dad, are there any?

As for your Gran..., Me and my siblings have always been treated differently to my cousins..., My Dad, was treated differently to his Sister.
Just the way it is , its crappy and hurtful and wont change, no point in even mentioning it, everyone knows as its so obvious. 🙄

[XingMing]

I'd agree it was very very hard on the unwanted child, but it was the stigma of illegitimacy that was the crucial divide. If you were married before the birth of a child, then the man accepted the child as his; if not, it was the woman who was tarred.

[UnabashedlyNeurodifferent]

Heartbreaking!

I think OP's issue is less to do with what happened in the past (though hurtful) and more to do with the present. Family members sharing photos, etc and her dad clearly not visible. No one has said anything yet. So OP is probably wondering are they too afraid to mention this? uncomfortable? Oblivious? Closet or full on Racists? Hateful of illegitimate children?

OP just wants to know how they feel in the present and what kind of family she has, especially coupled with the receiving less money bit.

OP are you close to any of these people? Could you have a conversation with them about this? Any decent person will have something to say about it even if they were oblivious before.

Not rocking the boat will keep this looming over you and possibly cause resentment from you, so address it. Not necessarily in a confrontational way unless you're sure they're in support of the awful treatment your dad received.

[2bazookas]

We always called my stepfather Mr Surname because that is how my mother always spoke of him to us. In his working-class background it was not unusual for married women speaking of their spouse to a third party to always refer to him as Mr Surname. Never by their forename. Many of our neighbours did the same.

Incidentally he was also the eldest of a large family, and left school at 12 to go out to work to support his widowed mother and younger sibs.

[UnabashedlyNeurodifferent]

I also think your dad is a victim of his time, he probably had to do as he's told, keep his emotions to himself and just carry on. You know.."put up or shut up" type of thing. So he may very well be hurt but he's not used to addressing that hurt or he's hidden it somewhere deep. Can't blame him.

There's no need to get him to (admit to) feel(ing) what you're feeling but you should ask your family members what they think about the situation if you're comfortable doing so. That's the only way you can get to the answer because no one here really knows.

Hope your dad feels better soon

[XingMing]

Race wasn't much of a factor, until the 1960s when interracial relationships became normal in cities. They are still unusual in rural areas, because we have a mostly Caucasian population. This is an observation, not a comment, before the flaming.

[happinessischocolate]

An ex boyfriend and his brother were put into care when his mum remarried, she kept her daughter with her but gave up her 2 sons. His mum then had another 3 boys with her husband and the family would go and visit the 2 boys in care twice a year. This was in the 70s.

It's not about race, it's about men not wanting to take on the children and the women being perfectly willing to let it happen.

Talk to your dad about it but I wouldn't bring it up with the family unless your dad wants to.

[eaglejulesk]

Great post @SleepingStandingUp

[Annamaria14]

If it doesn't upset him, I wouldn't bring it up.

Many sad things happened in our parent's generation.

My aunt was made to give up her first baby, because she wasn't married to the father. She went on to marry and have 8 children with the same man. Times were tough and strict and there was a lot of shame put on women who had babies out of marriage

[Nottherealslimshady]

Aw that's so sad. Your poor dad.

[Lulooo]

I also feel sorry for your poor dad. And his reaction to it where he just took it as part and parcel of his life is even sadder.i can imagine my dad reacting in a similar way... Kind of brushing things of and trivialising his own feelings. I guess if I encouraged him to talk about it, it might be the best move. Sometimes it can evoke feelings that he may have tried hard to overcome and cause resentment.
I guess, in your position, I would probably just make it up to him by showing him lots of extra love and trying to include him in the pics and events of my own children's lives as much as possible to show him that he is still actually very much loved by his family members.

[user1471565182]

Why are people so jumpy about accepting racism may have been a part of it?

[Paintedmaypole]

I do accept that racism will have been part of it but I do think younger people find it difficult to realise how women who had sex outside marriage were viewed before the mid 1960s. and how children born outside marriage were treated. I think both factors were probably at play.

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

I'm so sorry, OP. What a shitty way to treat a family member. I don't know if it's racist, or just because he had a different dad. Either way, it's hurtful and unfair.

Sending all best wishes to your dad, and to you.

[jacks11]

I can’t say for sure- though I imagine the race element does play a role, I suspect that illegitimacy was also a big factor. There are many cases of children born out of wedlock being treated terribly by their families (often there mother’s not treated much better either). Families forcing an adoption, grandparents pretending to be the parents to avoid the “shame” of illegitimacy etc were commonplace.

Add in that your father is mixed race, and you have an additional factor.

Step-children are often treated differently, and post war I think this was more accepted/less attempts to hide it than now. As is the case with racism. Having unmarried patents is now common, but was quite scandalous then.

None of that makes what happened to your dad ok, as it sounds like he had a very difficult childhood. But whilst I think there is an element of racism at play, I suspect there were other significant factors too- namely being illegitimate.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Why are people so jumpy about accepting racism may have been a part of it? I dint think anyone is saying it WASN'T, just that taking the whole picture in, it may not be and that taking in your new wife's bastard and this not treating him as well as your own was perfectly normal given the era. There's not enough info to say that the Mom didn't love him, just that she couldn't pull raanl with her husband (given the era!) and actually her keeping her illegitimate mixed race childist have took a HUGE amount of courage.
Only OP can say if they've been treated differently throughout life other than the will and if there'd anything in how they are to suggest her existing family are racist or not.

[PetraRabbit]

I skim read and missed the bit about him being non-white. My first thoughts were that it was probably and sadly quite common in those days for an illegitimate child to be second fiddle in a new relationship. There's no way of guessing if there was any racism- nothing in the bare facts suggests there was but it's a real possibility considering the era. However, even if noone was racist, your dad (if he looks mixed race) was visibly not his stepdad's child and the stepdad would probably have felt a stigma about that- people wondering if his wife had cheated on him or alternatively people thinking his wife was cheap/slutty and/or people outside the family being racist and judgy towards his wife. It sounds like he was a weak or maybe not a nice man and just opted out. Your poor father. I hope his mother at least found ways to make him feel loved on a personal one to one level.

[HumptyDumpty1947]

Thank you so very much for taking the time to message and share your experiences. And for your kind comments about my Dad. It has really helped. Thank you. I am sorry so many other people seem to have gone through something similar.

I saw my Dad tonight (he's in hospital) and was reminded of what a truly remarkable and lovely man he is (the nurses were all fussing round him- and he lay smiling appreciatively). I held his hand and told him how much I love him ( he said he knows I do!). I didn't raise any of it with him - on reflection if he is accepting/ is at peace with everything now is obviously not the time to raise it all. I am aware that it is very likely there will never be a good time.

I know that he loved his Mum and am sure that she tried her best for him - she had 10 children in less. than 15 years and, as others have said, it must have been very hard for her as well. My Dad didn't dislike his step dad - in fact he was very keen for his approval (he has , for example, mentioned how proud he was to hand over his first pay cheque to help the family and how his step Dad acknowledged that he was a hard worker - his whole face lights up the telling the story). My Dad has never felt sorry for himself /never complained to me or others as far as I am aware - just told it as it is. I'm not suggesting that he wasn't aware of the issues or wasn't hurt but perhaps he has dealt with it or just accepted what happened ? I really don't know.

I think I just have to accept that although things may not have been how I would have liked for him as a child he isn't complaining . I think it's me, my heart just breaks at the thought of what he has gone through. Probably sounds mad but I want to protect him from it all and give him the life he actually deserves.

I have asked his brothers and sisters whether there are any photos of Dad (after commenting on how nice it was to see theirs). His sister simply replied that there aren't any of him. I haven't pressed it as I'm not sure what it would achieve. I have found their response disappointing though. I am sure they are aware of the issues (although I dont think they wouldn't see race as part of it but who knows : one of his sisters has previously mentioned how people used to stare at Dad when he was working , would come out of their houses to watch him pushing a cart up the road as they simply hadn't seen many people like him before ). If I am being grumpy I would said they have been quick enough to come to their 'big brother' when they want money and help and its disappointing they haven't spoken out as quickly to support him a bit more now (ie say its a shame there are no photos or how he was treated) but I suppose that is families/life?

I think it might all help to explain why my Dad moved away from his family in his early twenties and never really returned (although regularly saw and kept in touch with his Mum)- he hitchhiked around the world, lived for several years in Scandinavia before coming back to the UK to study for an MA and work. He's done really well and I'm so proud of him.

I think the answer to it all may be as one of you kindly suggested to simply forget about the family (be polite but from a distance) and 'love bomb' my amazing Dad. Thank you for all your help.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Don't forget op we often don't question what wasade normal. He isn't in th because we'll he just wasn't. We were little and that's just how it was. Sitting there and exploring that means questioning whether the man they loved was actually a good person or not and well, why do that when our big brother never questioned it or complained?

Your Gran did a brave thing keeping him, and it gave him the life that led him to your Mom and you. Sure she'd have done things differently if she'd been born 50 years later but we mostly do what we think is right.

Glad you had a hood visit with him and hope he's home soon x

[ARoseInHarlem]

I’d be so proud if my daughter turned out like you (she’s still little).

[Rubyupbeat]

Things were so different back then, the fact a child was illegitimate was bad enough, to be mixed race as well would have totally changed its mothers life. I bet she fought long and hard to keep him, so he was loved. The stepfather sounds really harsh, people married for many different reasons back then and your nan probably felt fortunate that a man wanted her (all unbelievable in this day and age), plus it would give her respectability and her little boy a dad. What came after sounds really unkind, but I would bet anything it wasn't your nans doing. Men had so much power back then, she probably had to go along with it. I really hope he had a good relationship with his siblings and was treated lovingly by them.
My bil mother was totally cut off from The family when he was born, black and she was a single mother, this was the 60's so later, but the same attitudes.

[eyeblob]

I worked with older people I remember a lady who had a baby and kept him telling me.the stigma ruined her life. Another lady who had a baby with an American and had fought to keep him, the whole family were so proud of her as it had been a big thing then. A friend who was forced to give up a baby by her parents in 70s.
A whisper of a mixed race baby put up for adoption in our extended family in the 40s. Different times that have thankfully changed.
You sound like you are a lovely daughter and must make your dad proud everyday.