To think this might have been racist ... and to be a bit peeved with my family?

[HumptyDumpty1947]

My Dad is the oldest of ten children. He was born following a war time affair my Gran had with an (unbeknown to her at the time) married man. A year or so after my Dad was born she married someone else and had another nine children with him. My Dad is the only child who is not white.

The family have been sharing photos on WhatsApp of when they were children - literally hundreds of them/ many family photos some of which were done by a professional photographer (family portraits). There isn't a single one that includes my Dad. Bizarrely no one in my family has mentioned it- despite the hundreds of emails flying around.

I have previously asked my Dad why there aren't any photos of him as a child (the earliest ones are from when he was in his twenties and travelling) he said, matter of fact, that he just wasn't asked to be on them or invited on the family days out. He didn't appear emotional about it at all (just stated it like it was fact) - but I am.

From other stories the family talk about I also feel like Dad was treated differently - had to do more jobs around the house/ leave school early to get a job to help support the family etc (Dad puts this down to being the eldest and in part because the family had less money when he was small) but other things are not financial eg having to call his step dad Mr when the others called him Dad etc. My Dad is very matter of fact about it - just the way it was but I feel for him. To think of him as a child being excluded breaks my heart. When I was born he did try to find his biological father but he didn't want to know.

I know I am emotional at the moment as he is very ill but I also feel a little hurt that no one in the family group has commented (there are literally hundreds of comments). My Mums mum died recently and in her will left me less than my cousins. I know it doesn't really matter and it was kind of her to leave me anything (she didn't have to ) but I suppose I feel like my father and I simply don't belong anywhere. Perhaps because we are mixed race? I think I probably am overthinking things but it does hurt to think of him as a child being treated like that. AIBU?

[AbsentmindedWoman]

I am so sorry to read what your poor Dad went through. This was awful. Families can be fucking shit.

I wish I could think of something more comforting

[Standrewsschool]

Thank you for your update.

[Sushiroller]

So interestingly i think this is more complicated than just plain old racism

The reason i say this is my grandfather was married before he married my grandma.
My father was the "oldest" and "1 of 9"
They had a "step sister" who was actually the oldest and a half sister not step sister! And there were 10 of them
She was my grandfather's first child from his first marriage. (First wife died when aunt was v small )
She basically was treated like a second class citizen her entire life, presumably as she wasn't "convenient" and my grandma didn't take to her and grandad couldn't be arsed/ wasn't interested.
Similarly she is in no photos, never discussed when they reminisce, and apparently had to stay home and clean while the others went to the cinema!!!!
As a child we always called her by her name not auntie?!! When I was about 12-13 and started asking questions i realised wtf was going on (at which point she was revealed as a "step aunt" ). I was horrified by the whole thing and insisted on calling her my aunt but up until then I thought she was just someone my parents knew!!! This was in the 90s!?

This was in Ireland they were kids in the 40-50s and everyone was Caucasian but i think a lot of terrible behaviour seems to have been more acceptable back then. Racism (and shame) will def have been a factor in your dads case though.

[Acrasia]

Your Dad sounds absolutely wonderful

[Milicentbystander72]

I agree OP your Dad sounds like a wonderful man I not surprised you live him enormously.
I really hope that some in your family come to realise how hurtful it is that they have no photos of him. Just a little rejection and awareness would be nice.

I hope your Dad is feeling better soon.

I can understand your feeling upset for him. My own Dad (who died too young a few years ago) had a very difficult upbringing. After the war his mum and dad split. His mum left him and his dad tried to bring him up himself. My dad said he had a few blissful years with his dad until he remarried and his new wife told his dad to abandon him.
At 7 years old his dad gave a few pennies and told him to get on a bus to his grans house (who he didn't know well). He had no idea he was going to live there and wasn't going back.
When my Dad told me this I cried buckets, He went on to live a great life - ran off to the RAF as a teenager and they became his 'family'. He made a great life with my mum and me and my Dsis. He was the happiest, funniest, solid family man we could ever ask for.
Turns out that he had several full and half siblings dotted around the U.K. he didn't know about until adulthood. He never really reconciled with either of his parents. He never got proper answers. He covered up well and never let things grind him down but I know deep down it always hurt.

On his death bed, he refused to see his siblings.

Sorry to bang on about myself. Big up the wonderful dads all round! I'm so glad you treasure your Dad OP. It's very hurtful that his family don't seem too. Im sure they're the poorer for it.

[Pomegranatepompom]

@HumptyDumpty1947 how proud you rightly sound. Your Dad sounds amazing.

I was treated differently in my mums family ie all cousins bridesmaids at family wedding apart from me. Tbh it doesn’t bother me now. I tend to keep my distance which is easier.

[Milicentbystander72]

*just a little REFLECTION and awareness would be nice...."

Not rejection (!) gawd.

[Pomegranatepompom]

These stories 😢

[Disneylover4321]

@Alicemovedtothecity

I got upset too reading it.

[millymoo1202]

Probably a bit of both but I can remember now as an adult how my Dad treated my brother who wasn’t his, it was absolutely awful and cannot understand why my Mum stood by and watched it. He even had a different surname to us, this was in 69’s/70’s so was really unheard of especially in rural Scotland!

[Hoppinggreen]

My Mum was born in similar circumstances and she was treated very differently to her 3 younger half siblings.
Obviously it was awful for her and she still bears the emotional scars at 82, and I think its affected all her relationships since (even those with her own children) but I do have some sympathy for my "Grandad" who came home from 3 years in a POW camp to find his wife had a 2 year old!!! No need to take it out on the child though
there may or may not be a race component to it in your case OP, it wouldn't surprise me - but at least in my Mums case it wasn't instantly obvious that she wasn't my Grandads

[SoloMummy]

Sadly, at those times, step children were often treated appallingly.
My own grandmother was in a similar, awful situation when her father remarried and she was young. It was not a race issue, just a step child issue.
I think that today, things are very different and it's hard for some to comprehend.
Regarding your mother's inheritance, I'm sure there's a backdrop to that too.
I would focus on the positives of your dad's life, at this time dwelling on the negatives serves no discernible purpose.

[Valkadin]

If anyone wants a shocking read have a look at this museums blog mentioning unmarried mothers put in mental asylums. Last women discovered like this those numbers were few was 1971.museumofthemind.org.uk/blog/an-inconvenient-nuance-4

I’m sorry about your Dad, I’m mixed race born in the sixties myself just at the tail end of horrendous open discrimination. Many illegitimate children were adopted and the Mother looked after in Mother and Baby homes until the birth. My Mother said a girl in her road had a child out of wedlock in the war and she was forbidden to talk to her, your poor Dad had the world against him.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Op, just to say they your dad sounds wonderful.
As another poster suggested , just love bomb him.
Tbh, his mother must have fought to keep him. Being both mixed and illegitimate would have been a taboo. As others have said many children( born out of wedlock) were given up for adoption.
Your father was probably’ grateful ‘ to his step father for taking him on, which is why he doesn’t want to speak badly about him.
Sad situation
However he has you and I am sure that you bring him the joy and happiness which eluded him as a child.

[UnabashedlyNeurodifferent]

These stories are heartbreaking!

I can never understand how people treat other children differently or terribly. I mean the fact that it's a child (or a human being or an animal ffs) means they deserve to be treated with respect and kindness basically. That phrase "another man's child" really hurts my heart when it's used to "other" a child. What does it take to be just as kind to one child as you would be to another? Sadly I know many people who feel differently and (for many other reasons) I'm no longer in contact with them.

We all have hidden hurts and pain, this may be your dad's (or one of them) but as long as he's alright and happy right now, that's all that matters. No need dredging up something he may have resolved within himself or decided to bury. I hope he gets better. You sound like a lovely daughter and I'm sure he's happy to have you

[WindsorBlues]

My nan had a horrible violent childhood, she was born in the 1930s and her elder sister took the brunt of the dads anger. He always called this sister 'that filthy bastard' so when they where older it clicked that she was probably illegitimate, although no one dared ask the parents and the parents never confirmed.

On the other side of my family I had a great aunt who had a baby out of wedlock in the 40s, she was 16/17 and the baby was taken off her at birth and was given to other family members to raise. On her 18th birthday she married a man then marched straight into the house where her baby was and took it back, she was allowed to as she was now married and viewed as respectable. It was a deeply unhappy marriage but she always said it was worth it if it meant she could have her baby back.

Race likely played a part in your dad's story but illegitimacy had a major stigma back then. My nan always sums it up nicely "the younger generation shouldn't judge us for how we lived or the decisions that we made we always did what we knew or though was best, you should however learn from our mistakes and make the world better for your children"

[myangelalex]

If he is unphased by it then I really wouldn't bring up the past for him, especially if he is ill. I think the issue would as much be the fact that he was illegitimate which was a major thing at the time. His colour would have made it more obvious unfortunately, along with the stigma of mixed relationships. So I'm sure it would have been hard for him growing up, but people were far more accepting of that type of treatment and took it more in their stride than we do today.

I'd look more at the interaction between the siblings and whether they treat your dad as one of them and are friendly, and take it from there.

[myangelalex]

He does sound an amazing man. Very special, and you are blessed to have him in your life x

[UmmH]

The Book 'Britain's Brown Babies' by Lucy Bland has first hand accounts of the experiences of mixed race children born in the 30s and 40s. Helpful to see how both race and illegitimacy intersected. In day to day life illegitimacy can be hidden, but race obviously cannot, so no one can definitively claim 'it is about illegitimacy, not race' just because white illegitimate children also faced discrimination within families.

[dellacucina]

Thanks for the update, OP, and best wishes to your father

[Betteb]

Absolutely heartbreaking stories on this thread 😭, but your dad sounds like he became a lovely man in spite of everything.

Just to say I don't think his siblings will want to look to closely at the reasons why their brother was treated differently as it will reflect badly on their father.

[Annamaria14]

Sometimes what hurts us is the thought that families should be perfect and loving, when the reality is that families are filled with fucked up human beings.

Both my father and grandmother completely abandoned me. I turned up at his door, and his sister (my aunt) said, "did she just turn up? Thay must have been a shock".

And my father told me that he did not want to know me.

It hurt me for a long time, until I realised what was rreally hurting me. What was hurting me was the thought that I should have had a loving family, and it wasn't fair that I didn't have it.

When I began to see that it didn't matter what they did to me, that I was perfect and whole by myself. I was so much happier.

It does not matter what your family is like.

Everyone needs to see themselves as whole and perfect and beautiful, no matter how their family treated them.

Yoir family do not define you! ❤️

[Reginabambina]

I think it shows remarkable strength of character that your Dad was able to love his family despite being treated the way he was (whatever the reason). You should be proud to have someone who shows some much grace for a parent.

[ittakes2]

I am sorry I don’t think you will ever know why - it’s horrendous and I am very sorry for you. BUT this important thing is your dad has processed it. Please leave it in the past and move on.

[StuckInnTheMiddle]

My grandad was born in 1925 in India. His mum died when he was a toddler (he had no memory of her) and my great grandad remarried an awful woman. His father went on to have three more children and my grandad was pretty much left to his own devices. He was quite severely neglected. He left India for Kenya when he was in his late teens and never really looked back. Kenya was part of the British empire and my grandad got a job on the rails which entitled him to a British passport. He met my gran there and they had 6 children and then moved to the uk in the late 50s. My mum said he talked about his childhood a lot and was determined his own children never felt the hurt he felt. He loved them so much and loved all of his grandkids. We are a tight knit family and he made sure it always stays that way.

When he came to the uk, he got back in touch with his siblings and did visit them a few times but never got back in touch with his father or step mother.

Actually, my mum and dad met because my mums dad and my dads dad are best friends! They used to play with each other when they were kids and then saw each other again after years when they were late teens. They married when my mum was 21 and are still together now.