To ask if you ever feel like you've failed as a parent

[okycoky17]

I just feel like a crap mother. I have two boys - the little one is 17 months (nearly 18 months old) and the bigger one will be 6 in June. The little one just follows me around all day shouting and screaming, and wrecking the house. All he wants to do is climb up and down the fucking stairs. All.Day. Whilst the older one tries to repair his countless lego toys and gets frustrated because I can't stop what I'm doing watching the little one to help him.

I spent most of today sitting on the landing where I can see both of them in their various worlds (little one climbing up and down the small stairs to our room and bigger one in his room fixing lego.) House is a complete shithole. Toys, piles of washing everywhere. I have worn the same clothes for three days. Don't see the point anymore. Haven't cooked dinner. Haven't got any money. Not sure what world I'm in but I don't fucking like it.

I'm hungry, I haven't eaten properly today. Feel so sad and crap as a parent. I feel I neglect the bigger boy because the little boy needs me SO MUCH. I also have feelings of sadness and frustration that I'm not able to make them happy. I feel guilty, and so alone in this shitshow that is motherhood. Alongside the great love I have for my boys is deep frustration as well. I thought having a family would be more of an enjoyable experience. Perhaps I was naive. I feel that the burden of parenting does fall squarely on the woman's shoulder's, and that's not to say my husband doesn't do his part - he does, but he's got to progress his career, and continues with his life in a very linear fashion whilst I..........sit on the fucking landing wishing I could be happier. I don't feel like I'm enjoying this and that makes me sad. I just feel exhausted, crap and lonely. And strung out.

I think I've failed at this parenting lark. Everyone else seems to be bossing it. I don't want to spend my life on the landing in tears. This is failure on an epic scale surely

Hi how long have you felt like this? Talk to your DH. It’s a bit difficult due to the lockdown but try and get out as much as possible what is your support network like? Could you join baby groups? Family or friends do any live close by?

There is literally no-one with children who has never felt like they've failed as a parent

This is my life 😂😂 god it’s hard at times ... it’ll get easier in a year or so .. it got a bit easier for me when they were 2.5 and 6 .. became buddies .. I now sometimes even sneak off for a nap 😱 (don’t tell mumsnet)

None of us are bossing it...we're all just winging it. Some people are just better at making it look like they have it sorted. That is an illusion, we're raising mini-humans here so there is no perfection!

Yes often it is relentless at times, nobody is perfect, there is no manual Unfortunately.

All. The. Fucking. Time.

Oh Jesus Christ all the time. Basically a daily occurrence.

You are 100% not alone there.

It might be worth talking to both your dh and your gp though regarding how you're feeling. Parenting can be overwhelming and the sadness and frustration are common but not normal and there might be something that can be done about it.

It's also so much harder due to lockdown, I think an awful lot of us are feeling very keenly that we might be letting our children down atm but we are all just doing our best.

How long have you felt this down? You sound depressed have the children had dinner? If not, cheese and toast or porridge will fill you all up with minimal hassle. The boys sound like perfectly normal children for their ages, my DS is just 3 and has started coming out of house-wrecker mode.

When you say you haven't any money, do.you mean your family has no money through low earnings/high debt, or that your husband has enough money but you don't see any of it?

All the time. I wasn’t prepared to do the shit work single handled so DH could progress his career, and DH didn’t want me to. That has saved my sanity. I work a 70% contract which works for me. Plenty of successful men have wives who work full time.

Of course! I think everyone feels like that at some point. I think your youngest is at a hard age and it can be relentless at that stage. It does get easier though and when they can play together it becomes much easier!

I am totally failing atm... I'm so drained and totally over being stuck in with a 4 and 2 year old... it's shit. The telly is on constantly, house is a shitjole and I'm behind on my work.

for you OP!

Ah love. it's fucking gruelling at the moment with smallies around - it's just about survival.

Can your youngest start with a local childminder on 1st June, even just two half days in the morning? That would give you some breathing space and give him a bit more stimulation. It'd be worth the money.

When it gets on top of me I take toddler out for a walk somewhere I know is quiet (graveyard currently, less busy than park) and let him wander about with me while I listen to an audiobook and occasionally say 'look ds, a flower!' etc.

I always think I'm failing! Not helped by DS1 (age 8) class WhatsApp where mum's are saying stuff like "today after our morning 5k run, Emily baked cookies in the shape of all the US presidents before a history lesson. We then spent 3 hours on fractions followed by hand writing practice and a spelling test."

(Well my DS played fortnite (makes me a rubbish already, no more needs saying), before pushing his brother off the swing then the two of them munched popcorn while binge watching movies on Netflix while mummy pulled her hair out while trying to have a zoom conference call to try and keep her job!!)

I feel a failure often. Like everyone I'm sure.

Mine are older now and it's much easier but when they were toddlers it was so relentless. I struggled so so much- I cried on the toilet/ on the landing a lot. I fed them scrambled egg on toast far too much when motivation left me. And my 6 yo went to school everyday! You're living through extraordinary circumstances with no respite, honestly, cut yourself some slack.

Chin up chuck, I think we've all been there. I certainly have. The reality doesnt live up to the dream, does it? From my experience, now with adult dcs, I would say please, please try and make time for yourself when dh comes home. Even half an hour. As soon as he comes in, you hand them.over and you have a quick walk round the block/sit in the car round the corner, go for a swim if you have enough time maybe once a week. Please do it. Or they will suck the life out of you.

Not alone, I personally can’t stand parenting! It’s hard work and I’m bloody exhausted. Love my kids but don’t like being a parent to small children. Not an easy gig.

My oldest 2 are 22 and 21, my youngest is 13 - how on earth I got 2 by myself to adulthood amazes me and with the youngest I am honestly just winging it....they are all completely different so being able to adapt really helps (some would call it multiple personalities) 😂 everything you are doing at this moment in time is enough!!! Much love xxx

Oh crikey....several times when my son was growing up. I was a single parent for 11 years....whilst holding down a high pressured full time job. It was really tough at times and I often felt like I was a complete failure. He didn't sleep until he was about 5 and I used to sit outside the bedroom and cry, praying he'd sleep just for a few hours. Everyone seemed to ha e children with brilliant skerp routines so I felt like he wasn't sleeping cos I was so crap. I often felt like an outsider as all his friends had two parents.

However, that little boy is now 22, just doing his university exams, and will start teacher training in September. He's confident, kind, well balanced and mild mannered. I guess I did ok to be fair.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is tough, there's no manual and each child is different. I'm sure you're doing great

Crikey.....my spelling is atrocious in that last post. Blaming my phone 😂

Also, snuggle them relentlessly - sounds counterintuitive when they're driving you bats, but a really big cuddle, with a little raspberry to the back of the neck or the cheek never fails to give me a burst of love. And that love gives me the energy to do the next thing.

Could one of the Lego creations be taken out with you on a walk to be situated in an interesting place in the park for ds1 to take pictures of it in the wild? A place next to steps for ds2 to walk up and down? At least you'd be outside with the wind on your face.

I don't really like being a parent either. I often feel women are shamed into not admitting it. How could I like it when so little time is left for my own hopes and dreams. And it's irritating and draining to boot.
It's madness that women are left alone all day with small children. Also dangerous -seems to be more posts about from women smacking their children.
It's highly convenient for men though to have someone look after their children so they are free to get on with their careers and life.
I'd highly recommend a book called I'm ok; you're a beat.

Should be I'm ok, you're a brat.

It will do you too remember that all those seemingly bossing it have their days sitting on the landing too.

Not bossing it every day. (I like that term, BTW) Nor, as we say here, am I "crushing" it.
Some days I am "Attila the Mum."
I can't sit on the landing and cry. I have to go into my bedroom closet.

Yup. Mine are 1 and 4, today was a sitting on the landing day in our house for sure. 4 year old DS still drags out the basics like getting dressed, doing teeth, we’ve been having the same fights for years.

He is bright but doesn’t play independently and wants constant full attention (don’t they all). By the time he’s actually focused on something toddler DD needs a snack /nappy change / new activity and I have to sort her so he gets frustrated, loses focus, starts being a pain. Throws things, I tell him off, activity/game/idea abandoned.

And so it goes round. All day.

Looking forward to the end of this phase A LOT