I was put on this earth as a joke

[Mellonsandgrapes]

My parents were alcoholics and I was neglected, didn’t have enough food to eat, dressed like a tramp, struggled at school.......no one did anything about it even my gran who I told how bad things were.

I was bullied all the way through school and also in my village, lots of people knew about it........ no one did anything about it.

I was sexually assaulted from the between the ages of 12 -14, by 2 boys from my village, people knew about it........ no one did anything about it and I couldn’t tell my parents as it would have made matters worse and I felt I couldn’t speak to them.

I was bullied in my 2 work places (I have only ever worked in 2 places).....people knew about it especially the bosses of my last work places as it was a manager who bullied me but no one did anything about it.

My husband had an affair, I want allowed to talk to him about it or to anyone else, I wasn’t allowed to mention it at all.......so I got no support, basically I wasn’t good enough for any support.

All the people who have meant to have my back have never had my back. I feel I have no support in my life now or in my past so I must have been out on this earth as a joke.

I have NC for this by the way. I don’t know what I want from this post, I could go into so much more detail for things but I won’t because well I’m not worth it. I don’t even know if anyone will read this thread but I will Put it in here anyway. I feel so let down by everyone in my life who I should have mattered to but at the end of the day I’m just not worth it.

So sorry

How old are you and do you have any children?

You are worth it. I work with children who live through abuse and neglect, as you have. It breaks my heart because they deserve soooooo much better. And so did you, and so you do now.
When life deals you a shit set of cards it can be difficult to see a way towards a better future. And all the bullies of this world smell vulnerability and take advantage which makes it worse. There ARE good people out there, you ARE one of them, and you DO deserve better. I just want you to know that xxxxx

Hi Op so sorry to hear all you've gone through. You are worth it. All the neglect, and mistreatment is on others NOT you

Imagine you could float back to your early childhood now, as you are, and help that little girl. What would you do for her? What would you tell her?

You should be proud of yourself, you have got through it all. And are still standing. This shows strength most people can't even dream of having. Once you tap into that, you'll be able to do anything you want and hopefully find peace and happiness for yourself

I'm so sorry, OP. My heart is breaking for you. You deserve much more than this.
I don't have any advice above what has already been said. But I do sincerely hope for happier times for you, filled with the love you absolutely deserve to receive

You sound like a good person op, and you are worthy of goodness from others too. You sound like someone who would never think of hurting someone, and like someone who would always try to help someone else who needed it. I hope you can find people who see this and treat you well.

I would also rethink your marriage if you can not forgive your dh. It might be time in order to really give yourself a decent chance of finally being happy to cut him loose and start again?

I just read your updates and saw that you’re 50. That’s not too late at all!! Life expectancy is 90+, so you’re not even half way through your adult life yet. So much time left to learn to love yourself xxx

You wasn’t taught boundaries as a child by your parents, so when you were abused and bullied through life you saw it as your normal. Be reassured it’s not normal and not ok. I strongly advise trying to find the money for a good counsellor, who can help you put your anger and resentment to bed by making you see nothing was your fault. And to also make you see you are a good person and deserve to be treated well by yourself and others. One day at a time you can mend xx

My life story reads quite similarly to yours OP. In black and white, on paper, it looks horrendous.

I'm really sorry you've had such bad luck (because it is bad luck - you did nothing to deserve having such awful people in your life).

I too felt like I was in some kind of final destination game in which everything I did would be doomed to failure or tragedy.

But I was sick of moping around. I decided anything I could change, I would. I went no-contact with my toxic mother. I went low-contact with other family that just didnt make me happy, but didnt deserve to be totally cut off. I found a new job I loved. I started saying yes to invitations and going to events acting confidently, I sort of faked it til I made it! I stopped looking for love, was single for a while but eventually met my now-fiance after a string of losers and cheats. I tried counselling but I found it made me dwell on things - I find keeping busy works just as well.

I still have my dark moments, but I feel I have control over my life now. When I get that feeling of doom I remind myself I had it yesterday, but today has been fine. And tomorrow will probably be a lot like today.

Is there anything you love OP? A job you have in mind? A hobby you really enjoy? A friend you're close with? A passion for anything in particular? Have you ever wanted a makeover?

Any of those things will do, but take it and run with it. Honestly, things will get better and you can change your life. I promise!

Good luck.

We aren't born knowing what love is, knowing how to protect ourselves, how to cope. We learn everything we need to know at least in the early years from our parents and close family.

I am sorry it has been so difficult, but I do not think you have to remain tethered to the past, or defined by it. It will take some courage on your part, and a spring clean of your whole life and some sense that you are woth fighting for.

*worth

I am so sorry OP. The title of your thread made me tear up. You are not a joke. At all. You did not deserve the childhood you had. You did not deserve to be abused. You did not deserve to be bullied. You did not deserve your husband’s infidelity. This is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on those who have mistreated you.

I note you have tried counselling and it has not helped. I wonder if you were in the correct mindset at the time.

You sound deeply unhappy with yourself, and not worthy of love or kindness. You are. But you must start by loving yourself and treating yourself with kindness. Do not place your value in the opinion of others.

You mentioned your weight. I wonder if making small changes to your diet, perhaps beginning to exercise - by walking, at first - could be a first step? Maybe join Weight Watchers or Sliming World for extra support?

Do you have any hobbies that you could meet people through? If not, do you have any interests that you could pursue? Is there anywhere you would really like to go/see (with or without your husband)? A holiday on your own? A college class at night in something that interests you?

I think that by taking small steps to work on your self esteem, that counselling may be more beneficial to you.

I wish you well.

Gosh I really can resonate with you. I had amazing parents and grandparents however I was systematically abused from the ages of 6-11. Then bullied at school where I had to perform sexual acts and sex on the ring leader to keep myself safe. I was raped at 17 and drink spiked at 18 where I was raped by two people leaving me pregnant to which I miscarried by myself.
My life is a total joke

Melons there are many of us who have lived through pretty horrible things. I was abused and neglected by my parents from toddler age, had an eating disorder before age 10, few friends, bullied for being ugly, had plastic surgery which went wrong, was thrown out of home for an argument where my father essentially claimed there's no such thing as rape, married the first guy I dated, he turned out to be emotionally abusive, bullied at work, child with terrible life changing illness: It's been not that great. So I have gone through periods when I feel cursed. My confidence has been awful, but I'm managing well on meds now - and I hold down a serious job. I have some friends I trust and love. I don't feel fulfilled. My marriage is not what I hoped for. But I'm stuck. Here we are... You're not alone.

As everyone has said, you are worthwhile. You have survived some deeply traumatising experiences and we don’t do that without cost to ourselves. When we are children we have no choice but to bond as best we can with our adult care-givers, even if they are mistreating or neglecting us. It’s not safe to be angry with them, definitely not to express how we feel. We learn vigilance. We learn to please people and we really struggle with boundaries. We may even get into relationships as adults that are abusive. Not all forms of counselling work for everyone. I’d take a guess here and say you have felt like you were re-opening wounds each time without resolving the pain? If so, a really good trauma-informed therapist is the one to find. Shop around. It’s vital to feel safe and held by the person you choose. It’s not always helpful if you just talk over what hurts. Trauma-informed therapies work in a gradual way so that you reach a point of being able to talk about what hurts without either dissociating from it (that’s what happens when you check out or daydream) or becoming distressed and overwhelmed. The key is a safe attachment to someone who listens with acceptance. You might find it helpful to look up complex trauma or c-ptsd as your description of childhood through to adulthood suggests this may be what is going on for you.

*@Melonsandgrapes
Well said !!
You ARE worth it, OP !! Your experiences have been dreadful, and it sounds as if you have been conditioned to expect no one will help you, when You need to speak up, if no one is listening, you keep on speaking up until the right people DO listen and act to help you.
I believe in a kind, forgiving God. Have you considered going to a church (after lockdown)? Some people seem very nosey, but there are caring people too, as long as you can discern who to open up to.
Say a prayer today, and tomorrow asking for God's help, and for HIM to steer you in the right direction. I had a terrible childhood too, but it's made me the person I am, and I know where my help comes from. Your post was very articulate, despite your despair. Best wishes for a brighter future.

for you OP. Have you ever had counselling? I've started a few weeks ago and can feel it helping already.

This is so sad and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
You are worth it and you have been put on the earth for a purpose, not a joke.
You will have lots of skills and traits that will be appreciated in your work and personal life.
I hope you are able to get counselling or help soon to realise that you are worth it.

I had a bad childhood. I had counselling at 17 and I always remember the counsellor giving me advice like "Run Simba, run and never return".
I left at 18 and never returned to my hometown.
I didn't have a great 20s either, Panic disorder, miscarriages, lack of job, bad relationship, single motherhood and it all boiled down to lack of self confidence from abuse. I still feel trapped sometimes in bad thought and I know I'm a bit needy and get depressed at anyone's apparent criticism.

I did CBT to stop the panic disorders and it really changed my thought pattern.

You are so worth it, let this thread light a fire in your belly to get some happiness and contentment in your life.
You really need a plan/project. I'm always striving for the next big thing (just got my house). I feel more confident from it! Every achievement makes me feel more powerful and takes me away from my old life.

You say you feel too big. Why not try the couch to 5k? Exercise is good for self confidence/ endorphins. When your more confident join a running group. Make the friends you want/deserve!

Sometimes what hurts us is the thought that families should be perfect and loving, when the reality is that families are filled with fucked up human beings.

Both my father and grandmother completely abandoned me. I turned up at his door, and his sister, (my aunt) said, "did she just turn up? t must have been a shock".

And my father told me that he did not want to know me.

It hurt me for a long time, until I realised what was rreally hurting me. What was hurting me was the thought that I should have had a loving family, and it wasn't fair that I didn't have it.

When I began to see that it didn't matter what they did to me, that I was perfect and whole by myself. I was so much happier.

It does not matter what your family is like.

Everyone needs to see themselves as whole and perfect and beautiful, no matter how their family treated them.

Your family do not define you! ❤️

OP I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to sound patronising or anything but I could have cried reading your post.

You are definitely worth it. I sincerely hope you can pick yourself up and go forward and have the life you truly deserve with people who deserve you!! Take care of yourself xx

You are amazing. and you definitely DO matter. You do, however, most likely have CPTSD from everything you have come through. Please seek some help for this - it is a hard road - but you can do it.

But in the meantime please be kind to yourself