I was put on this earth as a joke

[Mellonsandgrapes]

My parents were alcoholics and I was neglected, didn’t have enough food to eat, dressed like a tramp, struggled at school.......no one did anything about it even my gran who I told how bad things were.

I was bullied all the way through school and also in my village, lots of people knew about it........ no one did anything about it.

I was sexually assaulted from the between the ages of 12 -14, by 2 boys from my village, people knew about it........ no one did anything about it and I couldn’t tell my parents as it would have made matters worse and I felt I couldn’t speak to them.

I was bullied in my 2 work places (I have only ever worked in 2 places).....people knew about it especially the bosses of my last work places as it was a manager who bullied me but no one did anything about it.

My husband had an affair, I want allowed to talk to him about it or to anyone else, I wasn’t allowed to mention it at all.......so I got no support, basically I wasn’t good enough for any support.

All the people who have meant to have my back have never had my back. I feel I have no support in my life now or in my past so I must have been out on this earth as a joke.

I have NC for this by the way. I don’t know what I want from this post, I could go into so much more detail for things but I won’t because well I’m not worth it. I don’t even know if anyone will read this thread but I will Put it in here anyway. I feel so let down by everyone in my life who I should have mattered to but at the end of the day I’m just not worth it.

Didn't want to read and run.
Just to add to what others have already said. So so sorry to hear what you've been through. Hopefully you can find the support you deserve. Because you are worth it. Every one of us is deserving of kindness and respect, and every one of us has something to give. Hugs x

You are worth it. You deserve better and that's a huge understatement. Please do talk to someone, you deserve happiness, understanding and some solace.

You have been treated badly by people you should have been able to trust.

You are absolutely NOT a joke.

End relations with anyone who doesn’t see you as the beautiful and unique and worthy person you truly are. And if you can’t (work colleagues) then hold your head high and know that whatever they say, they can’t really touch you.

But OP, despite all that shit storm , and despite not being protected by the people who should have protected you, you are still here. And stronger than you think.

The world needs people who are survivors like you , because survivors know how to put up with adversity , how to get through the bad times without flinching, how to reach for the light at the end of the tunnel. And survivors are the ones who will turn around and offer a hand to other people who are struggling because they know how hard life can be .

I agree with others, you need some help to raise your self esteem , and to make sure you understand that you are not to blame for other people's shortcomings. But know this, your time to shine is coming.

Thank you very much for replying. I just keep thinking it can’t be all those people who are in the wrong, so it must be me, it must be something I do or say that thinks people can treat me this way.
With regards to the boys (and I say boys as they were the same age as me) who sexually assaulted me They would feel me up as I was so big chested, one would hold me down whilst the other had a feel then they would swap over. When I went to my first place of work it was very male dominated and the men would say derogatory things to me, I was 16 and they would call me a slag and ask me if I was wearing suspenders and what my underwear was like, the actual owner and manger of the company who didn’t take part Would hear this and not do anything. I remember the first time I kissed a boy, (i was 14) he kept trying to feel me up and I would refuse, He told everyone we had sex, then it changed to I let him and his friend have sex with me, then they said they got a bottle and put it up me. It was all lies, I’ve never let anyone to that do me, I’ve only ever been with my husband.

It’s too late for me to start over, I’m 50 years old. I married the first man who paid me any attention because I thought no one else would look at me.

That was one of the things my old manager used to slag me about as she was the same age as me. She mentioned how I was a “plain Jane” on my wedding day.

I know my parents loved me they just loved their drink more. If you can’t get your own parents to put yourself first or even you own gran how can Anyone else put you first.

I’ve had counselling before it hasn’t worked

Of course your worth is the same as everyone else's. You were badly let down by people who should have been caring for you and protecting you.

Bad things happen to good people; they don't just happen to those who we might think deserve them. I am very sorry to hear that such miserable things have happened to you.

It looks like time you had some better fortune and a much happier future.

Start actively steering for this by getting in touch with your GP and finding support in dealing with your past.

It could be that the hope and feeling of injustice that made you write this post are the seeds of your recovery.

You're not a joke OP. You're a survivor and you are worth it. Please try to get support to help overcome all that has happened to you. You owe it to yourself

Op have you ever tried Al-Anon?

I lived in a dream world, where I’m a different person, a person who has loads of friends, I’m living a different life, but I’ve always been like this. I used to dream of other people being my parents when I was younger. I would dream of being one of the popular girls at school and I was really fashionable and beautiful and all the boys liked me.

And do you know what even at the age I am now, I still dream of that. I try to smooth myself by buying clothes I like that don’t fit me because I don’t want to be this overweight person, I was to be that beautiful slim person, but I eat and eat and eat.

No I’ve never tried Al-Anon I don’t know what that is

It might be worth contacting sexual violence services, as well as your gp they may provide support for historical child sexual abuse, they do so in the area I live in. Though there is a waiting list usually, it would be good for you to start re-building your life as best you can. Be aware that sadly children who experience traumatic experiences will be affected and potentially will attract others who negatively impact their lives. Do be aware of this, but not cowed by it, start by building up your self-worth, (print off this thread!) lots of posters have reminded you that your worth so much more. The freedom programme as another poster suggested is a good start, women's aid and other DV support will signpost you to it. Some is on-line. Maybe start with some self-love, taking good care of your health and well-being - one that you could start today! Some assertiveness skills would be beneficial to. Small steps, OP you've overcome so much this far, so your doing well. xx

Wow you have had it really tough. You have been unlucky to have been around from birth some pretty useless people and some horrible people.
None of it is your fault. The blame is theirs entirely.

You are worth more. You are better then all of them.

Try to find a way to concentrate on you. Have you tried counselling? Talk about how you feel to a good friend or a trained individual.

If you are still with your husband - do you want to be? If you don't then start planning to leave him. Focus on what you want from life and not what he/others expect from you. You are worth it.

Small steps one at a time, maybe write down what you want and steps to achieve it.

Good luck and very best wishes for the future.

You were surrounded by cunts.

That's all.

Put yourself first for a change, and don't expect anybody else to do it if you won't. Get shot of any arseholes still in your life (and by all means tell people 'Oh, he had an affair. Nah, he was a tosser, really, that just proved it in the end') and do what you want for once. Bollocks to what they think or say - they're cunts, so their opinion is automatically invalid.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!! You sound intelligent and kind. Xx

I've felt many times that some people have charmed lives and some people have awful ones and it's so unfair.

I am still with my husband and I think he is really sorry for what he has done, but he still won’t talk about it. I know he cries a lot because of how he hurt me. I told him once I only stayed with him because i didn’t have anywhere to go I don’t work and I now have no family as my parents are dead, (the affair was 10 years ago but I’ve never gottten over it and I’m still so deeply hurt), he was really upset. We don’t have a mortgage as it’s paid off and he arranged for the house to be transferred into my name, he has no interest in the house at all and it was all done through a solicitor. He is a changed man now so much more attentive, I think I don’t love him like I used to, but it’s company for me. Sorry that sounds really bad like I’m using him.

I'm truly sorry these things have happened to you. Bullying in the workplace as an adult can be just as damaging as things that you had no control over when you were younger.
I think it would be worth you seeking counselling so that you become aware of when to draw a line and how to look after your mental health. I've never had counselling but it's taken me years to achieve this. Perhaps you're inviting the wrong people into your life now that you're an adult as you had no guidelines when you were younger. Perhaps that's something that you could look at.

Please be kind to yourself and recognise it's not you, you are not the problem here. Its sickening what you've been through but your life is worthwhile and you can change things to make you happier. Also worth a thought is the fact that you shouldn't depend on other people for your own happiness. Use the time during this lockdown to work out what would make you happy. A new career? A new business? A course? Travelling? Look after yourself x

You do have worth OP. You've had a rough childhood & bad time since though & that would affect anyone.Being depressed you lose your perspective & it's common to beat yourself up over stuff that's not your fault. I think your Counselling might not have been CBT based? CBT makes you challenge the negative thoughts that make you spiral down & believe those awful things about yourself that aren't really true. The book CBT for Dummies is v cheap & puts it in plain English, with coping strategies to help. I'd give that a read then ask your GP for CBT Counselling as it's very different to basic talking therapy, which is more about just listening to you, than giving you strategies & skills like CBT would. Self esteem wise I tried writing 3 positive traits about myself & putting somewhere i see them often. I was cynical re this as it was on a rather new age US 'wellness' site , but it did stop me spiralling when I was self blaming & feeling rubbish about myself. Small stuff, like 'I'm kind, I'm organised, I'm generous. Then try & add a new one every now & again.

You've been unlucky. That is all. It is no reflection whatsoever on you or your worth.

You had a bad start, surrounded by not very nice people. This affected your confidence and unfortunately you didn't learn how to stop things in their track and horrible people took advantage of your vulnerability. This was NOT YOUR FAULT. You were a victim of circumstance and got trapped in a vicious circle. Your early start taught you not to value yourself, thereby making you a target for those who needed a weaker member of society to pick on. Again this is not your fault and no reflection on you personally. They don't know the real you as you've been beaten and ground down by events. They are all linked and it will take counselling to unravel it. Some are better than others. Just because it hasn't worked so far, it doesn't mean it can't with someone else.

Your new mantra should be - "I am worth it. I do matter." Because it's true.

Your posts are heartbreaking to read, and you are only half way through your life, but have been through so much.

I am afraid without the love and protection from our parents, as children we are a perfect target for others. It was because you were so neglected that the bullies found you to be the perfect choice, not because of who you are. How could they know or care what was inside you? They didn't. Bullying can crush your self esteem and before long the people at work replaced the school children, and because you did not know how to love and protect yourself because you were never shown, you did not know when they first started to be unkind and rude you did not tell them to stop, nor did you take action to prevent their behaviour as others may have done. Or look for another job. You were comfortable there because you were used to be treating badly. This was not a reflection on you as a person, but just highlighting that you did not recognise bad behaviour, because everyone around you have always behaved that way.

And so when you married the first man to show you attention, you may have felt you had found someone that finally had your back, and showed you love but he saw the same lack of boundaries, and choose to exploit them. A reflection of his poor choices, and not because you were lacking in anyway.

So you can see the pattern now?

So now you are fifty having survived half a century of this, and you should be proud that you have come through this, but you are not because for some reason you blame yourself.

Can you not see how wrong this is? This started with your parents and continued from there. You did not need to remain locked in this cycle, it is possible to break free - with proper counselling and CBT, stripping out every single negative person that hurts you bar none, by starting again and refusing to allow anyone to ever treat you that way.

You can do it.

But you need to start somewhere. Are you still with your husband? Do you have anyone in your life worth keeping? Where do you want to finish in the best case scenario?

Neglect is a very powerful thing. Even if there is as you say something about you that makes people treat you this way, that is not your fault. It's because of the negative impact of neglect and early childhood trauma. You are valuable and lovely. I pray that you can believe that and tap into the love that God has for you.

You are not a joke. You matter. You're enough.

The people who should have had your back but didn't are not worth your energy. They left you to look after yourself and you did. You're stronger than you think because that's no mean feat.

There's no point in looking back and dwelling on what happened and who let you down and treated you badly. From today, go forward bravely. Not many people would have the courage to go on after the setbacks you've had.

Be kind to yourself, get help if you feel you need it and get yourself away from the negative people in your life. You can do this!

I have to say you have been through a lot but pls know you're not on this earth for no reason. Pls get some counselling when you can and I hope you get over this