AIBU to say that relationships with a huge age gap can be successful?

[Nikitta21]

A friend married a man who is over thirty years younger than herself four years ago. He is from Morocco and came over to the UK to live with her. They are still together and still happy. Although I did initially wonder about his intentions, they have proved everyone wrong and their relationship has worked out well.

I now regret my initial scepticism and realise that I was completely wrong.

I’m happy for all the people who have a big age gap in their relationship and it’s worked out well.

But can we please get rid of the phrase ‘age is just a number’? It’s literally what paedophiles - like R Kelly - say in order to justify being seen with underage girls.

My husband is 20 years older than me. My family had their doubts at first, even refused to speak to me for a while. But all came around when they realised how well he treated me. I'm still sad my grandma died before agreeing to meet him. Everyone came to our incredible wedding and they've welcomed him into our family and vice versa.
We work because we're both willing and ready to put in the work, our ages have nothing to do with it.

I was married to someone nearly 20 years younger than me. Together for 10 years, married for 5. We were very happy until the day last year that he left me. He'd decided he wanted children and I'm too old. It absolutely broke my heart.

My xp was 20 years older than me. I was 18 when I met and moved in with him.

We were together for ten years and I was miserable for most of it.

I wouldn't say it was the age gap that was the problem though but more that he was an absolute twat (still is)

I'm not a fan of age gaps myself but I'm sure they can work for other people.

Though I recently found out that my dad is apparently dating someone younger than me (we're estranged). I will admit that kind of grosses me out.

One of my colleague’s was married to a man from North Africa. She met him when she worked there. The day he got his British passport he left her and told her that was the only reason he married her. They were a similar age and seemed happy.

A friend of mine who is in her early 40s has just got engaged to a man who is 80. She says he doesn’t look or seem his age. Yes, yes he does.

Even if you cynical lot do turn out to be right and he goes his own way after getting right to remain, the relationship has still brought her a great deal of happiness.

Yes and not a minute's heartache after wasting 5 years of her life and using her like that.

I refuse to believe you're this naive OP. Do you have some sort of weird, hidden agenda that's gone above our heads here?

@aLilNonnyMouse do you have children?

23 year age gap between me and dh
Had our silver wedding anniversary last year!

My friend married a man 25 years older than her. It was fine when she was 20 and he was 45, but now she is in her late 40s and caring for a pensioner husband as well as elderly parents it is much more challenging.

Of course age gap relationships can work.

But, it is significantly harder when it's the woman who is 30 years older, and he doesn't already have kids. Then there's the residency issue.

This has disaster written all over it. And I don't think this poor woman will look back fondly remembering happy times if he dive or es her once the paperwork is through and takes half of everything she has.

I am sure there are some age gap relationships that work. And its not that I particularly judge them, however in my experience there is often a power imbalance. And it does depend on the age they met, and the gap.

He'll only be 50 when she's 80, he'll be caring for an elderly woman in his 50s/early 60s. Im sorry theres no way hes in for the love

@aLilNonnyMouse so you were 18 and he was in his mid 40s?!

Do you not look at 18 year olds and think how young they are?

In my experience, from those couples I've known with big age gaps, they've not lasted beyond 10 years. Mainly when there is a difference in what they have wanted from the future. Someone in their 50s-60s might not want the same things as someone in their 20s or 30s. Also generally younger people are still finding themselves whereas older people already know what they want or don't want. These things can be navigated but ime they've been the main issues leading to a break up. But I'm sure there are some successful and happy age gap relationships.

Barbara Windsor’s husband is about 25 years younger than her, she is 82 and has Alzheimers but he is still caring for her. Cynics might say he’s in it for the money but who knows?

Age is definitely a number when it comes to female fertility.

five years before he can apply for indefinite right to remain in the UK. Surely no one would stick in a relationship for five years if they weren't happy though? Five years is a very long time.

Oh, hell, yes, they would.

What is going to happen when he wants to have kids?

Maybe they are both trans age? She identifies as younger than her age assigned at birth and he identifies as older than his age assigned at birth?

Of course they can work out. But you are probably only going to hear people in this thread telling their success stories. Its not easy to say actually, I married someone much older/younger and it was a shit show.

Threads like this are self selecting.

I personally know a few large age gap relationships that collapsed due to the age difference and them being at different life stages which caused huge issues. I also know one where the woman became his carer (she was in her 40s, he was in his 70s and this caused her to feel very bitter as a result).

So, I think of course they can work out, BUT you do need to consider the "what ifs" before going into an age gap relationship. If you have considered the pitfalls then crack on, its not really anyone else business.

An age gap relationship I know was fine until the older partner was in their 80s and needed care while the younger partner was still a fit early 60s. At those ages the difference is huge. It also shifted the dynamic. The older woman was used to being dominant (they were 40 and 19 when married) but fairly quickly she was forced into a different role as she became dependent and this was very hard for her to cope with.

I don't think the power dynamics are always the way you would think. I know of a case where a 20 year old pursued and married at 38 year old. I'm not sure he had much say in it but 35 years later they are still married, now with grandchildren and certainly seem happy.

My DSis is married to a man 26 years older than her. They have eben together nearly 20 years and she is his second wife.

They are besotted. Nothing malleable and manipulated about her either!

Doesn't stop people sneering at her though as a gold digger (he is a multi millionaire) or a bimbo though (solicitor). Because some people whon are hard of thinking see things in terms of cliches.

My best friend's DH is 17 years older than she is. They've been married 31 years. My aunt married a man 25 years older than she was. My GPs never forgave her, which was sad - they were the love of each other's lives until he died. Age gap relationships absolutely can work.

It can be great while it lasts but usually one or other is left alone for a very long time after the first one dies.

I know this can happen in any relationship, but obviously it is more common when there is a "huge" age gap.

@TinRoofRusty
What is going to happen when he wants to have kids?

Fortunately he doesn't want children do that's not an issue for this relationship.

In 5 years he'll be in his 30s with right to remain in the uk and she'll be almost elderly. Who thinks they will still be married in 10 years??