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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing a room - AIBU?

44 replies

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 10/05/2020 18:33

He's probably gone lockdown crazy - but I need MN views on whether DH is being a pathetic selfish manchild, or AIBU?

I am a light sleeper (and probably more so after 2DC) whereas he could sleep through the blitz. 20 odd years ago he wasn't a bad sleeping partner, but over the years he has started to snore in certain positions, and can be very fidgety if he has things on his mind/is partly awake but doesn't want to get up/ for no obvious reason in the small hours. I can't bear having my sleep disturbed, and lie there getting more and more cross! I do therefore sleep in the spare room several times a month - either planning ahead or moving in the night. He always moans that wives should sleep with their husbands - but I always ignore him.

Last Thurs and Fri were awful - he woke between 5 and 6 am, went to the loo, and then generally kept me awake for hours, snoring, yawning, tossing and turning. He says he was asleep - bully for him! He usually gets up early for work in the week but has been furloughed for 6 weeks so is now staying in bed and driving me insane!

(Yes - I know those of you with young DC will have no sympathy - but I have been there and done the toddler years.....)

I moved to the spare room early on Friday morning, but decided to go there for the whole night on Saturday night, after having two nights of disturbed sleep.

This morning DH was moaning that he hadn't slept well, so I said maybe he had too much sun yesterday. He said no, he'd slept badly because he couldn't sleep well without his wife next to him!!

Anyway - I was fuming! He kept saying it wasn't right and that husbands and wives should sleep together. I named loads of couples we know or know of who don't - or don't all the time - but he just kept saying he didn't know anyone and it wasn't right! I pointed out he was quite happy to sleep alone when he has been on many lads' holidays since we got married and had kids, but he didn't get the point.

I then told him he was selfish for minding me trying to get a decent night's sleep occasionally, and a pathetic immature boy for whinging about not being able to sleep on his own (which he did for many years when living at his parents). He said I should be pleased he misses me at night!

AIBU?

OP posts:

DinoGreen · 10/05/2020 18:40

YANBU. I sleep so much better on my own. I’m also a very light sleeper. My DH snores like a warthog if he’s been drinking and lately, he’d put on a fair bit of weight and that was making him snore nearly every night, he also fidgets a lot. He has thankfully lost some weight now but there were a couple of months where I moved to the spare room nearly every night. Now it’s more like once/twice a week. He also says he misses me but he doesn’t make me feel bad about it and your DH shouldn’t either when it’s all his fault!

VortexofBloggery · 10/05/2020 18:42

Sleep is vital and not negotiable. Maybe he'll surprise you and come up with a solution, until then.... A good night's sleep awaits you. Enjoy!

pinkyredrose · 10/05/2020 18:47

He's a selfish cunt. Who made him the boss of you? He's ok with you having no sleep is he? Why dont you wake him up continuously for hours on end, see how he likes it.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 18:47

I then told him he was selfish for minding me trying to get a decent night's sleep occasionally, and a pathetic immature boy for whinging about not being able to sleep on his own

I think this was unnecessarily harsh. YABU for that. Lots of people believe that separate bedrooms are just the end of the marriage. I know people who would rather never sleep than "risk it". Plus it is not pathetic and immature to not be able to sleep when you are used to something and suddenly it's not there. It's also different on holidays. I bet you someone he knows (even maybe parents) had separate bedrooms and split up.

YANBU to want good sleep and do something for it. You just stick to the spare room whenever you need it, but there is no need to be that harsh. I fidget, my DH snores, it's no ones fault one keeps the other awake. Actually kept. Separate bedrooms are heaven.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/05/2020 18:49

I suffer from insomnia. DH suffers from sleep apnea. If one or the other if us is going through a bad patch we move beds. Before his diagnosis, we were both exhausted, grumpy and stressed. Now with his medication and sleep machine, we actually like each other again. For my insomnia, he bought me a Kindle with backlight so I'm not turning lights in in the middle of the night.

You need sleep. Your husband needs a teddy bear.

OutOfHours · 10/05/2020 18:57

I have exactly the same issue with my DH, he has no problem with me moving to the sofa/ds bed, and apologises for it or lets me sleep in if he knows he has been bad.

He doesn't do it intentionally, I know that, but it also isn't his fault it takes me 1-2hrs to fall asleep and then sleep really light after that, or not sleep at all.

He needs to be more understanding, it doesn't effect him because he is sleeping.

I recorded my DH, and he has been a lot more understanding since then, and I sent him recordings every now and then just to remind him how much he sounds like a steam train walrus.

Original poster

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 10/05/2020 19:03

@outofhours funnily enough I have recently set my phone up to record him so I can share his snoring noise - he say he's just 'breathing'. Haven't done it yet though. But I can record him twitching and sighing and rolling from side to side.......

I agree it's not intentional - but he just says' if you were really tired you'd sleep though it/go back to sleep easily'.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 10/05/2020 19:04

Sorry - I can't record him twitching......

OP posts:

forgivemeimnew · 10/05/2020 19:04

My DH and I were having this discussion the other day and saying when our first DC flies the nest we’ll have separate rooms and I can’t bloody wait.
YANBU at all.

MsChatterbox · 10/05/2020 19:07

I think the last bit was a bit harsh but we all say things that are a bit harsh when annoyed. YANBU. My husband is a snorer. He regularly gets booted to the couch. If we had a spare bed we would alternate sleeping in there (I'm too pregnant for the couch atm). Some nights I feel sorry for him and let him stay, but then I'm woken every 30 minutes which isn't fun with an early riser toddler!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/05/2020 19:08

Why does he think his desire to sleep well because you are next to him is more important than your desire to sleep well because he is not next to you?
His needs are not more important than yours.

Original poster

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 10/05/2020 19:09

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow I really don't think he knows anyone who had separate rooms, who has split up. He's a simple soul who does what his very elderly parents did. They shared a room, ergo, we should.

Maybe I was a bit harsh, but our DCs were there, and he's not being a good role model if he lets them think wives should go without sleep to please to their men!

OP posts:

recrudescence · 10/05/2020 19:11

As soon as the husband emits the first snore I’m off to the spare room. I know from bitter experience that turning him over, poking him, or putting my fingers right up both nostrils will only work for a while. If he suggested that it was my duty to remain and be tortured, I’d have engage the services of a good divorce lawyer.

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 19:18

@GetOffTheTableMabel has written what I think...

Why does his need to have you there to sleep trump your need to have a decent nights sleep?

I bet if you were there when he woke up he wouldn't even know you hadn't been there. I suspect he knows he is being unreasonable but just doesn't want to admit it.

I am a very light sleeper/insomniac. DH realised life was much nicer when his snoring stopped disturbing me and making me want to kill him.

We watch TV in bed together nearly every evening then he goes to the spare room in the single bed, and I love him all the more for it!

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 19:20

@NCagainwhenwhenwhen is the bed in the spare room comfy? If not get yourself some comfy one. Also, how about you switch? Once he is there, once you. It will be like sleeping elsewhere. It's a different bed so he shouldn't miss you and you can spread out in the bog one.
It's not easy and lots of people are genuinely "oh no, poor them" if they hear about separate bedrooms so the worry is understandable. It is also fully understandable you want sleep and you should get it!

We used to snap at each other a lot when we shared bedroom... We now actually like each other.

Original poster

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 10/05/2020 19:26

The spare bed is OK but noisy with the boiler underneath (disturbs me but he wouldn't hear it). Our room and bed are miles nicer, he refuses to move ever! No chance of him sleeping there to give me a good night's kip.......

OP posts:

Samtsirch · 10/05/2020 19:36

I regularly sleep in the spare room as my partner snores and talks a lot in his sleep.
It’s an arrangement which suits us both, as I can’t cope well without sleep.
We still have a close and intimate relationship, we just don’t need to sleep in the same bed every single night.

NaviSprite · 10/05/2020 19:37

YADNBU OP - I've been sleeping separately from my DH for over 2 years now and I love it! He was a bit non-plussed and upset to begin with... but then I candidly reminded him that he flails around like a toddler in his sleep and I was fed up with being woken up by an elbow to the back of the sodding head, a knee in the spine, or my favourite, him star-fishing so I was curled up into a tiny uncomfortable ball because I couldn't shift him. Oh and when we first met he had a horrible habit of eating snacks in bed before sleep ( -- not envy!) and I was getting fed up of shards of crisps stabbing me in various places because he wouldn't clean up/stop doing it!

The eating in bed has now stopped thankfully, but his flailing hasn't so on the sofa I remain (because I actually like sleeping on the sofa, I don't really know why )

Frlrlrubert · 10/05/2020 19:37

He's a knob. My parents have slept apart since I moved out, and are still happily married 14 years later.

My dad snores like a lion roaring and my mum is a bad sleeper.

When I'm struggling to sleep DH manages to either fidget or huff every time I'm on the cusp of sleep and it gives me the rage - so I move to the spare room. He also turns over by bouncing instead of rolling - wtf?

HollowTalk · 10/05/2020 19:37

He's selfish, isn't he? He gets the best room and the best bed and he's the one causing the aggravation. Would he see a doctor about his snoring? Is he overweight?

Nosuchluck · 10/05/2020 20:07

My DH has a snoring app and it records his snoring, for how long and at what time. Each day I get him to play it back, he finally gets it now.

GindependantWoman · 10/05/2020 20:10

If it helps, I used to have the exact opposite problem. I started to snore like the proverbial bear when pregnant and after due to being a heifer. DP is a light sleeper.

I used to get a bit upset if I woke up and he was gone or he didn't even try to sleep in our bed. Then he said this to me and it might help you... "if I have to lie next to you making those noises all night, I will start to hate you because my quality of life will go down if I don't get enough sleep and can't work properly in addition to wanted to smother you with a pillow every night. Trust me, it's better for our relationship if I'm not forced to sleep with you."

You could maybe be a bit gentler but it's not fair for him to cut your sleep and affect all aspecTs of your life because of some false tradition.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 20:11

"if I have to lie next to you making those noises all night, I will start to hate you because my quality of life will go down if I don't get enough sleep and can't work properly in addition to wanted to smother you with a pillow every night. Trust me, it's better for our relationship if I'm not forced to sleep with you."

That's it. It's the truth!

EggysMom · 10/05/2020 20:16

I snore (weight related, I know). DH likes to have a tornado fan at night. After years of disturbed sleep, we have finally started to occasionally separate overnight; and we are getting much better sleep as a result. Sometimes he'll go in the spare room when he comes up if I'm already snoring. Sometimes I'll move to the spare room around 4am (pee time!) as I'll struggle to go back to sleep with his fan on. There's no bad feeling on either part, it's just something we now do.

nettytree · 10/05/2020 20:37

Get him tested for sleep apnea. My hubby has a cpap now. Saved our marriage.

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