Sharing a room - AIBU?

[NCagainwhenwhenwhen]

He's probably gone lockdown crazy - but I need MN views on whether DH is being a pathetic selfish manchild, or AIBU?

I am a light sleeper (and probably more so after 2DC) whereas he could sleep through the blitz. 20 odd years ago he wasn't a bad sleeping partner, but over the years he has started to snore in certain positions, and can be very fidgety if he has things on his mind/is partly awake but doesn't want to get up/ for no obvious reason in the small hours. I can't bear having my sleep disturbed, and lie there getting more and more cross! I do therefore sleep in the spare room several times a month - either planning ahead or moving in the night. He always moans that wives should sleep with their husbands - but I always ignore him.

Last Thurs and Fri were awful - he woke between 5 and 6 am, went to the loo, and then generally kept me awake for hours, snoring, yawning, tossing and turning. He says he was asleep - bully for him! He usually gets up early for work in the week but has been furloughed for 6 weeks so is now staying in bed and driving me insane!

(Yes - I know those of you with young DC will have no sympathy - but I have been there and done the toddler years.....)

I moved to the spare room early on Friday morning, but decided to go there for the whole night on Saturday night, after having two nights of disturbed sleep.

This morning DH was moaning that he hadn't slept well, so I said maybe he had too much sun yesterday. He said no, he'd slept badly because he couldn't sleep well without his wife next to him!!

Anyway - I was fuming! He kept saying it wasn't right and that husbands and wives should sleep together. I named loads of couples we know or know of who don't - or don't all the time - but he just kept saying he didn't know anyone and it wasn't right! I pointed out he was quite happy to sleep alone when he has been on many lads' holidays since we got married and had kids, but he didn't get the point.

I then told him he was selfish for minding me trying to get a decent night's sleep occasionally, and a pathetic immature boy for whinging about not being able to sleep on his own (which he did for many years when living at his parents). He said I should be pleased he misses me at night!

AIBU?

Would it help to keep prodding him awake each time he disturbs you? If he claims he is awake when moaned at, ask him why he is snoring whilst awake. If you are up before him because of the dc, tell them to go & keep daddy company (annoy him so he gets up) whilst you have a drink in peace. When he eventually emerges complaining he is so tired because you kept him awake - welcome to my world darling. Then give him a choice. You will stay in bed with him, but you will continue to wake him every single time he disturbs you through the night. Or he stops moaning when you remove yourself to the spare room, and takes his turn in there at least once a week so you get peace in your comfy bed.
Fair compromise?

Mine moves out when he knows he's going to be twitchy so I'm not disturbed. He got up this morning around 5am because he couldn't sleep and knew he would toss and turn. He does it without me asking because he's a caring chap. Maybe wake yours up every time he disturbs you. Every single time until he gets the point. Then talk about separate rooms.

And just to add, my dh snores dreadfully some nights. I am a light sleeper. I do not have a spare room so have to upset the dog and take over the sofa.
My dh is very apologetic when he wakes & wouldn't dream of moaning at me for moving in the night. He will offer to sleep on the sofa, or I have an early night & he stays up late to give me a few hours of decent sleep, even if I am then disturbed.

I used to put the duvet over DH face, used it wake him up with no kicking required!

I also used to turn the TV on so it was loud enough to hear, "it's so loud" yep as loud as you! He didn't like his sleep disturbed funnily enough and he then grasped the benefit of sleeping apart...

why ask for a diagram = we need a link to the audio

You need sleep. Your husband needs a teddy bear either that or a blow up doll.
YANBU - move to the spare room; or better still, insist that he does.

DH is a snorer and twitcher in his sleep. He fidgets and sighs and leaps about. I wake up at least 4 times a night due to menopausal night sweats. We have separate rooms and it is bliss, I tell you, bloody bliss. Can't see us ever sleeping together again.

If I get up for a wee in the middle of the night, it is pointless trying to go back to sleep. I toss and turn and apparently sigh a lot, so I just migrate to the spare room. I sleep, my DH sleeps, win win.

I'd love my own room. Dh has gone from sleeping like the dead to waking at every twitch/snore i make. Currently I'm camped out nightly in sitting room as I'm so bloody tired with him prodding me in the night

Oh for fucksake.
My 9 year old DSD whinges, whines and cries in the night because she can’t sleep without DH in bed with her. It’s pathetic enough at her age never mind for a full grown man!
I’d be giving him a sharp elbow or two OP. If he wakes you up, you return the favour. Every. Single. Time.
Soon see how long he needs his loving wife beside him to help him sleep. Selfish twat.

My DH wakes himself up with his own snoring. He'll sit bolt upright and shout "what was that?"

Set the app going, we have done it on our son's phone so he could hear his sleep talking which is funny as he has done it for a decade.

We also set one for Dh and it shows on a graph how loud it gets, plus records audio meaning you can hear it when he turns over and wakes himself up with his own snoring.

He cannot understand how bad it is for you unless he sees it or hears it. Do it tonight.

Frlrlrubert my husband did this. ( Probably still does). He had to leap right up off the mattress and spin around. He also snores. We have had separate rooms now for the past 5 years and both sleep well. We don't even share on holiday any more as we like our own beds so much. I'd have been up on a murder charge otherwise. 😁😁

Vedaisawesome

I'm glad he's not the only one (well, not really but ykwim). He sleeps like the dead and just does not understand that normal people wake up when you bounce next to them, or turn the fucking light on, or have your alarm set at 120 dB. He occasionally has to get up very early for work and I'm sure the neighbours know about it.

My husband and I have slept in separate rooms since we started living together. I like to sleep in the middle of the bed and stretch my arm out, also I snore, although I haven't heard anything so I doubt this...! We are very close, very much in love, very happy, it doesn't affect our relationship at all.

Sleeping is essentially a solitary activity anyway, it's not like you're asleep with someone else sharing the same dreams or anything.

Move him to the spare room permanently if you can op or move yourself there and make it as nice as possible

Ooh, the ‘If you were tired enough you would sleep through would make me so mad!’

Some deep sleepers do not grasp the fact that if you find it difficult to sleep you can go days on hardly any sleep and still find it difficult to sleep. That is him doing competitive tiredness and it’s a dick manoeuvre! YANBU!

Royalty don't sleep in the same room, and if it's good enough for them…

Honestly, there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. Consistently disturbed sleep is also setting you up for a range of horrible ailments and illnesses. I really don't understand the line of thinking that sleeping separately leads to separation – those people have clearly never heard the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". That may apply to travel but I think it also applies here.

But seriously, when you're less rage-y from disturbed sleep, I'd be telling him you're sleeping in the spare room until he gets his snoring sorted. Put the onus on him to fix it, not on you to put up with it.

Thanks all for your support - at least I can show him it's not me that is unreasonable!

It's not just snoring - he mostly only snores if he rolls over onto his back or the side facing me - so I can push him back over and it stops. And he's not overweight. The snoring is just one of many things - as a PP said, he flails, he starfishes, he sighs, he twitches, he takes up all the bed. He also has two duvets and keeps rolling his second one over onto me so I get too hot. Then in the early hours if he wakes up he lies there and sighs, and sniffs, and looks at his clock, and IS JUST REALLY ANNOYING.......!!

(And he used to beat his pillow into shape causing the whole mattress to shake - but I have at least trained that out of him now......

😂 He sounds lile me sometimes.

I just want to add that even though it is difficult to sleep through the noise, mattress made massive difference to us. Instead of shitty cheap spring (that was our starter home mattress) we got hybrid memory/spring. Omg. We slept through the night because movement didn't mean whole mattress to make waves for 5 min.

DH complained a few times because if I can't sleep, I find moving to the spare room or a sofa really helps. We had a serious conversation about it, in which fortunately he grasped just how selfish he was being, asking me to sacrifice my own sleep for his preference to not sleep alone.

Now I know I can change beds anytime, I'm much less likely to do so but get no 'trouble' for doing so. He does still say he misses me but there you go.

Left to my self I would sleep alone every night so this is the compromise that works for me.