Do your neighbours hear you and your DP arguing, and how do you feel about it?

[JungleJane11]

I just wanted some perspective on this. Now that we are spending more time outside in our gardens, or inside with patio doors open etc., it has come to my attention that my next door neighbours (a couple, no DC) can very likely hear me and DP arguing if we are in the kitchen with even just a small window open at the back of the house.

I obviously can't be 100% sure on it because they of course haven't mentioned it back to me, but I feel absolutely mortified about it and anytime I bump into them outside the house or when I'm out nd about, I just feel completely embarrassed, upset and inadequate about it to the point where I feel my face going bright red and I just don't want to engage with them. This goes for any of my neighbours living on either side or behind me. I've never, ever heard any arguments happening in their houses, though, which maybe I find odd (or I'm just used to my arsehole of a DP).

AIBU to feel such shame and anxiety over this that I shy away from speaking to my neighbours???

Dont feel ashamed. Everyone is feeling the pressure. Are they serious arguments or niggling frustrations. Try not to shout or swear. I am sure your ndn have their moments.

The problem is not the neighbours. The problem is the arguments with DP.

Tackle the actual problem, don't run and hide from the very, very secondary one.

We have disagreements but we never shout at each other, neither of us come from shouty households ourselves, so our neighbours won’t hear anything I guess. I never hear any of our neighbours arguing.

Do you argue a lot?

We do shout at each other and it never resolves anything. He is a difficult person, lots of issues from his childhood, none really his fault but has a huge impact on how he is as an adult. My mother was very "shouty" when I was young, always a very raised voice in arguments followed by the silent treatment, which I seem to replicate sometimes and I know it well. I hate it.

I'm not running away from any issues, obviously I don't want to be arguing at all, and the fact that I never hear the couples around us arguing has really driven it home to me and made me feel such shame.

We don’t really argue like that tbh. If we have a disagreement we don’t tend to shout at each other.

However - I’m sure they’ve heard us having a discussions with the kids

Dh and I don’t really argue, other than the occasional grumble at each other. I am argumentative but he just won’t fight back, so there’s just no point.

But we’re the only house in probably a 2 mile radius with kids. They definitely hear me screaming at my dc. I’d prefer they didn’t, but sometimes there is just screaming involved.

We used to argue a lot, was a combination of poor mental health on both our parts and stress due to finances, I’m sure our neighbours heard us when we lived in a terrace. We don’t argue much at all now, I think the last time we argued was months and months ago and that was a one off, I was worried the neighbours might have heard though, but tbh I think the odd argument is normal, if it’s frequent screaming matches though I would be concerned.

Our next door neighbour’s two girls (9 & 12) argue frequently, I’m talking hysterical crying and screaming, doors slamming etc multiple times a day, and we hear it, so I’m sure if we were shouting or screaming they would hear too.

We don’t really shout at each other. We text each other so the kids can’t hear!

I couldn’t be with someone who shouted at me. My parents were very shouty and I remember being quite scared of them as a child - they never did anything bad as such but the shouting alone was enough to upset me.

We don't argue like that, I had a meltdown about 6/7 months ago and yes I'd be a bit embarrassed if my neighbours heard me.
With my ex it was obvious my neighbours could hear us and to be honest I wish theyd called the police. It was not a normal level of arguments.

DP and I haven't actually had an argument and certainly not one the neighbours would hear even with them in the garden and windows open and we have been together 3 years.
You have a relationship ship /dp problem, not a neighbour problem.

The only time anyone raises their voice in out house it's me - either because DD (3) is on the third repetition of an instruction to cease being a danger to herself or because the dogs are in a 'let's bark at the wind' mood and I'm sick of 'shhh'.

There's not much noise round us, other than the sounds from the now rammed footpath behind the house - barking dogs, screaming kids, etc.

Although this morning a neighbour must be in a foul mood because there's been a few short burst of swearing.

Plus someone on the footpath properly bollocking a screaming kid and what sounded like a slap round the legs when the bollocking just made the screaming louder.

I'm blaming VE Day excesses for the bad moods.

Does raising your voice in an argument with DP get you anywhere OP? My mum was very shout (and handsy, but just with us kids) and I strive to break the cycle, if you find yourself shouting try taking a deep breath and counting to ten?

Sure, my husband and I seldom argue, but yesterday we had a real humdinger in rhe garden.

I’m not embarrassed, it’s rare, it happened, that’s life.

How often do you both argue? Maybe that’s the difference? If it’s a regular occurrence I could see the issue.

Our neighbours can hear us but we can hear them, we just tune it out. It's not like its that often

Apologies for the errors, autocorrect is not my friend at the moment.

We don't argue..
Ndn however..
Had to ring the police several times..

Neighbours do notice, our neighbours often argue and storm off, usually driving off. DS is always telling me, they have had another argument again. We have named them “the lovebirds” 😂

I’m loud my neighbours must hear me all the time, not only when arguing I’ve heard my neighbours argue. I don’t give it another thought because it’s not often and it’s not abusive.

Is it because you are actually bothered about the content of your arguments or the frequency of them that makes you want to hide?

We argue, but we start being civil again very quickly. Yes sometimes it all kicks off (with 3 adult children in the mix) but this is very rare. I think the last time was Christmas 2 years ago, when there were some toxic siblings of mine and DP.

I'm 💯 the neighbours hear us, but then we also hear our neighbours on both sides also arguing on occasion.
I guess everybody understands that it's part of family life. I can't stand a hushed, whispered argument, I find the tension goes on much longer.
After the argument we always have a debrief and discuss things in less emotional terms.

I live in an old terraced house and we hear our neighbours argue all the time through the wall... no need for windows open! Heard things thrown, doors slam and mostly her shouting but not quite what they’re saying! No need for open windows!
Everyone argues though at some point!

In the days my mental health was really poor, yes I shouted and cried a lot but I have been better and no more nasty arguments. Discussion yes sometimes but no shouting

Maybe it's not so much about your neighbours, OP, as it is about the fact that you're hearing yourself from your neighbours' perspective and it's throwing your arguments into a new light, making them less normal. Maybe you're seeing something you cannot un-see. Maybe that's a good thing.

Probably. We've never done in.your face shouting. It tends to flare up quickly, then it's over. Never any fallout. We can be a bit snipey though. And dh was gobsmacked yesterday when I.just admitted I.was being a twat cos I was in a bad mood. I should do that more often, rather than let it devel

And what help or effort is he making with his "issues" ? A lot of people had horrible childhoods and have gone on to be well adjusted productive adults. Or at least, try really bloody hard to.

It's embarrassing knowing the neighbours can hear our arguments and tbh it makes me even more enraged because I hate feeling embarrassed...

It's not pleasant to hear a couple of adults arguing, but depending on some peoples temperaments, it happens in many homes. Maybe the old saying, Count to Ten might simmer down an argument !!

Its quiet where I live, and nobody seems to get uptight and argue.

We don't hurl abuse at each other or anything like that, but we do pick on each other's behaviour (past and present) and things can get dragged up from the past which I would rather not have broadcast to the neighbours (again not related to any kind of abuse or anything, just personal relationship stuff). I find it the most shameful because we are co-parenting two young children and I get paranoid that people must be feeling sorry for our children when they hear us arguing loudly, though we don't do it in front of the children.

It's not that often really, but we do both shout and even if the neighbours can't hear exactly what we're saying, I still get very upset about having shouted and then for the fact that it was heard. It sort of makes me recoil into myself more and more, and be embarrassed to reach out and befriend my neighbours.

We have very noisy neighbours lots of shouting, screaming, DIY constantly, kids having meltdowns, musical instruments. They have asked before if I heard them? I obviously replied with the standard British politeness of 'no, no it's fine, blah blah!'. I then asked if they heard us?... They said yes! 😂 I was pretty stumped as no kids in the house now, I often use headphones for music/TV, and myself and DP were alternating night-shift workers at that time.