Do your neighbours hear you and your DP arguing, and how do you feel about it?

[JungleJane11]

I just wanted some perspective on this. Now that we are spending more time outside in our gardens, or inside with patio doors open etc., it has come to my attention that my next door neighbours (a couple, no DC) can very likely hear me and DP arguing if we are in the kitchen with even just a small window open at the back of the house.

I obviously can't be 100% sure on it because they of course haven't mentioned it back to me, but I feel absolutely mortified about it and anytime I bump into them outside the house or when I'm out nd about, I just feel completely embarrassed, upset and inadequate about it to the point where I feel my face going bright red and I just don't want to engage with them. This goes for any of my neighbours living on either side or behind me. I've never, ever heard any arguments happening in their houses, though, which maybe I find odd (or I'm just used to my arsehole of a DP).

AIBU to feel such shame and anxiety over this that I shy away from speaking to my neighbours???

It's not nice when you hear neighbours arguing, I'm debating trying to speak to mine out of earshot of her dp as the arguments are very abusive sounding. I'm not one for loud arguments myself, had enough for a lifetime with exh

We don't argue much in terms of shouting. We occasionally exchange sharp words or have 'discussions'. I wouldn't be much bothered if they heard any of that.

They must hear a lot of silliness and ridiculous conversations and DH doing stupid voices and making animal noises.

When you say you don't do it front of the kids, are they in the house? Because if your neighbours can hear you...

OP me and my OH do it all the time and the neighbours can definitely hear us. First time I realised they had heard a full embarrassing argument, I shyed away a bit but To be honest, we are only human... and I do hear there's too and they are just as bad, if not worse.

I get paranoid that people must be feeling sorry for our children when they hear us arguing loudly, though we don't do it in front of the children.

They probably do! We hear our neighbours constantly arguing and feel sorry for their family members who live with them. They’ve scared my kids before because of how loud and angry they get with it so I wonder how theirs feel.

We very rarely argue.

I usually do as I'm told.

We live in a terrace. Next door is a retired lady.

We don’t argue much but last time we really went for it, she knocked on afterwards to make sure I Was ok. She had a flimsy excuse, but it clearly that was why.

I think it was really lovely of her to check on me (although she really should have been checking on my other half).

Mine hear it and they see police rock up to take him away. It's utterly mortifying. I've broken up with him because he can't control his temper. I'm a pretty quiet person!

If you’re worried the neighbours can hear then so can the children. I’d be more worried about that and the dragging up of the past continually than the neighbours.

DH and I argue and our neighbours can definitely hear. But our arguments don’t get as bad as theirs do - we never swear and I’m pretty sure she throws things at him until he storms out.

Where are your children when you argue?

We don't argue. I'm completely against arguing having grown up in the household I did. Yes your children hear them and it upsets them, i promise. Yes your neighbours hear you and yes they think you are a nightmare. We are moving because of arguing neighbours. We have spoken to them many times, I've spoken to her alone, they apologise, and do it again. Called the police on them which brought it down from screaming and hitting, to just loud voices. I took pleasure in telling them we were moving and they know exactly why. They've argued 3 times today! Why anyone chooses to live like that I will never know.

After twenty odd years we just bicker, and usually about the bins, plates and washing up

I think you're looking at this the wrong way round OP: I think respectfully you should stop worrying about what the neighbours think and start worrying about the state of your relationship.

Unless you're actually throwing things at one another I doubt the neighbours really give a shit. The point is that the arguing (or the way the arguing is done) is upsetting you. You're avoiding facing up to the fact that this makes you unhapy and unsettled.

I've been through this myself in a previous marriage when my then husband had a drink-related breakdown and we shouted at one another a lot before I eventually plucked up the courage to leave. I'm not saying this is necessarily what's happening but if you think your relationship looks unhealthy to the outside its probably because it feels unhealthy from the inside.

I'd tackle the root of the problem before you worry about what the neighbours think.