Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it shouldn't be based entirely on looks

34 replies

summerrose11 · 09/05/2020 11:18

This isn't a brag post, more of a frustration post. I'm almost 30 single mum and I've been OLD on and off for 3 years now. Now I know the app is solely based on looks which is fine as you have to go by attraction first. However I make an effort to read the bio, take note of anything I could speak about in their pics. When I speak to men though it's always about my face/looks which dont get me wrong it's nice to a certain point. But it's beginning to annoy me that they can't see past that and ask about my interests/family/friends.

I'm currently have counselling atm for a number of reasons to do with my childhood. One being my mum always had to make sure I was dressed perfectly and was well presented. She always made it about my looks to men and if I didn't look good to men then they wouldn't like me. So now after having counselling I'm angry that most men I speak to are shallow and can't just get to know me as a person. They assume I like certain things because of how I look and it just makes me really angry.
Tbh actually it isn't always OLD either, I've had it happen in person while out drinking and just for once I'd like them to be interested in me as a whole person.
Sorry as I've said it's not bragging but I am genuinely frustrated about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerrose11 · 09/05/2020 15:04

Anyone else find this with old

OP posts:
rooty123 · 09/05/2020 15:10

No idea what OLD is, sorry! But I'm a bit of a munter so prob not my thing...

Sorry you had a shit childhood.

lunar1 · 09/05/2020 15:13

See it as a really easy way to weed out people you wouldn't want to know. Chat with ones who talk about things in your bio in the first place.

ambereeree · 09/05/2020 15:15

Old is awful OP. You're clicking through pictures so of course looks are what they are interested in initially.
I found most men on there had no interest other than a hook up. Really sad but true.

ElderflowerPotion · 09/05/2020 15:16

I presume you are talking about Tinder. Yes, I hate it. ‘Hi beautiful’ etc is dull, unimaginative and usually an instant unmatch.

I know a lot of MNs aren’t a fan of Bumble, but I much prefer it. I can open a conversation with something about their bio and usually that means we’ve started with a better conversation from the onset.

However, OLD is shallow - especially these kind of apps. I certainly don’t swipe on anyone, no matter how great their bio is, if I don’t find them attractive.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2020 15:17

What kind of photos do you have on there?
I don't really look at faces, more at what they're doing in the photo as that gives off an impression of a person. What impression are you giving off?

PumpkinP · 09/05/2020 15:18

Tbh dating is about looks to begin with, so I think Yabu sorry.

x2boys · 09/05/2020 15:18

Surely once you start having a relationship with someone it becomes more about compatibility ,shared interests etc ,but I don't think a lot of people would want to meet someone if you didn't find them physically attractive( different maybe if you already knew them ) I !e dh before OLD was a thing but my single days I definitely wouldn't have started chatting ( in pubs and clubs) to someone or go out with them if I didn't find them attractive, these things are often superficial at first .

Dozer · 09/05/2020 15:19

The men referring only to your looks are letting you know they’re best avoided!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2020 15:19

You could always put up not a photo of yourself. I did that when I first started. Put a photo of my car up (just the battered side) and was inundated with chat. Only sent photos once I'd liked them enough for WhatsApp

Dozer · 09/05/2020 15:20

Sure, attraction is about looks, but it’s boorish/poor social skills to talk about looks to someone you’re attempting to flirt with.

Missillusioned · 09/05/2020 15:24

Online dating is looks based, especially the swipe apps. You don't really have much else to go on at first do you?

I wouldn't mark men down for complementing your appearance unless they do so in a lewd manner. They have been socialised to think women like to be told they look nice, the same as women have been socialised to think they should look nice. They are trying to say something they think you'll approve of. Try and steer the conversation elsewhere by asking them some questions about their lives.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 09/05/2020 15:29

Tinder is a hook up app. Stop using it and try some other ones instead. Of course it's going to be entirely looks based on that kind of platform. I'm sure someone will come along and say they met their husband etc on Tinder but it is designed to be a looks-rater!

speakout · 09/05/2020 15:30

What is OLD?

NoCauseRebel · 09/05/2020 15:36

Unfortunately people do look at the exterior first and foremost. Unfortunately it does mean that many people with lovely personalities are overlooked and often by the time you get to know someone, if they’re an arsehole then how they look suddenly becomes irrelevant.

I am visually impaired,and one of the benefits of that is that I have never been able to see what a potential date looks like. Having said that, we all have a physical attraction to people based on certain criteria and there are always things which might make someone physically less attractive than others. E.g. I prefer tall men, and wouldn’t want to be with someone who was obese. But in my case I wouldn’t find that out until I had actual physical contact with them, whereas people who can see make their judgements before they’ve even spoken to someone.

I am under no illusions that I am,well,probably ugly, but certainly not attractive by anyone’s stretch of the imagination. To the point that I’ve been told I would End up with someone else who is VI because “looks aren’t important,” and that I would “probably never have a husband because not only do I have a disability but I’m not very attractive.” But at this point I’m past caring. I wouldn’t go on OLD if you paid me, but regardless I think that if someone can’t see past someone’s looks then you probably dodged a bullet.And if someone mentions your looks first then you’ve been given a heads-up as to what it is they want...

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 09/05/2020 15:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LockdownLassie · 09/05/2020 15:48

What apps are you using OP?

ohtheholidays · 09/05/2020 15:59

I went through exactly the same with OLD(for those asking it means online dating)when I used it I had to block a few men and 1 women because they wouldn't take no for an answer and got bloody nasty.

We both had Mums that had very similar ideas by the sounds of it as well summeroseI think that's a big part of why I ended up in 2 abusive relationships(one I was married to and had 2DC with)luckily I got away from those relationships.

OLD did end up working for me,I met my lovely DH through OLD and we've been together 14 years now and were very happy and 3 of the men that my DH worked with(they're the one's that told him to give OLD a try)all ended up marrying the women they met online as well,so it can work but I did have to sift through alot of guys that weren't right for me.

Nearlyalmost50 · 09/05/2020 16:08

I think OLD, which was just coming in when I was coming off the dating scene, is terrible for being based a lot around looks, it encourages a 'sweet shop' mentality where people are wondering if they can trade someone in and get someone else, high turnover, lots of casual encounters. My friends who have married in the OLD world have ended up meeting people through more standard ways, work, in a pub, just somewhere they have got to know the person a bit more.

That said, plenty of people have met OLD, so don't put too much store in initial chit chats, often men think women want to be complimented on their looks so will do that- it's when you meet someone and start to get to know them that their compatibility is more visible which is why I would not bother with a long pre-meeting phase, best to see the person quickly and then find out if there's any spark.

I used a dating agency back in the day and it was good for making you go on dates rather than swipes/silly chit chat, I dated lots of lovely men, and found my husband. No idea if people still do that!

Original poster
summerrose11 · 09/05/2020 16:36

Thank you for all your replies everyone.

I get what you're saying. OLD is heavily based on swiping on looks because i agree you have to have attraction to that person. I just hate when the opening conversation starter is based on your looks.
Only today i got a "you look fit and sexy", so i unmatched him. Gin

@NoCauseRebel thats horrible that people say that to you! I hope you find someone that you deserve.

@arethereanyleftatall i have a couple of group pics of me and friends while out and a couple of "selfies" but no silly filter things. I very rarely go out properly and when i'm out in the daytime im with my son so have little photo ops.

@LockdownLassie I used them all! POF is a no,no. Ok cupid i didn't really like. I don't mind Bumble. Tinder is the one im using atm.

@ohtheholidays yes I have also been in abusive relationships. Done so much work on myself and now i'm at a point where i will not settle being in a relationship like that again. Just so frustrating when instead of a conversation trying to get to know you they call you "sexy", "fit", "hot". Just feels like you're instantly being sexualized.

@nearlyalmost50 yes i agree about the sweet shop mentality. There was a dating time night in my area. You would pay to go (£50!!)and they would host a night at a nice venue with music/drinks and food. Didn't dare going on my own though.

OP posts:
june2007 · 09/05/2020 16:39

Well don,t use old then. I haven,t or wouldn,t.

milienhaus · 09/05/2020 16:42

My friends all use Hinge over Tinder now - it’s supposed to be less picture focussed and more focussed on conversation. Would recommend giving that a try?

I met my husband on Tinder though so I can’t knock it too much ... together 3 years, married 6 months.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2020 16:46

Ok op. I get 'you're fit and sexy' or similar as an opener quite often. Even when I didn't have a photo. So, I delete and don't pay it any more attention. It's silly. And not worth a second thought.

Re your photos. If you put selfies on, you are going to get comments about your looks. What do you like to do? I put photos on not showing necessarily my prettiest face, but of me eg ski-Ing to show what my lifestyle is. If a bloke has selfies and photos on a night out, it wouldn't give any other opener than what they look like.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 09/05/2020 16:51

Dating has always been about looks!

If I was single , I wouldn’t approach a man in a bar for example unless I thought he was a bit of alright.

Until you have been dating a while, all you’ve got is attraction and that is based on looks

Assuming your using tinder, when that’s a shaggers paradise anyway.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/05/2020 16:54

I am much better in real life - I photograph spectacularly badly. It used to lead to men thinking that I must have a very low self esteem and would be open to 'anyone who'd have me'.

Which led to some opening remarks which were a LOT less pleasant than 'you look hot'.

I despair of this 'looks led' mentality, which isn't just prevalent in dating, either. Luckily I am now very happily single and don't care if I never have to look at another dick ever again...