To think it shouldn't be based entirely on looks

[summerrose11]

This isn't a brag post, more of a frustration post. I'm almost 30 single mum and I've been OLD on and off for 3 years now. Now I know the app is solely based on looks which is fine as you have to go by attraction first. However I make an effort to read the bio, take note of anything I could speak about in their pics. When I speak to men though it's always about my face/looks which dont get me wrong it's nice to a certain point. But it's beginning to annoy me that they can't see past that and ask about my interests/family/friends.

I'm currently have counselling atm for a number of reasons to do with my childhood. One being my mum always had to make sure I was dressed perfectly and was well presented. She always made it about my looks to men and if I didn't look good to men then they wouldn't like me. So now after having counselling I'm angry that most men I speak to are shallow and can't just get to know me as a person. They assume I like certain things because of how I look and it just makes me really angry.
Tbh actually it isn't always OLD either, I've had it happen in person while out drinking and just for once I'd like them to be interested in me as a whole person.
Sorry as I've said it's not bragging but I am genuinely frustrated about it.

Dating has always been about looks!

Not in my world.

Well it is in the real world! Most people aren’t going to date someone they are not physically attracted to.

I actually think old is far less about looks than the olden days of meeting blokes in a bar. For sure, the initial swipe is about looks. But, straight away you get in to personality by chatting online. I unmatch about 80% based on the first few messages back and forth. You find so much about each other by chatting online first - humour, intelligence, interests, banter, spelling etc etc

I was on OLD in the mid 1990's. Match.com was so new it was free and there were no pictures because no one had digital cameras. So it was all about the search parameters (postal code, age, etc.) and what you wrote in your profile and self description.

I contacted a bloke on there because his profile was so thoughtful and he sounded perfect for me. Yes, it was either bold or desperate, take your pick, I asked him out without a clue what he looked like. He accepted, turned out to be quite good looking and just as nice as his profile made him sound. We even got physical on our first date. That's the kiss of death, right?

We're coming up on 23 years happily married, with two great kids, and he's been a lovely husband and father, the best person I know tbh.

So, she who dares, wins, and there are good men out there. Or at least there were 25 years ago.

@june2007 what else can i do being a single mum who doesn't go out often though?

@milienhaus thank you maybe i'll try hinge

@arethereanyleftatall i don't have any of those type of pics. Even my group going out photos are 6 months old. I very rarely going out or go on holiday etc for pics to be taken.

@PumpkinP agree but it isn't all about looks. If someone has a shit personality, IMO it makes them unattractive to me.

@missconductus thats a lovely story! I'm not sure i'd be brave to go on a date without seeing 1 picture of them.

I'm not sure i'd be brave to go on a date without seeing 1 picture of them.

If you wanted to try OLD back then there wasn't any choice. There were some printer personal adverts in newspapers and magazines that for a fee would take your picture by post and forward it on to someone you specified, but that was really slow and cumbersome.

It was a bit of a risk, but I could simply have not agreed to a second date if there was no attraction.

YANBU. You are more than how you look. OLD almost encourages people to look at other people as commodities - you are literally looking at a catalogue of people. I think it's often an easy way for men to get laid, and anyone going on about looks or being a bit too flattering are not the ones looking for a relationship. There are genuine guys though, I have three friends who have flume their husband through Tinder or SM. Maybe you'd be better off meeting someone through an interest or through friends?

Like PP say, modern dating has always about looks intially. If you are not physically attracted to a person, it is very hard to develop romantic feelings for them. It sounds shallow but thats the norm.

I met my husband on POF in 2012 when i was in my late 20's, so it may have changed a lot since then. Not everyone is a weirdo online. Unfortunately it sounds like men your'e engaging with are not the type you want to settle down with. Do you ever make the first move/message? Tinder is mostly used for hookups so I wouldn't use that if you are looking for a relationship. It wasn't around when I was single so I'm not that familiar with it but know people who do use it.

I do sympathise with you, it's really hard to meet someone when you'd rather not meet drunk people out at clubs/bars or at work.