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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and the mattress

38 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/05/2020 09:34

DP doesn’t live with us full time as we don’t always get on great. He used to a couple of years ago.

I bought a new mattress about 4 months ago as my old one was terrible and...well old.

DP used to get a bad back from the old mattress and so did I toward the end because I could feel the springs.

So I bought a new one. Medium firmness. Now he claims this one gives him a bad back and hasn’t been sleeping in it. I can’t see how a new medium mattress can cause a bad back in a fit and well 33 year old!!! He will sleep downstairs if I need him to stay but complains. Is there anything we can put on his side of the bed to make his side more firm? I do need him to stay to help with DD and this is likely to increase.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/05/2020 09:37

It sounds like you need a mattress topper for his half of the bed.

AriadnesFilament · 09/05/2020 09:39

It sounds like you need a new DP. If you don’t get on well enough that he can’t stay in the house full time a mattress is the least of your worries frankly!

LellyMcKelly · 09/05/2020 09:41

Tell him to buy a new mattress - he can then choose one that suits him.

Dyrne · 09/05/2020 09:41

Sometimes it’s just the fact that something has changed at first which can cause some discomfort - it’s a shame he’s not giving it a few nights to get used to it and is just refusing to sleep on it.

I agree looking into a mattress topper may be the way to go - though I think you’ll need to take him shopping to try a few out to get his ideal one.

DappledThings · 09/05/2020 09:41

I get a bad back from anything less than really firm.DH says I'd be happiest on a pile of bricks and a sheet!

It's not impossible that a medium one might be causing him trouble.

BruceAndNosh · 09/05/2020 09:46

What bed base is under the mattress?

AvoidingRealHumans · 09/05/2020 09:47

I don't see how sleeping on the sofa can be anymore comfortable than a new mattress. Maybe he doesn't want to sleep in the bed with you?

If I'm wrong then he could buy himself a mattress topper for your bed.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/05/2020 09:52

Would a mattress topper make it firmer? We could look at that.

I think he would rather sleep in the bed than the couch, I don’t think he’s avoiding me as such. But sometimes I think it’s easier for him not to stay because then he can stay up until all hours at home and lay in etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/05/2020 09:54

It’s a wooden slat base. I can’t afford a new mattress and neither can he. I’ve just spend £600 on this one, so wouldn’t want to replace it with a cheaper one.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 09/05/2020 09:56

In Germany everyone has split mattress beds, like two singles pushed together. That way they can have their own mattress and duvet.
I lived there for three years and didn't like it at first but quite honestly you do get a much better nights sleep with your own grade of bedding top and bottom.

www.hypnosbeds.com/uk/our-beds/zip-link-beds?gclid=CjwKCAjwqdn1BRBREiwAEbZcR9Yxibx2yK528Hzl5H5QgDFSzbVzl-R28tg15WLA_sBfAepiMkhX9hoC5YEQAvD_BwE

TwentyViginti · 09/05/2020 10:16

Is he just coming to yours for sex?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2020 10:17

Is dd his?

Gawdsake2020 · 09/05/2020 10:20

Sounds like your a booty call rather than partner.

vanillandhoney · 09/05/2020 10:24

What's the point in being in a relationship with someone if you get along so badly that you can't live together?

Firstawake · 09/05/2020 10:24

It's more likely to be a change of bed rather than anything being wrong with your mattress.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/05/2020 10:25

Yes DD is his. It’s not a booty call, god I wish my life was that exciting.

I’ve got stage 4 cancer so we are trying to do the best we can with our relationship but he is going to be needed more and more.

OP posts:
givemecrisps · 09/05/2020 10:26

I can completely understand his point of view here. When I was dating my husband he had a soft mattress and even at 26 it would give me an awful back ache after 1 night, it would also effect my hips. It wasn't even a cheap mattress but just didn't suit my needs. He had the same issue with mine.
I do not think in anyway that he is using you for a booty call 🙄. But being uncomfortable when asleep really affects my day. Our only option was to get a simba mattress which moulded to our individual bodies. I would suggest trying a
Firm mattress topper as others have suggested.
Hope you find a solution soon

HeddaGarbled · 09/05/2020 10:26

Let him sleep downstairs and stop pandering to him.

GladAllOver · 09/05/2020 10:27

What a strange situation. I'd love to know more about your relationship with this man.

GladAllOver · 09/05/2020 10:29

Just read your last post OP. Very sorry to hear your illness.

HostessTrolley · 09/05/2020 10:30

Could you put a piece of plywood or something under the mattress on ‘his’ side to make it a bit firmer?

memememe · 09/05/2020 10:32

would putting a wooden board under his side of the mattress firm it up a bit?

DollyDally · 09/05/2020 10:32

I would suggest he brings the mattress from his other home to yours.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/05/2020 10:44

Unless he’s going to take his mattress too and from everytime I don’t think that would work. We still need space from each other so he’s not moving in just yet.

We could try and wooden board. We could probably do that today actually before trying a mattress topper 😊

OP posts:
TimeWastingButFun · 09/05/2020 10:57

'if I need him to stay' - it doesn't sound very willing on his part. Sorry, but I don't think the mattress is the problem.

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