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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inviting ex’s family into our new life

32 replies

Greybutterfly · 08/05/2020 15:00

Sorry for the long post but I need to put in some context. I got together with DP after my fiancé left me and he found his wife cheating on him. It was a hard time for us both and we leaned on each other for support always being open and honest and initially wary that maybe this was a rebound.

I had a clean break but he was very much financially controlled by the ex wife who made everything difficult. She made selling the house and the divorce into a power struggle despite being the one who had cheated and had moved on. We are very close to finally having her out of our lives the only one remaining contact is that she needs to take DP off her company account but is still saying she is too busy with her new life to sort out the paperwork despite a court arrangement.

Fast-forward three years (we took things slow maybe at times too slow).
We have just brought our own house together and are really happy. We fully expected there to be a strain moving in together during lockdown but it’s actually been lovely.

The garden needs lots of work doing. It’s slanted and needs to be dug out. We got a quote which was double the budget. It would be great to have this for the summer especially in lockdown.

DP received a random call out of the blue from his ex wife’s cousin this week. DP always for on well with him and invited him to live with them when he was having marriage problems. He was living with them during the time DPs ex wife was cheating and was covering for her. DP was very hurt at the time he never told him whilst taking advantage of his hospitality.

This cousin is not a gardener but has tools that means he could work on the garden. He told DP in this call he has been furloughed and struggling. DP suggested to me asking him round to work on the garden as it would save a bit of money and help him financially at the same time.

Financially yes it does make sense. But I don’t want this man involved with the our life, judging me reporting back about us or our lives. DP said it is entirely my choice as he could appreciate this is awkward for me but I don’t know whether IABU to say I am not comfortable with the idea of inviting him into our lives.

OP posts:

Zombiemum1946 · 08/05/2020 15:18

I would probably say no. Friends, family and money generally don't mix well. Whether the cousin would report back or not, you don't feel comfortable and that's what counts. It may cost more, but you can still rent or buy tools . You could also just tough it out till after lockdown and get someone who knows what they're doing.

AdoreTheBeach · 08/05/2020 15:20

Firstly the cousin isn’t a gardener so although he has tools, he doesn’t have the knowledge nor skill. You could very well end up paying him and then paying someone to redo the work.

Secondly, added to the above, you don’t really want this guy around. You’re not comfortable with him. So don’t do it. Your DH has said if you don’t want the guy around it’s ok, so take him up in that and tell him you don’t want the guy around.

YANBU

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/05/2020 15:26

In my opinion you are being a bit unreasonable. He sounds more like a friend to your partner now and he has no reason to go back and report anything,and if he does so what? It won;t change anything one bit about your relationship.It sounds like he is skint and has services to offer ,take him up on it if it will benefit you.You dont need to have much to do with him at all really except maybe introduce yourself and offer him drinks and maybe a spot of lunch if he is working on your garden.Be polite and welcome him and leave him to it! I do understand how you want your life to be seperate and it is.You have each other and you seem comitted to each other.It sounds like you are safe in your relationship so say worst comes to the worst and he does go back telling tales it wont alter anything you just carry on as you are, I think its nicer that he hasnt forgotten your partner and he obviously knows the situation regarding you and your place in your partners life.He might even turn out to be a new friend for you...you have nothing to loose. You are your partners number 1 and nothing or no one could come between you. Even if he is a prat and is trying to use you for some cash let him..its a win win for you and if he has been disapproving you win anyway cos he needs your money! You sound slightly insecure and you honestly have no reason to be.I bet your partner adores the bones of you. Use the help and use the change from the budget to grin to yourself and have a treat for you and your partner! It makes sense to me

Etinox · 08/05/2020 16:01

Cousin to ex wife isn’t really close and it sounds as if he had a relationship independent of her anyway.

GloriousGoosebumps · 08/05/2020 16:38

I wouldn't. He's not a gardener and I can see him botching the job. There's a saying, buy cheap, pay twice. But an even bigger issue for me would be the fact that he took your partner's hospitality when his own marriage was breaking down so he would have known how much it hurts to be the wronged partner and still covered for your partner's ex wife when she was cheating on him. He didn't have to do that; if he didn't want to be the bearer of bad news, he could have at least moved out. As for the fact that he needs the money; he's furloughed so receiving 80% of his salary, he shouldn't be broke . But, in any event, his finances are not your problem.

Your partner says it's your decision. Take him at his word and find a real gardener. For what it's worth, I also think he'd be unable to resist the temptation to run back with tales of your relationship, after all, he's already shown his loyalties lie with the ex wife.

Original poster

Greybutterfly · 08/05/2020 17:18

Thank you all so much for the responses. At least it does seem that there are differing points of view and no one (yet) thinks I’m totally overreacting.

I hadn’t really thought of it being a botched job but that makes a really good point. It is true you pay for what you get.

This cousin has not been in contact with DP for the last few years. I obviously know all about him and DP was shocked when he called and thought about ignoring it. I persuaded him to answer (I was nosy) so it’s not like there is any loyalty. DP is just too much of a nice guy when he tried gave a sod story on the phone and obviously the thought of saving pennies.

I want to be seen as the down to earth woman who is easy going person so isn’t phased by silly things like this but don’t like the thought that someone is coming into my house and naturally even unintentionally will be comparing me.

OP posts:

TheLoveOfMoney · 08/05/2020 17:38

I find this all a bit strange, why the call out the blue? Was he looking for a loan, or got wind of you wanting a garden overhaul? Suspicious timing. This cousin covered for the ex wife, your dp has zero loyalty there. Seems the cousin thinks your dp is a soft touch. I'd be suspicious of the whole thing. Get dp to tell him you're undecided on what you want to do with the garden so you're waiting till lockdown is over to get some landscape quotes in.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2020 17:38

I'd say no even if he was Alan Titchmarsh..... he brings up bad memories.

MangoHat · 08/05/2020 18:01

Have I got this right? The cousin / gardener was living with your DP and his then wife, the wife was cheating, the cousin knew and covered for her?

Even if that weren’t the case I would keep your lives separate. But if that is the case then I don’t think your DP owes this guy anything.

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/05/2020 22:21

He was living with them during the time DPs ex wife was cheating and was covering for her
Is your dp's head tapped?
He wants someone like that in his life? In his home?

Has your DP checked whether his name has been taken off company documents?
Cos he's going to end up with a tax bill to his name if it isn't.

PersonaNonGarter · 08/05/2020 22:28

No way. Be polite to the guy but really he facilitated ex-DW’s cheating. Your DP owes him nothing.

He’ll maybe discuss you guys behind your backs as well.

Lynda07 · 08/05/2020 22:29

Greybutterfly: "I don’t want this man involved with the our life, judging me reporting back about us or our lives. "
....
Is he the sort of person to do that and to whom would he 'report'?

It sounds as though your husband has made his peace with the cousin who was no doubt put in an impossible position by the ex wife.

In your position I'd meet the guy, get to know him a bit and make an assessment then. Try to find out what sort of job he is likely to do, how long it will take, etc.

Original poster

Greybutterfly · 09/05/2020 02:45

@monkeymonkey2010
Your 100% right. This is the problem. The bank need both signatures and she is “too busy” and “covid make it dangerous” to sign the paperwork. It’s the last bit of control she doesn’t want to give up. The bank won’t help despite knowing the full story so beyond threatening court action not really sure what to do?

@TheLoveOfMoney. I agree the timing seems strange. No contact for years and suddenly 2 weeks after moving in he reappears. I think that is what has fuelled my whole uncertainty. Thankfully DP never mentioned the job to him but when he got off the phone he remembered he had helped him out before and maybe could save some cash by doing it again.

@MangoHat. He told DP he knew and apparently said a few times to end if or he would spill the beans but never did. I understand he was in an impossible situation but I don’t understand why he has chosen now to get back in contact. It all seems dubious but then I worry I’m overthinking it.

@Lynda07 I really don’t know this man at all except that he was complicit in what has been going on. I think this is also my worry. I just think there must be an agenda.

It’s nice to know that others think it’s probably not the best idea and I’m not overreacting in my head

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2020 02:56

No. There are lots of people you can help and you’ve helped this guy before. Also, you don’t know he won’t do a terrible job!

Hmm re signing the papers. Bit crap. Is it against the rules to knock on her door every day for the next month?

Or, dp could say to cousin you owe me for living in our house knowing my wife was cheating on me- see if you can get her to sign the bloody papers for company x. If she wanted me to stay part of it she could have not slept with Bob.

Original poster

Greybutterfly · 09/05/2020 10:15

@timeisnotaline. I like that idea but she has relocated so a 3 hour round trip. Not sure whether that falls into the categories for travelling haha. That could be interesting. It might be worth ringing him and saying here is a way for you to show you really are sorry. Get her signature it would be interesting to see his response.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/05/2020 10:59

Definitely not.
To quote @SandyY2K..."not even if he was Alan Titchmarsh".

Not a chance would I have him across the door.

Don't bring that stress on yourself OP.

Best of luck.

monkeymonkey2010 · 09/05/2020 13:12

The bank won’t help despite knowing the full story so beyond threatening court action not really sure what to do?

Court/legal action is your only option.
I'd get my solicitor to send her a letter clearly stating that from X date, your DP is not liable for any costs accrued due to her failure/refusal to sign the documents ending the contract.

However...he will due any dividends/profits earned during this time.

terrelontane · 09/05/2020 13:51

No, I wouldn't let anyone I couldn't trust on my property. And I wouldn't engage with anyone related to DH's ex.

CanofCant · 09/05/2020 13:59

No, so much could go wrong. It's not worth it.

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2020 14:41

Why can’t he use Docusign to get her to sign? It’s done via email. No idea of cost, but I’ve been asked to sign contracts/tenancy agreements using this system recently.

GabriellaMontez · 09/05/2020 14:52

Too much of a coincidence.

Yanbu to just want to put these people in the past.

Agree with pp about a solicitors letter.

SpyApp · 09/05/2020 15:00

Nope. Not a chance. It all sounds very odd. Solicitor's letter as PPs have suggested and move on. You don't need unnecessary contact.

Original poster

Greybutterfly · 09/05/2020 15:12

That’s confirmed it. The past has no place in the present so going to put a stop to the idea. The fact that I am feeling anxious is enough.

@Cherrysoup we will look into docusign thank you. If not then I think it will have to be solicitor letters/court action. I just want a nice easy life and don’t understand why people have to be so manipulative. It’s draining.

Thank you all so much for the replies

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 09/05/2020 15:21

My guess is she doesn't want him off the company accounts as he is currently shouldering some of the liability and she doesn't want to be the security or the bank won't give the credit/loan alone. He is going to have to force this unfortunately thought the court if necessary. If her company has or is currently running up debts he does understand he will be liable?

Toomuchspinach · 09/05/2020 15:22

No way. He is untrustworthy. I don’t know why dp is even taking to him.

Sometimes people will not let go.

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