Inviting ex’s family into our new life

[Greybutterfly]

Sorry for the long post but I need to put in some context. I got together with DP after my fiancé left me and he found his wife cheating on him. It was a hard time for us both and we leaned on each other for support always being open and honest and initially wary that maybe this was a rebound.

I had a clean break but he was very much financially controlled by the ex wife who made everything difficult. She made selling the house and the divorce into a power struggle despite being the one who had cheated and had moved on. We are very close to finally having her out of our lives the only one remaining contact is that she needs to take DP off her company account but is still saying she is too busy with her new life to sort out the paperwork despite a court arrangement.

Fast-forward three years (we took things slow maybe at times too slow).
We have just brought our own house together and are really happy. We fully expected there to be a strain moving in together during lockdown but it’s actually been lovely.

The garden needs lots of work doing. It’s slanted and needs to be dug out. We got a quote which was double the budget. It would be great to have this for the summer especially in lockdown.

DP received a random call out of the blue from his ex wife’s cousin this week. DP always for on well with him and invited him to live with them when he was having marriage problems. He was living with them during the time DPs ex wife was cheating and was covering for her. DP was very hurt at the time he never told him whilst taking advantage of his hospitality.

This cousin is not a gardener but has tools that means he could work on the garden. He told DP in this call he has been furloughed and struggling. DP suggested to me asking him round to work on the garden as it would save a bit of money and help him financially at the same time.

Financially yes it does make sense. But I don’t want this man involved with the our life, judging me reporting back about us or our lives. DP said it is entirely my choice as he could appreciate this is awkward for me but I don’t know whether IABU to say I am not comfortable with the idea of inviting him into our lives.

You already know that the cousin is a liar, if only by omission, so it would be difficult to trust anything he said.
He isn't a specialist in structuring gardens, if he damaged your property, how could you trust him to correct the work or recompense you?

Plus the coincidence that you've not heard from him in years, but now that he's down on his luck once more he contacts you. He probably sees your DP as a bit of a soft touch who will help him out in hard times. Don't be taken advantage of, steer well clear of the cousin.

Save up and get a proper reputable company to do the work on the garden for you, far better all round.

No, you don't need the stress and it doesn't sound like your OH is bothered anyway. There are lots of people who could do your garden and it's not like this man has asked directly.

I have a similar exW in my life and my DP is very good friends with one of her cousins. This cousin is lovely, has always been very welcoming to me and we have stayed with her and her family. I really like her but every time we visit and some wine is drunk the exW comes up in conversation no matter how much DP and I try to avoid. I have nothing good to say about exW so I find it all pretty tiresome.

What role does he have in her company? If a company director he can resign from being a director without her input.

It's a no from me OP why bring the stress in. I'm not green fingered at all but DH and I have really enjoyed gardening together in lockdown with all its trials and tribulations (renovation property lots of left over building materials and some "surprises" to boot!) not exactly an easy garden but it's felt like a massive sense of achievement. I'd use it as an opportunity for the two of you and definitely avoid the ex-in-law!!

My sister continues to employ her gardener, and doesn't find problems with distancing.
Nextdoor.com has gardeners looking for work in my area; just find someone that comes with no history (other than knowing what they're doing in a garden, which would be helpful).

DP was very hurt at the time he never told him whilst taking advantage of his hospitality.

So why has he been so soft as to contemplate paying this guy for anything, especially something he isn't actually qualified to do? He can be civil, but there's being civil and there's being a mug.

We had a chat about it tonight. Before I had even brought it up. He said he has been thinking about it himself and it was a mad thought that he wished he never voiced. He said it was strange hearing from him and he felt sorry for him as they had once been friends but that’s a part of his life he wants to move on from. I voiced the comments from everyone and he totally agreed.

One final step is the account. He has already resigned as the company director but is still on the account. Going to start legal action next week. It’s the safest thing to do even if bloody inconvenient.