Should I reduce offer of help?

[blackribbon]

During lockdown I've been shopping for my friend and her 3 teenage/young adult kids. One of the kids has CF and my friend asthma. She's a furloughed single mum with no local family and the kids father focusing on his new family (though he did drop 3 small tubes of hand gel off at the start and became a hero in his own eyes). Generally one big shop a week at Aldi, and they need more food than another family might due to need for the kid with CF to eat more.

I've had to get her to focus on a list as often she was giving me a list and adding "and anything else you see that you think we'd like". Also hints that alcohol would be nice without directly saying it - "I'd love a glass of wine but I know I shouldn't" so putting the decision on me. There'd be zero judgment from me if there was copious booze on the list! As I'm shopping for my own family (single mum) and supporting my parents both with shopping and hospital apps (immunotherapy), and working full time from home I don't have the headspace to browse/think for her. My work is busier than ever due to how we're now communicating. My own sister is a frontline nurse so we've all agreed she can't be part of my parents support network physically, though she's been a tremendous emotional support to us all.

Anyway I suggested that now that supermarkets had got the shielded lists, I could do top ups to support her deliveries, but she isn't getting any! She said the letter for her kid with CF went to their student address so she hasn't been able to register. I know she's had deliveries from Iceland for "a few bits" but the list she gives me includes items I know are know routinely available at Iceland.

I suspect she's wedded to shopping at Aldi, she is on budget which I think is why she hasn't used local shop deliveries as they can be pricey. She's extremely grateful for the support but I wonder if I should just rein in a bit? It's hard to say that I won't have chance to get to Aldi this week as clearly I will. She's just told me that all 4 of them are going out early/late for regular runs. I know this isn't the same as going to the shops but I'm not sure it's completely shielding.

I could just say, not going to Aldi this week, ignore any comments about booze unless it's explicit on the list but is that mean of me? I'm a people pleaser but also just extremely weary at this point!

I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

She said the letter for her kid with CF went to their student address so she hasn't been able to register.

She needs to get another letter.

Goodness you have a lot on your plate. I'm a single parent too working FT from home and I don't have time to be supporting other people - I've made sure my parents have an online shop and i do the odd bit of local shopping for them along with my own, but that's all I can manage.

What I've found is that people who want/need others to do their shopping for them aren't really willing to compromise on what they get - they expect to have all their wants met no matter how inconvenient or obscure. My mother for one would have me running all over town looking for fresh yeast and obscure organic veg if I'd agree to it.

Do you shop at Aldi anyway? If so I'd keep doing her shopping it make it clear she gives you a list, you shop from that, none of this oooh I want wine but I shouldn't nonsense.

If you're going out of your way to Aldi I wouldn't keep doing it tbh. I'd tell her you'll get stuff from wherever you are going anyway but no more special journeys.

I'm sure she can sort out the shielding letter if she really needs to and therefore access online deliveries. But it's easier to let you carry the load.

I think this will come up a lot in the next few months. People will perfectly reasonably tire of facilitating others' shielding/self isolation as this drags out. We all want to get back to some sort of normal, and it isn't "normal life" to be doing everyone else's shopping on top of your own busy life.

I think you need to think about what you are happy with. Are you happy to do the full shop but will only buy what is on the list? Are you happy to get 5-10 top up bits? I understand the mental load. I am buying some bits for a neighbour but she tells me exactly what she wants. I still find it stressful if things are out of stock. I can happily pick another option for us but it's harder for someone else.

Once you have decided what you are happy with, I think you need to be very clear e.g. 'I'm shopping for lots of people so I will need a list/won't be able to get everything for you anymore' or 'can't make it Aldi this week unfortunately'. If you feel bad, you could say in advance 'I won't be going next week so let me know if you want extras of stuff this week'. With things like the wine, I would just say, 'I know what you mean, I live a glass too! Shall I add it to your list? Red or white?' She is possibly sussing out your response as some people might judge her buying wine and not want to buy it for her.

My partner has a 'vulnerable' letter. There is nothing on there that she needs. He rang up Tesco, told them over the phone and all sorted.

She needs to sort out the letter - she is entitled to the free food boxes and to priority supermarket deliveries (which should balance out delivery charges)
Then when you are going shopping for your own family you can offer to top up bread/milk etc.
Expecting you to do a full family shop every week in addition to your own family and your parents is ridiculous.

You don’t need the letter to register online - and if you don’t register online and you’ve registered your mobile number with your GP you are hounded with calls and texts until you do register.

Thanks all. I've been doing my own shopping by walking to my local coop, greengrocer and Iceland occasionally which are all minutes walk from my house and each other and generally is how I'd shop anyway save the occasional extra trip to one of the big 4 or Asian supermarket if I needed something specific. I wouldn't make a special trip to Aldi unless it was for my friend (I like Aldi btw but it's just specific things we like that we can buy local that they don't have).

I think I'll continue but not on the same frequency, but offer top ups in between from the places I do go to. She is lovely and very grateful and I don't want to feel resentful. I have my dad at hospital twice next week, throughout his treatment he's always had what he calls "his managing directors" with him - mum and either my sister or me but now he has to undergo treatment alone. It's fine of course, we're so grateful that the hospital and it's staff are continuing to treat him and they've been just wonderful, but I makes my emotional to see him go in alone.

So, having a good old weep now, just needed to offload I think. I won't let my friend down, it's a small thing in the scheme of things. Thanks for responding

I would text her and tell her you're struggling to do everything and it would make a great difference to you if she could get hold of her shielding letter. Say you'll continue for a bit, but you need everything on the list - if she hints about anything I'd just ignore her. You're being a good friend and hope that she recognises that.

With things like the wine, I would just say, 'I know what you mean, I live a glass too! Shall I add it to your list? Red or white?' She is possibly sussing out your response as some people might judge her buying wine and not want to buy it for her.

I totally agree, with a lot of militant views in what is "essential" it would be easy to feel judged for asking, or putting in a supermarket delivery. She knows better with me though, we've sunk an awful lot of wine together! More to come x

I was shopping for my neighbours (who are shielding) but now there are multiple slots available at Asda so I have told them to do the shop online and I will collect it for them. That way they can choose their own substitutions when things aren't available. It works much better for me. Luckily they are very happy with this.

Khiones idea is ace.

I would just say to her it’d be a great help if she could try and seek online delieveries and get hold of another letter so they can get help and you’ll just top up every now and then when your in Aldi or whatever.
If they’re going out for runs etc. They’re not shielding. You’re not even suppose to go into the garden if your shielding.. so something sounds a bit off there.

I wouldn’t go to a specific supermarket if I didn’t shop there anyway when she is entitled to a slot. It sounds like you have enough on your plate.

I think you need to insist that she makes a list - including wine if she wants it.

You have so much going on OP.
You sound like a really great woman.
Take care.

You are a lovely friend. Just level with her, tell her you're struggling with all the shopping you're having to do on top of work.

Please be kind to her. I’m at my wits end trying to get shopping as I’m shielding. For some reason my email address hasn’t registered with ‘whoever’ it needs to be be on the vulnerable shopping lists for supermarkets. Despite having a letter and texts telling me to shield. I have calls from the council asking if I can get food, I say it’s difficult, and they say I can have a one off box of dry essentials. They say they can’t help me, or even escalate it and refer me back to the national helpline who then agree I’m shielded but refer me back to the council. The councils answer is have a one off box and can you ask friends and family.
It’s absolutely shit and my last call left me in tears I want to be self sufficient for shopping.

You could ask her to do click and collect with Tesco and you just pick up and deliver her grocery shop. That way you save time and no thinking on your part as to what substitutions she’d like.

If the daughter with CF is old enough for uni, can’t she look after the younger child while mum goes to aldi?

@Suzie6789 I'm so sorry you're struggling like that, I hope someone steps in to help. I will absolutely not let my friend down, I love her to bits and she's had many hard times in the past and this situation is making her think all the more of her child's mortality. I'm very conscious she's on a budget so I understand why she chooses Aldi. All of the kids have PT jobs which pays for phones, car insurance etc so now none can work this is falling to her. I make sure to gift her some flowers or a hand cream or a little something every few shops. I think my exhaustion/concern over my dad has just peaked.

All of the kids are old enough to be left alone but I think with my friend's asthma she's being cautious. I'm not judging their runs, fitness is very important to them all physically and mentally and I know they'll only be touching their own gate.

Some really good suggestions here as to how I can manage it without it impacting her or me. Thanks all and @billy1966 for such a kind comment that has made me feel nice today

If the daughter with CF is old enough for uni, can’t she look after the younger child while mum goes to aldi?

So mum comes back with, eggs, bread, milk and Covid 19?

You sound a really lovely friend to have supported your friend at this difficult time. But think of yourself & other commitments too. Tell your friend what you can do to continue to help her but only what you are prepared to do.

blackribbon you do sound like a lovely friend

Delivery slots are available now, she can easily find one. If she's having a weekly delivery, she'll have to plan around meals, ie using freezer/cans/packets like the rest of us to extend food to the next food shop/delivery.

You need to be honest and say you're finding it too much - you've got too much on your plate with work and supporting others. Shopping isn't a case of a quick one hour trip any more, it involves queuing, pushing a heavy trolley around or doing more trips if shopping for others, finding the shop hasn't got the chops they want, so you have to go back around to get their second choice at the start of the same aisle. Then having to go out of your way to drop off.

OP, be kind to yourself and don't feel bad about it.

Shielding letters were paper letters.
If she's not getting slots she needs to register on the vulnerable site and call the supermarkets directly.

Sadly many of us whom are shielding are having to put up with rising costs as we're not able to shop around like we're used to, especially lone parents are badly hit. Myself as a lone parent am suffering this. But the situation really is what it is. That's what your friend needs to accept responsibility for and use whichever supermarket she can get a slot for.