Should I reduce offer of help?

[blackribbon]

During lockdown I've been shopping for my friend and her 3 teenage/young adult kids. One of the kids has CF and my friend asthma. She's a furloughed single mum with no local family and the kids father focusing on his new family (though he did drop 3 small tubes of hand gel off at the start and became a hero in his own eyes). Generally one big shop a week at Aldi, and they need more food than another family might due to need for the kid with CF to eat more.

I've had to get her to focus on a list as often she was giving me a list and adding "and anything else you see that you think we'd like". Also hints that alcohol would be nice without directly saying it - "I'd love a glass of wine but I know I shouldn't" so putting the decision on me. There'd be zero judgment from me if there was copious booze on the list! As I'm shopping for my own family (single mum) and supporting my parents both with shopping and hospital apps (immunotherapy), and working full time from home I don't have the headspace to browse/think for her. My work is busier than ever due to how we're now communicating. My own sister is a frontline nurse so we've all agreed she can't be part of my parents support network physically, though she's been a tremendous emotional support to us all.

Anyway I suggested that now that supermarkets had got the shielded lists, I could do top ups to support her deliveries, but she isn't getting any! She said the letter for her kid with CF went to their student address so she hasn't been able to register. I know she's had deliveries from Iceland for "a few bits" but the list she gives me includes items I know are know routinely available at Iceland.

I suspect she's wedded to shopping at Aldi, she is on budget which I think is why she hasn't used local shop deliveries as they can be pricey. She's extremely grateful for the support but I wonder if I should just rein in a bit? It's hard to say that I won't have chance to get to Aldi this week as clearly I will. She's just told me that all 4 of them are going out early/late for regular runs. I know this isn't the same as going to the shops but I'm not sure it's completely shielding.

I could just say, not going to Aldi this week, ignore any comments about booze unless it's explicit on the list but is that mean of me? I'm a people pleaser but also just extremely weary at this point!

I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

Why can't the Father be scheduled in to help. Surely he can manage one shop a week for his own family. I know you said he more interested in his new family but he still has responsibilities to the original one.

blackribbon
You sound lovely. But something has to give. And it shouldn’t be you falling on your knees. It should be her children’s mobile phones or their car insurance suspended (if they can park it on private land) to pay for their food.

As others have said, your friend can just call up supermarkets and get on the shielding list. Last time I checked it was still possible to sign up with deliveries from Asda, Morrison’s and Iceland. Your friend is already an Iceland customer and it is massively unfair to depend on you like this.

In your place, I would be setting your parents and yourself up for deliveries. If they are computer savvy enough to get on with it then let them, otherwise you could put the deliveries in on their behalf, you just need their credit / debit card details.

Time to put your oxygen mask on first. Your dc needs you.

@Suzie6789
You cannot go on like this and for your own safety shouldn’t be waiting for the government to help you. Please help yourself. As per my comment, you would be best to sign on with all of the supermarkets, who will take you on as a customer and see if you can get a slot. Even if you can’t, I would google the customer service phone number and contact the supermarket to ask to be added onto the vulnerable list. You will get deliveries. If there are no slots, some have shielding slots available if you call. Different supermarkets, different rules. It takes a lot of perseverance, I know. There are asda slots in my area right now for tomorrow. They are very limited as most have even taken it being 11.30 am. I hope you get something soon.

@KC225 you'd think so but he likes to punish my friend without realising the impact. Punish for what, I've no idea as he was the adulterer.

OP you are doing the opposite of letting her down and her ex DP being useless doesn't mean it falls to you.

She really needs to take more responsibility though and sort out her shielding verification with the supermarket. I'm quite sure a couple of phone calls would solve it. The supermarkets I have found, are very willing to help.

Do you think she is hoping you will pay for the extra treats if she hints? Sort of an oh I know you mentioned wine/anything else we might like (aka treats) so I've popped some in for you, say no more sort of expectation.

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with reducing down trips, advising her ahead of time that you have a lot going on and also shop for others so will only be picking up what's on the list, or asking her to plan for larger shops so you can go less often

Alternatively, get her to click and collect and pick it up. This is going to go on for some time OP, if she is truly shielding (she isn't if she is leaving the home, but that's up to her)

In any case how does she believe the letter went to an old address? Her address at her GP surgery or consultant would have to be incorrect, so how would she have been utilising their services if she weren't receiving letters or were registered with thr wrong home address. It's a bit odd OP. Not saying she is pretending, obviously you are aware the health problems are legitimate but her GP not having her accurate address is unusual. All she needs to do is call and update it and ask for a copy. She can also register herself online as vulnerable.

I don't blame her in a way as the situation is high stress, she has unwell DC and wants them to get food etc but it seems more like she would rather you did it than she would arrange anything else and is making excuses in order to ensure you do her shopping as that makes her feel better is guaranteed etc. If that is the case something has to give for your sake.

If she's had the shielding letter she can register her email address - it took about a week before the supermarkets started contacting me, she can also get the box of basics each week which might offset the extra cost from using a difference supermarket.

We're having a weekly delivery from ASDA now and just getting g neighbours to pick things up mid week if we need them

@dontgobaconmyheart the letter would have been sent to her uni address, she's registered with a GP in her uni town at her student address but is now back home with her mum.

She doesn't need the Shielding letter to get home deliveries - all supermarkets have got their act in gear and there are now slots available for anyone who wants them. Please kindly tell her this and say you cannot keep doing her full food shop now that she is able to get food delivered.