To feel cheated by ‘early’ menopause

[HollaHolla]

I found out, just as lockdown started, that I’m going through menopause. I’m only 41, and single. I’ve never had that visceral urge to have children, but always kind of thought I had time to meet someone and change my mind.....

I had some blood tests as I have been getting hot flushes, and now not had a period for 5 months, and it was confirmed my hormone levels were such that I was almost definitely in menopause.

I’m struggling with the physical symptoms, and going to start HRT, after discussing with the GP (over the phone) to try to help with those - but I’ve found myself really struggling with it emotionally. I think it’s also kind of the feeling that it’s the end of a stage of life.... I don’t know if it’s because I’m also single, and feeling pretty lonely, with too much time on my hands; or if I’m genuinely mourning not being a mother, but I’m struggling more than I thought. I have lots of lovely friends, (and usually have a lot of interests/classes/etc.) but most are coupled up/have kids, and I’m the first from my group to go through this.

AIBU to feel like this, and has anyone else been in this position. Any pointers/advice welcome (except get some hobbies/a pet - please.)

I think this is entirely understandable and reasonable. I have a child and am about the same age and am worried about it starting. It does feel very much the end of an era and because it's only recently started being a high profile topic of conversation, there is a fear of the unknown about it to me. It's like that first grey hair but x 10000!

I was told I'm not far away from menopause and I'm 37. It was expected as it runs in the family and I'm very fortunate to have 3 children already but I still feel cheated somehow. I agree, its the end of a stage of life for me and I dont feel old enough, I dont want my body deciding without my input that I'm done. If you are actually only peri menopausal could could look into freezing some eggs? I'm not sure if it is possible or not, but if it is at least it would give you options should you want ot later?

PS in terms of suggestions, I've seen workplaces organising 'menopause cafes' and campaigns to be more menopause friendly. You may not want to do something at work but could be worth tracking down such a group.

It's also diffused my fear a bit to speak to older female friends who've gone through it and seem to be at their professional and social peak. Some of them also look amazing! And are so happy in their own skin. So maybe look for role models would be my advice.

I do think a degree of mourning is natural. I always remember my mum telling me she was devastated when she hit puberty and was no longer able to play topless as one of the boys. She really didn't want to grow up.

I suspect HRT, once you've got a combo that works for you, will help a bit with the emotional side also.

Finally, I'm sure I read somewhere some anthropology that says that the reason that human females go through menopause long before they die of old age is because women who aren't reproducing are vital to ensure society functions.

I have never wanted children but even so, there was a sense of finality when I had a hysterectomy at 42 - a jolt, if you like - a kind of end of an era feeling. T

The loss of your fertility, even if you've never tried to use it, is still a loss. This has come at a bad time for you, as lockdown will make it hard to escape your worries and the real-life support you might normally rely on won't be as easy to access.

The advice I'd give is - be kind to yourself - allow your emotions to have full rein, and seek out what real life support you can even though it may be by phone/video call.

I imagine from what you've said that in the past, you've probably considered the possibility you might never have children (albeit from a position where you could change your mind) - do think about what it was that has stopped you before because those reasons will still be valid.

Be aware that what you don't have can suddenly seem more desirable when, all of a sudden, you can't have it - and try to focus on what has been positive about your life in the past, and can still be in the future.

I had a hysterectomy so not the same but it’s best thing I did. I do not miss having periods one bit and the side effects, ie hot flushes etc aren’t that bad compared to tummy cramps and flooding. I don’t take HRT because I’d rather not.

I had wanted children but had fertility issues. A fertility specialist told me at the age of 39 that my ovaries were giving up as I'd produced so few eggs during IVF. I went on to have periods for about 8 years after that though. The menopause was like getting rid of a beautiful dress from my wardrobe that I'd been keeping for years for a chance to wear but had to accept I never would.

At 41, even if you wanted to start trying for a baby the chances would have been pretty slim. The fact you've left it up until now suggests strongly that you really weren't that bothered.

If you are actually only peri menopausal could could look into freezing some eggs? I'm not sure if it is possible or not, but if it is at least it would give you options should you want ot later?

41 is much too late to think of egg freezing. You need to have done it before 30 for it to be worth doing at all.

Thank you everyone, for indulging my misery a bit, and being kind.
It’s a rubbish feeling, knowing something’s been taken away from you - even if you weren’t sure you wanted it.

The GP said the blood tests showed absolutely no hormones to signal ovulation, and she’d have thought I’ve probably been peri for a good couple of years. I have always had very erratic periods when not on the pill, so I hadn’t really picked up on the signs.

I had a long term relationship in my late 20s - mid 30s, and we talked about kids. He wanted them more than me, but I’ve spent (too much) time wondering if I should have done so then. But life can’t be lived on coulda/shoulda.....
if I met someone now, would the whole menopause mean I seemed really old?!

I think being home alone has just exacerbated the feelings. I will be fine - it’s just everything hitting at once, I think. Thanks

@Namechangervaver & @SerenDippitty - the fact that I possibly wasn’t that bothered about kids, doesn’t mean the feelings of ‘the end of an era’ aren’t there. Sadly. :(

Are you definitely in menopause or in peri?

Apparently menopause. I had blood tests done every 2 weeks for 3 months.

I am mid forties, and have children, and have started HRT six months ago, but it does mess with your head, hormones and body. It must be do much harder for you op as you haven't had kids and are single, altho right now would send all of mine right over!
Sending hugs xx. It gets easier. I think you can still have kids if you want them via IV. If not once thru this not having periods is a blessing and we are lucky to have HRT

@Namechangervaver & @SerenDippitty - the fact that I possibly wasn’t that bothered about kids, doesn’t mean the feelings of ‘the end of an era’ aren’t there. Sadly.

@HollaHolla yes of course.

I'm another one who had an early hysterectomy rather than menopause. I didn't see it as the end of an era at all, the thought never even crossed my mind. It was a relief to be free from the endless periods every month....
As a woman I do not define myself as being able to have children or not, I'm no different a person now as I was as a much younger woman...just that my body, with age, can or can't do different things.

Nope. Moan away. I had early menopause too after 15 years of fertility treatments. I did adopt in my 40s but this wouldn’t have been possible without my very supportive husband. It hasn’t been a joyride since but I don’t wallow in what ifs. I do feel cheated but have nobody to blame! That sounds contradictory but hey that’s life. I don’t regret my life decisions but I think it’s normal to have the odd moan, if just to get validation of feelings.

@HollaHolla
My heart hurts for you. It's a loss. Grieve it. It's a new trauma. Maybe after 3 months, give yourself over to set period to perseverate daily. I had to be quite strict with myself after a certain period after my DM's sudden death. Otherwise, I'd just spiral...

Maybe in 5-6 months focus on what you'd love in a DP and go for that. Travel? More education? Lovely pets? New house?

I’m single, no kids, and started with symptoms at 42. I’m now 47 and have been on HRT for the last few years. I would have loved kids but didn’t have anyone to have them with, sadly. I think what menopause did for me was confirm that no, actually I won’t get to have kids. Up until then, like @SerenDippitty so accurately and beautifully put it with her dress comparison, having a child was still a bit of a pipe dream.

In some ways it’s done me a bit of a favour I guess. There’s no more “I might...”, there’s just an “I definitely won’t”. It’s helped start the grieving process and started to draw a line under all those dreams, helping me to move on and plan what else to do in my life. For me it’s a gap year in a few years time - we still have so much life to live.

I started the peri-menopause at 40 due to cancer treatment. We'd already had the one DC that we wanted and I'm still happy with that decision.

Even so, it did feel like the end of an era. I've had to tell myself I'm not old, it's just something has changed. I got angry ("fucking cancer, the gift that keeps on giving") then accepted it. Because there's nothing else you can do.

Ive had children and approaching menopause, and truely get what you are saying OP. You are young, and i understand why you are feeling like you are. They are valid feelings, so be kind to yourself and take some time to grieve for your loss.

I had to be sterilised and other gynae work in my late 30s for health reasons. Already had DC but I still grieved - end of an era and knowing that option/pipe dream has had the door slammed shut I was bereft when it came to the surgery.

I hope you have some supportive RL friends to chat to and that your GP helps you sort out medication that works for you if you want/need it.

Totally normal. For a start, the menopause messes up with your emotions so badly, it brings on depression and anxiety even when you have no reasons to be depressed or anxious.

In a way, the menopause is grieving the woman you used to be, the one who could also be a mum. It is certainly a difficult transition for many even without the symptoms. It is only natural it would be even more so for someone younger and single.

Hopefully hrt will help you get over the symptoms and you will learn to accept you new self with time up to the point that the grief will be replaced by a sense of freedom and relief that you get to enjoy it fully.

I so hear you! Had to have an emergency hysterectomy at 33 which I’d thought would be OK, as I was childfree. Whomp with the grieving process - that decision being out of my control was really hard for me to accept.

Agree with others. I’ve bonded with women a bit older than me, and I buy and donate period products to a foodbank every month as a way of reframing the negativity in my head. I also joined the Daisy Network which is a good resource although quite focussed on maximising fertility so can be difficult for me.

Hugs to you OP.

Hi OP, I hit menopause at 27 after years of treatment for cancer. No advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say I hear you - feel what you need to feel.

Have you looked at the Gateway Women group? They've been a life changer for me.