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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do cheaters always get found out?

41 replies

ohhsuchanamateur · 07/05/2020 09:44

Another thread got me thinking about cheating and all the poor wives/husbands oblivious to what is going on behind their backs. I'm curious to know whether people think cheaters always get found out in the end or they can successfully have affairs without their SO finding out...?

OP posts:
zscaler · 07/05/2020 09:45

I’m sure they don’t always!

Evasmummy2019 · 07/05/2020 09:46

I think that no, cheaters dont always get found out. Unfortunately. But you have to be pretty clever not to get caught.

Evasmummy2019 · 07/05/2020 09:46

I cheated for quite a while in a previous relationship and I never got caught

fivesecondrule · 07/05/2020 09:47

No they don't, you only hear about the ones that do. I think far more people are having affairs than anyone would like to believe.

Mesomeplace · 07/05/2020 09:47

I've wondered this I knew for 2 years that my xdh was acting differently but didn't find a thing.... Until I did

AuntieStella · 07/05/2020 09:49

Well, by definition, we don't know how many don't get caught out.

But an awful lot do.

And I certainly think that the normal mindset is that they can't possibly get caught. But they do.

And of course what the faithful partner doesn't know, does hurt them. All that time spent with, communicating with, or just thinking about the affair partner is taking away the time the betraying spouse could be investing the the primary relationship and family. And just think how much better these relationships would be if that time and emotional energy had been invested in it

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 07/05/2020 09:53

Short answer : yes, some cheaters get away with it.

What the actual percentage of cheaters that go undiscovered is hard to know, because you'd need reliable data for :

  1. number of people overall who cheated
  2. number whose partners found out
  3. number whose partners didn't find out
  4. number who thought their partners never found out , but in fact they did and pretended not to know
whynotchangemore · 07/05/2020 10:01

No they don't, because some don't take it to a physically level so once emails and texts are deleted and they have chosen to stop it's all gone.

Physical relationships are trickier to hide at the time, but again once it's finished, unless either side tells anyone there is no way it gets uncovered.

Original poster
ohhsuchanamateur · 07/05/2020 10:06

Probably should have rephrased my question. I'm sure they don't ALL get found out, and it's impossible to give any kind of absolute percentage, but I would wager MOST would get found out surely. Agree they'd have to be pretty clever not to get caught. What do others' think?

@Mesomeplace Sorry to hear this happened to you. Flowers What did you find that gave your ex away if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/05/2020 10:11

Yes, lots of them, in my experience. There is masses of cheating at conferences I go to. None of them have been caught out by partners that I know of.

sonjadog · 07/05/2020 10:11

Lots of them don't get found out, that should be.

Crowbarred · 07/05/2020 10:15

Of course not!

Boredofbeingathome · 07/05/2020 10:19

They rarely get found out.
I'm on a chat app that has a lot of men looking for affairs on there. A lot are successful.
I know of only one that has been found out.

Amatteroftime · 07/05/2020 10:20

I think you have to be very very smart to not get caught out. And people get caught out in quite stretched ways. For example, my DF spotted a friend going to work getting out of a different car. Mentioned it in passing to me, asking if he had sold his nicer car.
I banked the knowledge until a friend said he had been acting a bit odd. Let her know, bit of digging later and it turned out he had been seeing somebody for 6 months. I doubt he could have predicted all of that from my DF seeing him across a car park.

Original poster
ohhsuchanamateur · 07/05/2020 10:26

@Amatteroftime Yes, I wonder how many affairs are found out because of a careless slip up out of the blue or though a long game of the cheated-on partner piecing together things that don't add up and doing a bit of digging to discover the truth. I'm guessing the slimmest percentage of cheaters would actually confess.

OP posts:
fivesecondrule · 07/05/2020 10:31

My DH could easily cheat without me finding out. He works away (pre-Covid) at least 10-12 days a month in a country with a big time zone difference. It wouldn't be hard for him if he found someone over there that didn't want the commitment of a long term relationship.

Mesomeplace · 07/05/2020 10:56

I found out by looking at his Google play download history on his work phone. Dating apps were constantly deleted and reinstalled. I downloaded them and read them

Mesomeplace · 07/05/2020 10:57

Sorry to the women that now do this and find what I did Flowers

Ninkanink · 07/05/2020 11:08

No I think there are many who don’t get caught. In general women are a lot better at keeping it secret, apparently. Which I can well believe.

IncredibleSulk · 07/05/2020 11:18

No but I think many people get complacent which then leads to them being caught.

I’ve been separated from my ex for two years. He was not a nice man but I would have bet my life he had never physically cheated on me. Two years after our separation and I found out he’d been a serial cheat. And that came about because he got too ‘cocky’ pardon the pun.

aurynne · 07/05/2020 11:22

Plenty of partners/spouses just choose not to see what's right in front of their eyes. So yes, many get away with it.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 07/05/2020 11:27

I suspect a lot don't get caught. Of the two men I know who had fairly long affairs (not with me, I hasten to add), neither got caught. One is still with his "D"W and as far as I know continues to have regular affairs. Don't think she knows.

DarkMutterings · 07/05/2020 11:34

I actually think more now, because of phones and computers. On one hand it's easier to find someone on line, but with the temptation to keep messaging or sexting, never mind photos it's easier to be found out

MinnieMountain · 07/05/2020 11:35

My DSis and BIL have each got away with it at least twice.

EmbarrassedUser · 07/05/2020 11:50

They must do because otherwise how would you know they were a cheater otherwise?