In laws and excessive photo taking

[WWMoiraRoseDo]

Can’t decide whether IABU....

My in-laws don’t see my kids an awful lot. There’s not a lot of love lost between them and my husband, too outing to go into in detail but they gave him a pretty shitty childhood between them. They aren’t great people generally which I accept may be colouring my thinking here.

They see the kids but with us present. I’ve noticed that whenever they see the kids they immediately start aiming phones and iPads at them and taking pictures and videos, this can go on for five minutes or often more. My kids are left (IMO) like little trained circus monkeys, forcing a smile and acting unnaturally for the camera, it’s as if getting photos of them matters much more than interacting with them.

I am getting sooo close to telling them to stop as it’s odd and too much but it will cause much additional friction, any criticism does.

I send them photos maybe once a fortnight, so they don’t have no pictures. They also get copies of any professional pictures I happen to have taken that they see and like the look of.

YABU- let gran take photos as though she’s a paparazzi where’s the harm
YANBU- why the heck would any normal GP not SPEAK to the kids and engage before setting up the photo shoot?! Tell them to dial it waaaaaaaaaaaaay down

Tell them to stop. Stop and start spending quality time with the children. My friends child was always in front of a camera, he was at a party and pics were being taken & he photobombed every picture, because he’s so used to being in every picture taken. It was incredibly embarrassing

@lipsygirl got a diplomatic way to do that? 😂

People voting that I’m unreasonable, come tell me why!! Interested to see both sides!

Well there’s two options.

1. Just tell them you don’t like it
2. Lie - your trying to limit using technology around the kids so you’d prefer if they limited using phones etc around the kids.

I agree it’s awkward though

Your inlaws were rubbish parents so I don't understand why you are allowing them near your kids anyway. It's bizarre.

Stop being worried about how they will react and start putting boundaries in place. Your kids need to see you step in and divert this kind of unwanted attention away from them.

Don't let them babysit if you don't like their actions.

Do you know why they take so many photo's? Is it like a hobby or do you not send photo's yourself and they feel that they need to take them?

@walkingchuckydoll

I would be really interested to see where the OP said they babysit her children. Please quote that from the OP as I have obviously missed it.

Its tiresome when people dont RTFT, but its fucking annoying when they cant me arsed to read the OfuckingP.

They were awful parents, and they are awful people....and now you are allowing them to behave in this way with your children.

You tell them BEFORE you next see them that you don't want them taking photos of the children.
You will take one photo of them and forward it to them.

If they cause a fuss, tell them not to bother visiting.

You need to work on your boundaries.

I never understand awful parents having access to grandchildren.

Truly bizarre.

They probably do it so they can slap them all over FB & pretend that they have a wonderful relationship with their grandchildren. I wouldn't even have them in my house.

What does your husband think? How often do you see them?

If you don't see them that often then I think just grin and bear it. If you see them more regularly then maybe try gently suggesting that they enjoy the moment with your kids rather than wasting it by spending the whole time taking pictures. Some people are so obsessed with taking photos to "make memories" that they won't have any memories other than taking the photos.

But I would try not to get too worked up about it.

I wish my inlaws took an interest and took photos they share photos of sils photos but dont take any of my dc. My own dm proudly displays photos of the all gc at home.

@Arnojambonsbike

I read without instead of with. Honest mistake. Did you mean to sound as such a bitch?

Encourage the children to poke their tongues out, make funny faces, or turn away when they are taking pictures.

Well why not take photos of grandkids. They don,t live with you fultme do they it,s not for ever.

Just lie and say that the kids have told you they don't like it and want you to ask them to stop

My husband calls it rentina burn. Give them 5 mins then say stop

Thanks everyone. They don’t babysit my kids, ever. That’s a joint decision between my husband and I. The issues which were most problematic in my husbands childhood are no longer ‘live’ but my husband is still- to use mumsnet parlance - LC rather than NC with them. As neither of us are raving idiots we don’t let our two most precious things go into any environment we have doubts about without us...but in my view that’s not the same as them having to have no contact with the kids though. They never do anything but behave in front of the kids. (possibly as we are there). For all their many faults they do love the kids in their own way and the kids love them.

My IABU isn’t whether they should baby sit, or whether they should have unsupervised or increased contact; I’m very confident in my choices there. It really just is, whether I’m being unreasonable hating the photo shoot every time because I don’t particularly like them as people. Very willing to accept I might be! It just feels so intrusive and forced on them.... and like.... not warranted by the relationship that exists, if that makes sense?

To answer some other questions, the kids see them probably once every two weeks (in normal times, obviously these aren’t). This is when one of us takes them to their house for a visit. I send photos sometimes once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. No, I haven’t raised this with my other half! I wanted to gauge whether I was being a bitch first quite honestly, as he has no great loyalty to them and would side with me if I said I was bothered by something they had done even if I was being unreasonable.

@june2007 I appreciate you taking the time to respond but I don’t understand your post. Did you mean to write that they don’t live with me full time? They do! The state of the place is testament to that 🤣

I don’t have an issue with a grandparent taking a photo, at all. I prefer the way my own relatives do it, which is generally to say to the DC ‘oh, you look lovely in X outfit, come and I’ll take a photo’ or ‘wow that’s amazing that you can cycle/jump on your trampoline/handstand so well, let me take a picture of it so I can show auntie Y, she’ll love to see that’ and thereafter, one or two photos are taken, with my kids full agreement and cooperation. This is.... they walk in and the two of them have the iPad and the phone up in front of their faces filling and taking photos for a fairly long time. It’s like an actress stepping out of a car; the kids are stood like numpties waiting (and no doubt wondering why they are suddenly on show and their GPs aren’t interacting with them).

I went on holiday (in a church group) with someone like this.

Obsessively taking photos. Never asked if I minded. It really grated.

No answer to your problem OP. though.

Why are you sending them photos every fortnight though? That seems excessive to me. Maybe they are taking your lead?

They don't babysit or take part in any care. They were pretty crappy parents to your husband. Whats to lose if you tell them to STOP?! Its your parental right. I would! Even though they will make you into the Wicked Witch of the West/East most probably. Tell them you don't want to make your children into performing monkeys and watch their faces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe bloody video it!

I suspect the problem is you're too nice. Like nice people everywhere - me included - you just take it.

What would happen if you didn't take it anymore?

Just reflecting ! ......

Perhaps they like to look over them later? Maybe it makes them happy to have lots of photos.
Maybe they like showing off their grandchildren to their friends? Nothing wrong with being a proud grandparent.

I think YABU and just the way you wrote the questions suggests you dislike them too much to even try and understand.

No respect for the parents or grandchildren in this though LochJess. All about the grandparents. However, OP not made her opinion known and I think she should start. The GPs are possibly idiot savants, most likely, so she can say it nicely of course. But ultimately its the OP thinking about her kids and she is protecting them I believe - its awful to see your children turned into performing monkeys. The GPs weird obsessions do not trump that.

Can’t you just casually say “Hey, can you tone it down a bit on the photos? It’s a bit much. Right, who wants a cuppa?”

It doesn’t have to be a big deal, or all or nothing.

Would they take the hint though? I guess its a case of suck it and see. If not, just tell them to bloody stop, right?