In laws and excessive photo taking

[WWMoiraRoseDo]

Can’t decide whether IABU....

My in-laws don’t see my kids an awful lot. There’s not a lot of love lost between them and my husband, too outing to go into in detail but they gave him a pretty shitty childhood between them. They aren’t great people generally which I accept may be colouring my thinking here.

They see the kids but with us present. I’ve noticed that whenever they see the kids they immediately start aiming phones and iPads at them and taking pictures and videos, this can go on for five minutes or often more. My kids are left (IMO) like little trained circus monkeys, forcing a smile and acting unnaturally for the camera, it’s as if getting photos of them matters much more than interacting with them.

I am getting sooo close to telling them to stop as it’s odd and too much but it will cause much additional friction, any criticism does.

I send them photos maybe once a fortnight, so they don’t have no pictures. They also get copies of any professional pictures I happen to have taken that they see and like the look of.

YABU- let gran take photos as though she’s a paparazzi where’s the harm
YANBU- why the heck would any normal GP not SPEAK to the kids and engage before setting up the photo shoot?! Tell them to dial it waaaaaaaaaaaaay down

I don't think there's anything unusual about grandparents wanting lots of photos of their grandchildren. The odd part imo is that (if I understand correctly) the very first thing they do when they see your children is rush to take photos and videos. That does seem strange. Surely the normal thing to do is to hug them, say hello, ask what they've been doing, how's school, etc., and then take some photos later on during the visit, if a "photo op" presents itself.

If I were going to say anything, I might address it from that angle. "Let's take some photos a bit later. Susie wanted to show you her latest drawing." But honestly, I don't think there's an elegant way to do it, and since they are easily offended, it's probably not going to go over well.

Only you and your husband can decide if it's worth the trouble. If the kids don't mind too much, I'd probably just let them take their photos. If the kids do dislike it, maybe they'll speak up for themselves at some point and give you an opening for suggesting everyone "live in the moment" for a while instead of viewing everything through a screen.

Do you send them pictures that you make yourself? Is it maybe that they feel that they don't have enough pictures of them?

Perhaps they just want to appear like great GPs.
My MILs house was full of photographs of GC, nieces and nephews. She wasn’t interested in them at all in person. She used to ask for photos of our DC and stuck them everywhere, was very irritated by them in person.
I’m sure anyone who went to her house though she was a very involved grandparent.

@VenusClapTrap Ahhh gosh I want your relatives 🤣 everything is a big deal.

@LochJessMonster I do dislike them, very much. I try my best to keep that separate from them having an appropriately supervised relationship with the kids, that’s why I’m asking on here whether this behaviour is objectively weird and out of order! Also, it doesn’t appear to make my kids happy to be the subject of lots of photos. If I’m right I think that trumps whether it makes grandparents who are low contact happy to take lots of photos?

@QuietLane that’s really interesting and I hadn’t thought of it like that thanks. Maybe they do assume I’m happy with photos because I send them. I just don’t like them to feel more pushed out than necessary, particularly as my own parents are hugely supportive and very involved with the DC who worship the ground they walk on (again husband fully on board with this imbalance).

@NeutrinoWrangler

I don't think there's anything unusual about grandparents wanting lots of photos of their grandchildren. The odd part imo is that (if I understand correctly) the very first thing they do when they see your children is rush to take photos and videos. That does seem strange. Surely the normal thing to do is to hug them, say hello, ask what they've been doing, how's school, etc., and then take some photos later on during the visit, if a "photo op" presents itself

no, you understood perfectly and in fact have explained MUCH more clearly than I did my problem with it!! 🤣

I posted about this issue a few months ago. Overall verdict was that I was being precious. When in-laws come (sometimes 4 relatives) they all crowd around DD and video or snap her every movement. I find it highly irritating to watch and am excited for her to get to an age when she can tell them to stop. They’re the types to argue back otherwise and just say ‘well she doesn’t mind does she!’

We don’t see them very often but they receive lots of videos and photos of her regularly, so I don’t understand why they would spend so much of their time with her looking through a phone screen. I agree it’s weird and it treats children as though they’re an attraction at a zoo.

It’s weird. But why are the kids stood waiting? Tell them to just carry on with what ever they’re doing and they can stop and say hello to granny when she says hello to them. How old are the kids, old enough to understand that they don’t have to stand there?

I’m also wondering if the GPs are looking for ‘reaction shots’ if they have the cameras up as they walk in.... you know like those videos of the soldiers that come home and the dog goes crazy to see them? Get your kids to react really shitty instead and it’ll soon stop I’m sure.

Sounds like you're rushing to "include them" in your lives, even if they are (in truth) rubbish parents and GPs. Can I say - yours is the (often) usual defensive action from nice people! Some self-reflection involved there I must say from me....

Just don't bother seeing them (your husband's parents) that much, stop sending them photos every two weeks, and tell them to stop sticking their ipads in your kids faces!

I think YABU. The relationship they have with their grandchildren is separate to the one they have with their child(ren).

If they don’t see the kids that often it’s only natural they’ll want to take lots of photos to preserve the memories of their own visit, rather than being stuck with whatever photos you sent them of times they weren’t there, however nice they may be.

There’s no harm in it and I think you’re creating an issue out of nothing.

spoons if you don't accept every intrusion of modern life, you are deemed precious on MN!

hearts there is harm in being treated like a performing monkey, or a facsimile in a human zoo. It is intrusive to a person's personhood, for want of a better word, when its without their permission. Children don't have the choice to avoid social media or photographic or video recording and intrusion, but parents can (and should) on their behalf.

My mum is like this and it really annoys me but some people just love to take pics (she would take pics of lots of things and I have friends who take selfies constantly). I think it is the world we live in that some people are obsessed with their phones.

I probably wouldn't say too much as it would probably cause more drama and it sounds like it is quite a new thing so maybe they are doing it to impress you or show them they love them. Maybe make a joke like oh grandma must think you're a celebrity with all the pictures she takes.

there is harm in being treated like a performing monkey, or a facsimile in a human zoo. It is intrusive to a person's personhood, for want of a better word, when its without their permission.

CornerTrill They’re photographs. They don’t steal your soul It’s not as if what a person looks like is a secret; everyone can see you you know.

Stop making a mountain out of a molehill and unclench.

What do you predict their reaction would be to a conversation along the lines of
"The children have missed you both but brought up your habit of taking photos and videos before we've all said hello etc. They've said they don't mind the odd photo in the moment but don't want the photo shoot to happen. See you as soon as we can.
(Obv don't know how old your ch are)

I have had similar issues. My DHs parents had a habit of just taking photos of my DD, demanding she smile, and calling her 'grumpy' if she didnt. This was an issue from birth. I made it clear from the start that under no circumstances were any pictures to be shared on social media. I thought that would solve it. It didnt.

One day, after my MIL made a comment about my DD being more comfortable with my own mom (despite my mom living abroad and only seeing my DD once every 6 weeks) I said something along the lines of 'she sees more of that phone/iPad than you with the way you take those photos'. It was blunt. It made my MIL cry (everything makes her cry) and I didnt plan on saying it, it just sort of fell out of me, but after that there were less photos.

I say be blunt. Make a sharp and clear comment about it. You are their mom. You make the rules.

Could have written your post myself OP. Exact same situation here and it really irritates both me and the kids. In the end the kids rebelled against it and I think they are learning that it isn’t a sensible strategy because they end up with grumpy kids AND rubbish pics....

Also I told the children that if they didn’t like it they shouldn’t feel they have to put up with it. It’s actually horribly invasive...

It’s also helped that the kids now have their own cameras (Xmas presents) and they bring them along when we see outlaws and merrily take pics back - and it turns out that the outlaws also don’t like pics taken of them with a mouthful of spaghetti...who knew? So that helped as well..

@heartsonacake you are arguing that other posters are uptight but would you honestly feel comfortable if people repeatedly filmed and photographed you at close range when you were trying to either connect with them, or alternatively, to mind your own business? This really isn’t the occasional photo which I would not only not mind, I would cooperate with and tell them to smile/stand nicely for. It’s constant and takes priority over actually interacting. I would really dislike if I was trying to speak to another person and instead they held a screen up filming me. I would have no fear they were stealing my soul (you’re being a tad dramatic there)...but I would be really really irritated. I think it’s part of my job to ensure I step up for my kids if they are being hassled (they are too little at the mo to make their views known themselves in any sensible or polite way, and they are on the whole really good kids, they would not want to be cheeky to grandparents. To me, yes! Not to those outside of our home).

Sorry I took it to mean they are staying with youat present (because of CV.) But don,t live with you otherwise.. I guess f they live with you there behaviour may seem excesive.

Do you send them pictures that you take yourself OP? Because of the only way that they can have a picture of their grandkids is when they take it themselves then you can lessen it by sending them pictures.

My half sister in Australia asked me why I was always asking for pictures of my niece. When I pointed out that I had exactly one blurry picture of the first 18 months of her life she was surprised. She really didn't clock that if she didn't send pictures, we didn't have any. My health didn't permit me at the time to travel so that was all I had if my niece.

@walkingchuckydoll yes, I tend to send two or three together maybe once a fortnight. Just iPhone photos nothing fancy. Also always share links to any professional photos I have done of them together - not that there have been loads of those - so that they can have their pick of those too 🤷🏻‍♀️

@WWMoiraRoseDo I set up a google photos album which has my parents and his parents included and we upload all the photos of our DD to there. They arent shared publicly but my parents can frame one or set any of them as their screensaver etc. It was mainly set up for my parents as like I said they live abroad, but it kept my MIL very happy too. It also meant I didnt have to remember to send them photos.