Am I being ridiculously insecure?

[Wellhewouldsaythat]

Ok so my partner of several years delivered a body blow to me last year when I discovered messages including a photo he sent to a female friend of him naked (from the waist up) with the caption 'your turn' and then other mildly flirtatious sexual messages, but apparently this was all 'a joke' as they always joke like this and had done in the past years before I met him. I've never met her because she now lives a distance away.

Obviously my world was turned upside down because showed to me he WAS interested in her. He assured me time and time again that he wasn't and that it had been harmless 'banter'. He promised to remove her from FB etc.

A few weeks later (whilst checking his phone, yes I know this is crap but I was looking for more evidence), I found he had been searching local escorts. He PROMISED and REINFORCED that again this had been a bit of a joke and curiosity only and that he had NO intentions of acting on it.

You may all think I am naive, but I truly believe and trust him in this, although there is a tiny, nagging doubt that I've been a fool. There is no evidence whatsoever that he ever took things any further or contacted them, and I am believing him (almost)fully now that he made a twatish mistake. But it fucking haunts me.

Now we are further down the line I do still get attacks of insecurity. Things can be brilliant between us for ages, I literally love him so much and despite everything, respect him, but every now and again I bring things up, I simply cannot keep them in they eat away at me.

He refuses point blank to discuss it because 'it's in the in past' and 'look at all the positive things I do in the relationship, don't focus on the past'. He blames my reactions on my insecurity.

Like there's a timescale for getting over these fucked up episodes that HE created? The latest upset has been because he has recently 'refriended' this woman that he sent the original messages to last year, dragging up all the negative feelings from the past for me. He says he won't be dictated to over who he can have on FB etc.

Am I being unreasonable in struggling with his behaviour?

YANBU. This is not you being insecure, this is him acting completely inappropriately and unfaithfully and then trying to brush it under the carpet and turn it round on you. Easy for me to say, but I wouldn't have stayed with him. I'm sorry he's putting you through this, and no, there's no timeline to get over it.

This is him being a liar and trying to convince you it’s all In your head. How can you trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He was looking for prostitutes. Go and get an STD check

Not nice.

No, come on. Who is the 'joke' of looking up escorts even aimed at? It doesn't make any sense.

Honestly, do not stay with this person, he'll waste your life second guessing him. He's into sexy ladies, he's looking around to see what he can get, he's not interested in being a true partner and you just can't trust him.

Nothing to do with you, everything to do with him and his choices. Cut him loose op.

And - it sucks to be hurt, but at least you found out now who he actually is. Onwards and upwards.

He’s manipulating you.

Yabu for staying with him.

harmless 'banter'

It really isn't appropriate when you're in a committed relationship even if it isn't intended to go any further.

It sounds like your trust has been knocked and by the sounds of it you may never fully get past it without help.

He says he won't be dictated to over who he can have on FB etc.

He is definitely right in that you shouldn't be dictating who he can/can't be friends with. But if he truly cared about your feelings, after sending her a topless photo, then he shouldn't need to be told. He should've cut contact and kept it cut.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, it doesn't sound like you are happy right now, and I struggle to see you being happy in the long run without some big changes.

He's a cheating bastard and you're not insecure - you have rightly noticed that he is a cheating bastard and your feelings are perfectly appropriate! He clearly doesn't value you. Please don't think you should put up with someone like this.

Anyone who passes off shitty behaviour as 'banter' is an arsehole. Crossing boundaries and being an arsehole isn't banter no matter what FHM taught him in the 90's.

Don't make this about him; make it about how you feel. Do you think hand on heart you've got enough trust left right now to warrant a future? Focus on you and work out what's right, don't make this about him any more at all; he's had opportunities to help rebuild your trust and he's dismissed you and belittled you rather than validate and understand your feelings.

YABU for believing his crap. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Move this to relationships and get some real support on realising he is a liar.

Jokes are supposed to be funny
He's probably cheated on you
Stop being a mug

Erm.....he’s an arse

I am so sorry you are going through this and you are not being insecure. I had something similar happen to me with a partner quite a few years ago when I found out he had been looking at dating sites. He said that a friend had set him up for a joke. I cringe at how I fell for it. I forgave him and then a few years down the line a lot worse came out and needless to say we split.

I think that when you love someone you just cannot believe they would do something like that to you. I saw a Counsellor afterwards and she said to me 'even if it were true that a friend had put him on there for a joke, its not showing you much respect is it.' That statement has always stayed with me.

You deserve much more than this.

My ex did the same things. In the end i realised that he would never change and it was just a matter of time before he destroyed me.

Make him an ex and find someone who is decent.

If you’re feeling insecure that’s thanks to his behaviour.
You are wasting your life with him.

Don't fall into the self blame trap.

He is showing you his true colours. Believe him.

You can do so much better. You don't need him. YABU to believe his lies.

Yeah, sorry. You're a trusting fool and he's a cheating scumbag. How much of your life will you waste on this man? The choice is yours. Take care

You may all think I am naive, but I truly believe and trust him in this, although there is a tiny, nagging doubt that I've been a fool.

My response to this is that you have been incredibly naive & you have been an even bigger fool.

He was searching escorts for a joke too... yeah right.

Women like you putting up with this shit & his / their excuses just set yourselves up for a ride of misery.

I don't have anything constructive to say apart from find yourself some self respect.

I just can't believe that women believe this shit ?!?!

He’s clearly cheating on you.

He refuses point blank to discuss it because 'it's in the in past'...and then he has recently 'refriended' this woman that he sent the original messages to last year

So it's not in the past at all is it? It's very much in the present and it's not going to stop.

Don't give this man another chance. You deserve so much better than this.

Sorry OP there is no timeline for getting over this, because his behaviour hasn't really changed. He's stonewalling you and refusing to discuss it.

Googling escorts? Bleeeeeuuuuurgh. And as others have pointed out, that isn't a laugh or banter, its just... grim.

Get an STD check and give him the boot.

Everything is in the past, ffs. Even that last sentence I typed is in the past.

You'd be crazy to stay with this man, OP.

He’s cheating on you. YABU for staying with him.

Does it matter? He’s told you this is his red line. He is not moving on it. No matter how much it upsets you. Or how righteous that upset is. This is what he will do.

Either take it or end it. That’s really your only two options.

I voted YABU because you keep forgiving him when he is obviously looking to cheat on you.

You get one short life on this planet, don't waste yours crying over this dickhead.