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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I only want one child but my partner wants more?

29 replies

Delizhop · 06/05/2020 13:50

Hiya,

I’m literally a week from my due date and i hated being pregnant. It was awful. I’ve hated it all the way through and want it to be over. And with my weak pelvis I fear recovery is going to take forever also.

I always wanted two but with pregnancy not being what I expected between morning sickness, physio, depression, severe weight gain and many other bad sides I honestly don’t want to do it again. My partner has always wanted a minimum of 3 children. He sees my struggle but doesn’t want 1 and doesn’t want our child to be lonely which I do get. Having such a big age gap between me and my siblings I always wanted my two to be close in age but I really don’t see that happening.

Will my feelings change? Why do I feel so guilty all the time? Has anyone else faced this issue?

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 06/05/2020 13:55

Is he going to be pregnant and cope with the physical and mental effects of it? Is he going to go through labour, deliver the baby and be put through a huge physical ordeal that could take anything from weeks to months to get over? Is he going to breastfeed (if that’s what you choose) or be largely responsible for looking after the baby? If not, it’s not his decision to make.

Babyboomtastic · 06/05/2020 13:56

They may change, theu may not.
When I was pregnant with number 1 I was sure we were done. I changed my mind whilst still being sewn up from my section.
When I was pregnant with number 2 I was sure we were done.

I'm more considering number 3 in the future.

And I had shocking pregnancies.

You won't really know for sure you don't want any more until you baby is at least 4 I reckon.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/05/2020 14:00

You might change your mind, you might not. Either way if you at current feel you only want 1 - even without all the horrendous symptoms you went through then it's your choice.

RibenaMonsoon · 06/05/2020 14:00

I had a horrible 1st pregnancy. I was on the fence about having more. I desperately wanted 2 children but after the 1st pregnancy that changed.
When DS was 2 we decided to just go for for it. I had forgotten the discomfort and pain (not to mention a whole 9 months of constant throwing up) and all I could feel was the desire for one more.
DD is 10 months and I don't regret a thing. I can't imagine my life without either of them.

That was just my experience, yours may be different. But theres nothing wrong in feeling how you feel now.
I would recommend a heart to heart with your DP and discuss that theres a strong possibility that you may not have any more. Its going to be difficult to say for certain whether you will change your mind, especially right now when you are feeling crappy. I wouldn't make any definite decisions right now though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope it all goes well.

user1635482648 · 06/05/2020 14:01

Does he feel guilty about the position he's putting you in?

gamerchick · 06/05/2020 14:03

The one who doesnt trumps the one who does.

Tell him for the minute it's not on the table And can this conversation be shelved for a while.

Hugglespuffed · 06/05/2020 14:07

Ultimately it is your decision because it is your body but I can understand why he may feel disappointed. You may well change your mind or you may not. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way do.

@Ninkanink that is a bit harsh, it isn't as if the partner has a choice in not being able to carry a baby or breastfeed. He is a man..

Hedgehog26 · 06/05/2020 14:10

I wouldn’t worry about making any firm decisions now. While I was pregnant with my DS I was adamant I wanted 3. Few days into parenthood I reduced that down to 2. Few months into parenthood I only wanted one. Now I bounce back and forth between being done and wanting one more

B1rdbra1n · 06/05/2020 14:10

if a man wants to have a certain amount of children then he needs to find a woman who is willing to have those children for him, he doesn't get to dictate how many times you are pregnant and give birth.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/05/2020 14:10

What's he going to do if you say no? Force you to be pregnant? Leave so your child could possibly have a step child to stop them being lonely? If you dont want another child then it wont happen.

I would say though you've not even had one yet! It's very very early to be making this decision. Leave it 9 months or something before even discussing it again.

Yes it is possible to change your mind, people have awful first pregnancies and end up hospitalised, have terrible life threatening births and do decide to do it again.

I hated being pregnant the first time, mentally more than physically. I struggled all the way through, I cried every day, hated how my life had changed and how my body was 'ruined'. I wanted to do it again from 18 months as to me it was worth it, and it was actually my husband, who was much better with children than me, who wasn't so keen because having a newborn and a baby were much harder than he had anticipated and he just felt like he was getting his life back and didn't want it spoiled again.

Neither of you knows how you will take to parenthood, how good you will be at the shitty parts of it, and how much you will actually enjoy it. One thing that I am sure about though is you will enjoy it more, find it much easier and be much more inclined to do the whole thing again if your partner is more involved, more supportive, and does their share of the shitty things eg night feeds and wake ups, share some maternity leave, take turns at staying home when the baby is sent home from nursery sick, offers to go part time rather than expecting you to, etc. If you're the default parent and your career and mental health have been disproportionately impacted etc its much less likely you'll want to go through the whole thing again if you know it's likely to be difficult and you're having to look after a toddler as well because you're married to a lazy shit

TheWernethWife · 06/05/2020 14:12

Its not bad being an only child, both me and my DP are only children and we were never lonely. My cousin had two and they used to fight like cat and dog.

Ninkanink · 06/05/2020 14:17

No it’s not harsh. It’s the truth of the matter. Ultimately in the vast majority of cases the woman takes on all risk, all physical and mental effects and consequences, plus most of the day-to-day shitwork of parenting and makes the most changes to her attitude, her behaviour and her short-term, mid-term and long-term lifestyle. So if she doesn’t want to have another child that is her decision, and that decision should be final.

OP, your partner may well change his mind once the reality of babies and parenting hits him. But if not, he will just have to adjust his expectations as doing anything but would be entirely out of order.

Ninkanink · 06/05/2020 14:19

Please take note of everything OoohTheStatsDontLie said above.

Share the parenting load right from the beginning and make sure you both make adjustments to your lifestyle and habits in order to look after baby and be equally responsible.

Ginaholic22 · 06/05/2020 14:20

Definitely not unreasonable but I would say your feelings could change, they might not.
Once you’ve had baby and you’re all in love some women forget all the bad bits or decide that the positives outweigh the negatives.
Try not to over think it, concentrate on this pregnancy for now, you don’t need to decide now whether you’ll have more, just enjoy this little bundle of joy when it comes and you can decide down the line whether you want more.
One thing I’ve learnt in life is nobody knows what life has in store for us, things change, so it’s impossible to know what we’ll want in the future or where life will take us.
Good luck with your baby x

Ninkanink · 06/05/2020 14:22

Just want to reiterate, as others have said, that it’s possible you may change your mind in the future. But if you don’t that’s perfectly okay too, and there’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Lemonpink88 · 06/05/2020 14:44

Just wait until baby’s here, children are hard work. Youv done all the work up until now OP, let’s see how he gets on when it’s his shift with a newborn. All the best & rest up

REdReDRE · 06/05/2020 15:51

It's obviously totally your decision but it you wanted two before you may change your mind once recovered - I'd say you'll discuss it again in 18 months and be prepared to.

He is reasonable to be upset by this - I married my DH having discussed we wanted two if possible and would have been so disappointed and felt let down if he'd changed his mind.

Your feelings are totally valid though and I really hope you have a smooth birth and recovery.

reefedsail · 06/05/2020 15:57

Personally, I think whoever wants the fewest children wins.

No child should be actively planned that not everybody wants.

I've only every wanted one (luckily DH has always felt the same) and a horrible pregnancy confirmed my feelings. LOADS of people said 'oh you'll change your mind when he's about 3'. I never did, and I've never felt a moments regret about only having one.

Winnipegdreamer · 06/05/2020 16:02

Your health both physically and mentally are more important than someone else’s wants

GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 16:06

Now imagine going through all that again but with a toddler to care for too. Sorry to be negative but you need to face the reality. Subsequent pregnancies are harder than your first because normal life can't stop or be altered to accommodate. But who knows, you might have such a great birth & adore being a mum so much that you decide it's worth it.

fromnowhere · 06/05/2020 16:13

Try not to worry about it now, just focus on enjoying the child that is coming.

If you feel the same in a year or so, you can discuss again and hopefully you will both be happy to stop at 1 child, or if you both want more but pregnancy is not an option, perhaps adoption would something you would both be willing to consider?

Try not to stress yourself out though, nobody can force you to have another pregnancy, and things may feel different to both of you after you have a child.

FairyDogMother11 · 06/05/2020 16:17

We always wanted 2 children but I had an awful pregnancy, everything that could have happened, happened, and I nearly died during labour. DH would very much like another baby at some point and I'm pretty certain I'm happy with our DD. I have agreed to discuss it again once she is older and once I've had counselling, but ultimately he knows that the final decision comes down to me as its me who has to go through it!

Curiosity101 · 06/05/2020 16:33

I think it's all already been said but I just wanted to agree with pretty much everything here.

You may or may not change your mind. I had an awful pregnancy, hated every second and I needed therapy afterward. My baby is now 8 months old and when he got to around 6 months I got a strong urge to have another. We're now planning baby number 2. We'd originally planned on 2 but with everything, we went through we'd both effectively said: "No way are we doing that again".

The person who doesn't want another one gets to make the decision, whether that's a man or a woman.

My advice would be to not feel guilty. Explain your standpoint to your DH and leave it there. Medical advice suggests you shouldn't get pregnant again for at least a year anyway. You've got loads of time to discuss the issue again after the baby has arrived. Be prepared for absolutely everyone to ask you if you're having another practically from day 1 though.

Good luck with the birth! I hope everything goes smoothly for you

TheGoogleMum · 06/05/2020 16:35

You might change your mind after a while. But maybe not, before pregnancy I wanted more than 1 but now she's 18months and I am still thinking I'll stick with just 1. I like that we will afford to do more nice things together and can give her all my attention (also I cannot imagine doing pregnancy and newborn stage with an older one to look after too!)

ReluctantHillCrester · 06/05/2020 16:40

I had a miracle pregnancy first time round, felt a bit unwell but that was it, delivery ended in EMCS.

When pregnant with Ds2 I honestly wanted to curl into a ball and die. It was horrific plus I had Ds1 to look after. I had SPD, I have internal scar tissue (not from EMCS) that was painful. I hardly slept. I had morning sickness until about 20 weeks. I was put on bedrest from 7 weeks to 20 weeks. It was hell on earth.

The thing is, a pregnancy is 9 months but when you are pregnant and it is having a huge effect on your body it it feels like it will never end. But when I look back at everything (children are now 17 and 14) they were worth every pain, every stitch, every hell that I went through. Being a mother is the best thing I ever did. I have no regrets.

My sister almost died giving birth the first time round, she still went on to have a second. But during labour for her second she said fuck me I had forgotten how bad this was.

Shelve the conversation for now. See how you feel in a year.

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